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-   -   Where will we end up? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4118)

LovingRadiance 11-02-2010 01:27 AM

Where will we end up?
 
Maca moved out.
He's living in a motorhome about 45 miles away.

He broke up with his girlfriend too-well.. he told her he's calling off the sexual nature of their relationship, I'm not sure if that means BROKE UP or just on hold. It wasn't important, I didn't think to ask.

He's working on dealing with his own emotional baggage.

He told me that he's been lying to himself, trying to "smile until you like it" sort of thing all of this time and he can't do it anymore. He says he hates GG and can't forgive us for the past. He says he doesn't want to share me.

He also says he loves me. He doesn't want a divorce even if we aren't going to be together. He asked me if we could still be friends no matter what.

GG, Mimi, the kids and I are all still living in the house. Maca can't permanently stay in the motorhome. But-in order for him to get his own place (if he decides to make this more permanent) we're going to have to do some finagling to make finances here work and leave him with enough for him as well. That makes me nervous.

I don't want him to make this permanent or semi-permanent. But when I told him I was poly a year ago-I committed myself to accepting that if he couldn't deal with it, I would let go without a fight.
God damn it hurts though. :(

SNeacail 11-02-2010 01:38 AM

Hugs LR
Still hoping this is temporary.

LovingRadiance 11-02-2010 01:44 AM

Me too.
Maca came out yesterday and we had dinner while GG took the kids to do the Halloween stuff.
It was a good dinner, we talked a lot about a variety of topics. Some playful, most quite serious.

There are no answers yet, but he's obviously thinking. That's most important. He's working on getting to know and understand himself better. He had jury duty out here and found out after dinner, it was late. So he stayed the night here last night.
Tonight he stopped by for a couple hours after jury duty, then headed back to town to work on the motorhome he's staying in (belongs to his boss).

I'm just waiting.
Waiting sucks.
But what else can I do in regards to us?
Nada.

Rarechild 11-02-2010 02:12 AM

LR,
Sorry to hear it's so hard right now. Hugs to you, lovely lady.

LovingRadiance 11-02-2010 02:18 AM

Thanks.
It's hard to watch as much as it is to live it.
:(

Seeing Maca's heartbreak.
Seeing GG struggling because there is nothing he can do to help.
Seeing the kids miss their daddy.
Seeing Mimi fluttering around on overtime trying to take care of everyone (she's the healer person).

It sucks.

I locked myself in the bedroom for a day-just slept the whole day away (yes and the night previous and following).

UGH.

MonoVCPHG 11-02-2010 03:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance (Post 51101)
I locked myself in the bedroom for a day-just slept the whole day away (yes and the night previous and following).

UGH.

Sorry to hear all of this my friend. I messaged Maca but no answer. I hope you guys find your way sooner than later. Sorry :(

LovingRadiance 11-02-2010 03:36 AM

He hasn't had internet until yesterday.
But then got called to jury duty today-so he wasn't online.
I imagine he'll respond eventually.

Thank you Mon.
Just trying to take one day at a time here.

:o

MonoVCPHG 11-02-2010 03:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance (Post 51110)
He hasn't had internet until yesterday.
But then got called to jury duty today-so he wasn't online.
I imagine he'll respond eventually.

Thank you Mon.
Just trying to take one day at a time here.

:o

Finding that peaceful consistency seems so hard sometimes. Be strong and you can always call on your friends. All of you can.

redpepper 11-02-2010 05:09 PM

Oh LR. I'm so sorry to hear that. As Mono says, at support we can give, please ask.

LovingRadiance 11-02-2010 08:38 PM

Not a lot to update. I woke up to my phone having 11 new text messages about Maca's insecurities, his feelings of worthlessness and his sense of being secondary.
I blogged about it.

I can't much help him. He knows that the emotions aren't tied to things that are actually real-just the way he feels.

I actually noted in my blog earlier last week that I had to wonder if he was like Mon-fell in love with his girlfriend, and dropped feelings here. That doesn't seem to be the case-though it was looking like a possibility for a bit.

I think honestly-he's just seriously got some major shit to work through from his life and he's managed to "fake it" for so many years that now it's a mountain RANGE to work through. :(

But I don't know what to do except to sit here and wait for him.


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