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-   -   We are not all Unicorn Hunters!! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=41154)

Malfunktions 02-21-2013 04:32 PM

We are not all Unicorn Hunters!!
Originally posted to a diff forum but I moved it here too :)

Hey all,
Not normally a venter but I HAVE been jaded.

And no, before I start, this did not happen on this site. Everyone that I've met here has been the very bestest!

5 TIMES. that's the number of times I have been labeled a Unicorn Hunter.

My LTR and I have decided to add a third. I am bi. He is straight. So far yes, it's adding up to possible Unicorn Hunter alert status. But here's the kicker. We have no bridge to gap, perfectly content with each other. Lack nothing. Want for nothing. He wants to welcome another woman, I want to welcome another companion. No one knows a girl like a girl! Plainly put.
He's 33 and a VERY active sexual beast, LOL, and I'm a 27 year old with a submissive personality. Another woman will be able to satiate his prowess as I won't feel like a literally rubbing post HA HA HA HA HA.

The only way to approach this situation is with humour because there is nothing wrong here. But when we post that we're looking to date, to add, etc, we are met with criticism.

Reasons this irritates me:
1) We're looking for an equal companion
2) We have no idea what we're looking for so there's no list of best qualities or things we'd like to see.
3) We don't "shark" the bar scene.
4) We're NOT the Bonnie and Clyde of Polyamory. We're not looking to find the optimum and then corrupt and defile.

So that's pretty much it... Apologies if my thought process is all over the place and difficult to follow cause I refuse to proof read rants. Because when you proof read rants they become a methodical complaint.

Anyone feeling me? Sound off below!!!!

StudentofLife 02-21-2013 06:02 PM

I do hear what you're saying. It can become very awkward very quickly, as I found out on another site, when a basic question I asked turned into a 3 page hassle between other posters (I jumped for safety and stayed out of that).

It's hard when you feel your motives are benign, and your desires within reason, and yet nothing you express seems to be conveyed clearly that way.

In some ways, I wish the famed communication skills of people living in polyamorous relationships transferred more completely to the internet forums. I belong to a forum dedicated to LGBT issues, and there seem to be far fewer communication breakdowns there, but I suspect in part that is due to the younger general age of members and the older people there really trying to support the kids.

Wish you the best!!

Malfunktions 02-21-2013 06:17 PM

I just wonder why looking for a third is considered such a blasphemy? Why are people so quick to accuse someone of being that which seems to be distasteful? Is being successful in our relations a good thing? Can the world not be happy because we want to open up to another person? I don't understand why a seemingly simple request is considered bad. We want to love another, that is the direct definition of polyamory , is it not? The ability to love more than one person?

So frustrating sometimes.

StudentofLife 02-21-2013 06:32 PM

Well, in some ways it has nothing to do with us. People who have gone before have created a certain dynamic that is viewed in a certain way, and we are just showing up at the end of the party and being told about what a huge mess there is to clean up. I try not to take it personally, since I have yet to have an actual polyamorous relationship. I know I didn't play a part in creating the mess, so to speak.

But there we are and there the mess is. And if we want to enjoy the space, we could pitch in and help clean up, I guess. Be sure to do things the right way, act responsibly and ethically. Trouble is, when that was your intention from the get-go, it's hard to be treated as though you walked in with poo on your shoe, scattering used beer cans, and spitting on the floor.

Is that kind of what you meant? Are we seeing this the same way?

Malfunktions 02-21-2013 06:47 PM

The exact same
That's exactly what I am thinking as well. You couldn't have put it better! Thanks a lot, I feel much better that someone agrees with me. :D

AnnabelMore 02-21-2013 06:53 PM

My take (this link should take you directly to my comment, but if it doesn't just scroll down to the comment from "Anna M.", that's me): http://www.lovemore.com/blog/?p=1050...#comment-28308

The problem seems to largely be one of different definitions, always a problem in subcultures. My impression is that most people would define unicorn hunters as an m/f couple seeking a bi woman to be with both of them (I would argue that the gender is irrelevant but thats neither here nor there). So, it'll probably be helpful to accept that you will be considered unicorn hunters by virtue of meeting that definition. What you seem to be arguing is not that you are not unicorn hunters, by that definition at least, but rather that not all unicorn hunters are acting in bad faith. Still, many women will avoid you because they *don't* want to be expected to get involved with two people as a package, for all the reasons I described in the comment linked above and more.

