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-   -   And suddenly, everything feels different (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4122)

openheart 11-02-2010 12:26 PM

And suddenly, everything feels different
Hi everyone, I skipped the Introduction section for now, becuase I'm really desperate.

I'm male, straight, 30 years old and in a monogamous relatioship of 3.5 years. We're pretty open about everything, at least we try to be. Our relationship has ups and downs, I think like most of them do. I've always needed my time alone and also time out alone, meeting new people. I really love her a lot. My own feelings confuse me though and led me to thinking about polyamory.

In all my relationships after a while my feelings become paradox. I love my s/o still as much as the first day and more every day, but also somehow I feel something is missing, like I could never be 100% happy in a monogamous relationship. I've always entertained the thought that in a perfect world, love wouldn't be restricted to single monogamous relationships, but never seriously came out with the idea.
In order to compensate, I think I had one or two crushes on friends during the last 2 years, to partly satisfy that feeling within me, which since I could never cheat on my girlfriend, always stayed secret crushes which turned into platonic friendships, which is great too, but as i realise now, not what fulfils my desires. My desires which are less sexual than you'd expect from a guy, more well, platonic, emotional, philosophical, but also romantic and sexual of course..

And now here I am, sprouting a new crush on one of my acquaintances from my "2nd life" out in bars, but this time it was a little overwhelming, I just had 2 very very deep and interesting conversations with this woman and I absolutely couldn't help experiencing and enjoying this feeling growing stronger and deeper, well aware that I still love my girl back home very much whom I don't want to hurt.

Now I'm blessed with a girlfriend with lots of love and understanding, who is the driving factor in our relationship to talk about everything. I fear my confusing feelings or not being fully satisfied hurt our relationship and causes suffering for the both of us.

We're not really totally happy, because I think we both don't really know what we want, somehow.

The more I read and think about polyamory, the more I feel I have to resolve this issue, but I'm so terribly scared of destroying everything. I just can't find a way how to start the discussion and can't find the guts to do so, yet.

Before me, my girlfriend was in an open relationship, but I think mostly because of her bisexual boyfriend. I don't know how she'd take it. She is a very intelligent and feeling person, open to alternative ideas, that's for sure. But she's also very jealous and needs me very very very much.

I know you cannot take away the decision and the burden from me, but I hope for a little advice, because I'm really lost. If the idea of seriously considering polyamory hadn't crossed my mind I would have gone insane or done something stupid by now.

Thank you all for listening, and please excuse if my English isn't perfect, as it is only my 2nd language.


GroundedSpirit 11-02-2010 01:40 PM

Hi Openheart,

Well, reading through your post, here's what came to me.

First and foremost, polyamory is very much a philosophy/belief system. I think it's good you have stumbled across it but I also feel you have a lot of studying and thinking ahead of you. There are obvious attractions at first and I'd be wary about getting blinded by only the glitter (perceived).

Everything that makes a metal detector buzz isn't gold - or even silver.

I think once people either discover poly or suddenly find themselves immersed in it, everything looks different to us. Every person we come across that we pick up something positive from (attraction, vibes, respect etc) now becomes a POTENTIAL love interest. The old boundaries of "I'm in a relationship so have to tune this out" are gone.

It can be confusing...........

As part of this new outlook, you have to have time to develop filters. We can connect with many people once we open up, but those connections may be of a wide variety. You have to learn to filter out potential love interests from just great, interesting people. There's a huge difference, but in the beginning (and maybe long after) it seems the 'buzzing' is constant ! There's treasure buried under every rock.

So my suspicion is this is where you're at right now ?
As for your current love interest, you mention she is VERY needy and potentially very Dependant on you in some way (emotionally ? physically?) Chances are your inner alarms are reacting to this. It's not healthy and a prescription for disaster long term. If I were you, I'd be trying to get to the bottom and address that first.

Trying to introduce something as radical (for most) as poly into an environment like this just isn't going to be nice at all. And not only that, but it's a very poor breeding ground for your first experience. If polyamory will be a correct choice for your life, you need to start it with a good, solid foundation at first. It's not a cake walk, and the better foundation you have, the better your chances of success and happiness.

