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-   -   Currently poly, but one partner wants mono :( (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=412)

Northern 06-23-2009 10:48 PM

Currently poly, but one partner wants mono :(
Please excuse the length of this post, though as most of you will know, we are not exactly in a simple style of relationship!

Knowing by example that I was poly (having been in love with two people at one time, yet only being involved with one of them), I finally had the chance to discover it first hand, when coming out of a 5 year relationship at the beginning of last year. I had first set out to be single for a while and sow some wild oats as it were, but feelings developed, and so here we are.

I met BF#1 in January of last year, and so far it's been one of the most easy going and free flowing relationships I've ever had. We only see eachother once every 10 days or so, but what we have is very precious. He has another partner, who he's been seeing for a few years also. We are both happy with the way things are going, and would like to remain in the same siuation for a long time to come.

BF#2 was met in March of last year, and is the most 'solid' relationship, as we see eacother several times per week. I hope this relationship is for the long haul. Things with #2 are without doubt the most compliated, as over time, his feelings have changed from being ok with poly, to wanting mono. Though he has tried things with other people, I worry that he does it just to sate me, and I know for a fact that this is sometimes the case.

1 and 2 have not met, and because of possible personality clashes, it's not likely they will. We all want to be happy - me with them, #1 with us and #2 with me. Things cannot go on as they are, yet it would break my heart to lose either of them, and I'm at a loss for what to do.

Has anyone been in this situation before, and can perhaps shed some light on the best way to go about coming to a compromise (if one can be had in this)?

Quath 06-24-2009 02:03 AM

It sounds like you should let BF #2 know it is ok to be mono if he wants to be. Hopefully, he can adapt to the idea that your love for BF#1 does not affect him. You could try some counseling with a pro-polyamory counselor. Or maybe get him to talk about how he feels on a forum like this one or another.

I guess it depends on how badly their personalities will clash, but it may be good for them to meet.

Northern 06-24-2009 02:35 AM

I appreciate the advice, thanks. I'm perfectly happy for BF#2 to be mono if he would like to, but he also wants me to be the same, which is the crux of the matter (apologies if I didn't make that clear in my first post!) I can respect that feelings can change/evolve over time, but unfortunately this has only been from one side.

I can sense an ultimatum coming, and I know he doesn't wants to do so, as he thinks that I'll choose my lifestyle over him (I'm not sure at this point what I'd do if that happened). Maybe I'm just delaying the inevitable by trying to ride it out.

As for counselling, as good an idea as it is, #2 doesn't like the sound of it, and neither of us can afford it at the moment. I feel like Sisyphus pushing that ball up a hill - every time #2 and I make some headway in our feelings, it comes rolling back down again.

yoxi 06-24-2009 06:30 AM

I can see that being a tough uphill struggle - especially if he thinks of your relationships as a 'lifestyle' rather than just about who you love. that's as damning as saying 'it's just a phase' :).

Mark1npt 06-24-2009 04:19 PM

I second what yoxi said......it's going to be very difficult for you if your #2 views it that way and issues you an ultimatum. We are a "posession" society and many guys truly view their women (loves) as another "posession". Perhaps this is at the root of all jealousy issues?

yoxi 06-24-2009 04:36 PM


Originally Posted by Mark1npt (Post 2136)
... many guys truly view their women (loves) as another "posession"...

...and of course, many women view 'their' men that way too. It's just something people do sometimes. We all need to look deep into ourselves to make sense of jealousies - there's generally a middle ground between 'it's all my stuff' and 'it's all their stuff' :).

MonoVCPHG 06-24-2009 05:02 PM

I'll play devil's advocate here I guess.

There is also the simple possibility that his depth of emotion for you has changed. He may be falling deeply in love with you and, being monogamously wired, he is following his nature. It is like the transition between casual dating and committing to one person in the usual path of monogamy. For him it might simply be a natural progression based on his nature. A monogamous mindset does not always imply wanting to possess someone. It can also be about two people committing to each other in a very specific way based on mutual expectations.

The key here is seeing if there is a way to bridge the gap between his progressing expectations and yours. Society or environmental conditioning is often used as a scapegoat for people not being confident enough to follow there own path. I fully agree that the external factors of environmental conditioning play a part in many relationships but certainly not all. Don't assume he is just bending to the expected norm is all I am asking.

Hopefully you will find a way to progress in your relationship but alternately, hopefully you will be able to let go if there is no way to meet your natural needs and his.

Best wishes, take care

Mark1npt 06-24-2009 05:19 PM

I stand corrected yoxi, of course you are right.....women do it too....but my perspective has been more from what I've seen fellow guys do as a rule.

Mark1npt 06-24-2009 05:21 PM

Mono, I think you hit on something here...their changing levels of love or committment appear to be altering their views, wants, etc.....very difficult to catch lightning in a bottle....and contain it there.

yoxi 06-24-2009 09:51 PM

Hey, Mark1npt, I wasn't trying to correct you, I was just adding another side to the discussion :). I find it helps to see that alongside the differences between men and women, we're also both more similar than we like to think we are.

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