Hope that helps clarify something for you............


openheart 11-02-2010 02:01 PM

Thank you very much, GroundedSpirit, for taking the time to answer my post.
Indeed I am at a very early stage in figuring all this out, and indeed has your reply made me think even more about the dangers of bringing up the topic. I just feel we're unhappy for some obscure reason, probably my inner unrest of not feeling incomplete 50% the time. It's eating me up and she notices this even if only unconsciously. Neither of us is happy, but we don't know why. Maybe we should address that and find out what it is. It might end up in her wanting deep commitment, and me not being able to commit fully and thus splitting us up. I'm scared of that.

Now I'm lost again :)

openheart 11-02-2010 02:48 PM

It's me again.
That last post may have come across all wrong. Of course not hurting my girlfriend is my priority right now. The other thing is that our relationship is suffering from this constant pain that stems from me not feeling complete. This is why I'm torn. I've often almost given up and broke up, and so has she. Most of the time the reasons could be traced back to this feeling of something missing. Once or twice a week I go out alone, meet old and new friends and sometimes make new ones. This is essential for me, and I'm used to making new friends, but you know when you meet someone who's very special to you, it's special. I can fall in love with everyone I meet, that's just me. But once in a while, and I'm speaking once or twice through these last 2 years, it's super special. Only after I met this person, who's a friend of friends, the idea of polyamory has become a more tangible, concrete thought, while in the past it was (only?) always an ideal somewhere in the back of my head.

I want to be completely open with my girlfriend, and so I should tell her about the crush I have, but I cannot do that without the context of possibly exploring polyamory. She wouldn't talk to me for 2 weeks or split up right away. -- I'm not so naive to really assume it would actually work automatically, I just have to be open about it.

One thing I want to add to the picture: My girlfriend has often - jokingly - brought up ideas like finding us a swinger couple so we can share a larger apartment, or taking a girl back home with us, - these were only jokes, but I know there's some place these jokes come from.

Sorry, you don't have to answer my venting here, simply getting this off my chest makes me feel a little better.

PS: But of course every bit of advice is appreciated, since I'm confused, scared and somehow relieved at the same time. I just don't know what to do.

redpepper 11-02-2010 06:30 PM

finding a swinging couple or taking a girl home for sex is different than poly... your girlfriend is talking about something almost completely different. I would suggest being very careful no to confuse your feelings with her words. You might "fall in love" often and easily, but she might not and bringing someone home or swinging might not work for you as you seem to have emotional connections easily. Sex for fun and sport, is just that, no emotions arise other than friendly fun. There can be a huge difference.

I think it sounds like you need to start talking and clarifying your thoughts on this. Perhaps doing some reading on here will help. Find some threads that really speak to you and then talk to your girlfriend... send her a link to them maybe or find other stuff on line that suits your way of describing yourself. You never know what will happen. One thing is for sure, you don't seem to be able to stay where you are in your head. Time to move maybe? If it works out with her then great, but if not, it wasn't meant to be and you can start off fresh with a new approach. That is hard to think about, but, perhaps that is the destiny that is for you.

eklctc 11-02-2010 07:10 PM

@GS & redpepper- You guys are awesome! I came to chime in but you two have it covered so, openheart, What They Said. :)

GroundedSpirit 11-02-2010 07:25 PM

Oh - and also.....

One other thing I picked up in both of your post so far was concern for your feeling 'incomplete'. I think this is a common and sometime fatal mistake in relationship early in life.
The concept of looking to someone else to give us 'completion' is a road to hell on olive oil !
'Completion' has to come from ourselves. Once we have that, or at least a large part of it, someone else can be a wonderful enhancement. But looking for completion from someone else is looking in the wrong direction.

This sounds like it may be an issue for you both. Life is complex, especially in the early years. So many options & choices.

It's quite possible to have a PARTNER alongside you in your search. But that's to support and lend a critical ear/eye. But expecting that partner to BE the solution is.............just dangerous.

Love, infatuation, sex etc are only a small piece of the puzzle, and in reality can often become a distraction. Maybe I'd suggest you ask yourself what would make you happy/complete if you were the only person left on earth ? Start from there.


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