Personally, my question is always: what would you do if the person you're seeking, after some time dating, ends up only interested in one of you? Dump her? Or be ok with it? If the latter, I, personally, wouldn't class you as unicorn hunters per se (though, as I've been describing, others still well). It's the overemphasis on a particular structure that I find most problematic and most likely to break hearts and screw up lives.

ThatGirlInGray 02-21-2013 07:08 PM

Reasons a LOT of poly people have a problem with people dating "as a couple":


Originally Posted by Malfunktions (Post 185834)
1) We're looking for an equal companion

What does this even mean? Equal in what ways? You've "decided" to add another. Okay. I'm going to assume best intent and figure you mean you decided to look for another. Fine. Will she have the same freedom to look for other partners that the two of you are currently exercising? Have you two made decisions for yourself about having kids? Will her choices have to align with yours? If she wants to have kids with him, is that okay? If she wants to have kids with someone else, is that okay?

Dating one-on-one is hard enough. Finding someone you are attracted to, that is attracted to you, where you fit together well in a relationship, is already monumentally difficult and takes TIME. When dating as a couple, you want him to be attracted to her, you to be attracted to her, her to be attracted to him, AND her to be attracted to you. What you are searching for is automatically at least FOUR times harder than what most of our society considers "typical" dating.

Originally Posted by Malfunktions (Post 185834)
2) We have no idea what we're looking for so there's no list of best qualities or things we'd like to see.

In some ways this helps, in some ways it reinforces the perception of online people that perhaps you haven't fully thought this through. If you don't want to be labeled a "hunter" of the EXTREMELY rare set-up you appear to want, perhaps you should say you're OPEN to this type of relationship, not LOOKING for it. It seems like a minor difference, but it comes down to the difference between being interested in meeting people and getting to know them AS PEOPLE, versus having a pre-defined role you want someone to fit into. It's a little like the folks who trawl the dating scene for easy sex: one is always questioning if someone is interested in YOU or just what they can get from you.

Originally Posted by Malfunktions (Post 185834)
3) We don't "shark" the bar scene.

I don't know what this means, so I can't speak to it. Does this have something to do with the idea of someone older/more experienced preying on someone younger/less experienced?

Originally Posted by Malfunktions (Post 185834)
4) We're NOT the Bonnie and Clyde of Polyamory. We're not looking to find the optimum and then corrupt and defile.

Hopefully no one here made that assumption (I know, you said it didn't happen here) but the unfortunate truth is that far too many women who start dating and then living with an already established couple are used as a combination sex toy/housekeeper/babysitter. If that's not your intention? Great. People are still going to caution you about it to hopefully convince you to put extra effort into avoiding that scenario.

Finally, for those who open up a relationship, the expectation all too often seems to be that they're going to quickly find someone to make this great idea they had happen. It doesn't work that way. How long did you date before you met your husband? For myself it was years. And, as I said above, what you're looking for now is even MORE difficult to find and MORE rare than typical dating. So yes, those of us who regularly volunteer to give advice to people starting out get a little tired of the "we've already been looking for MONTHS!" complaint, and the "how do we find the right/perfect person?" question. There's isn't a magic way. There isn't a formula for how long it will take. All you can do is get out there, meet people, and be open to the possibilities, which scares the CRAP out of some people (understandably so!). Which is another reason why poly isn't for everyone, and also why some people just fall into it when they weren't even looking for it.

So if you're repeatedly being labeled a Unicorn Hunter, you have a few options: 1) assume they're all bitter and jaded themselves and ignore it. 2) think about if there's something in your approach that it sending that vibe and consider if there are any changes you could make in your approach. or 3) Own it. Accept that what you're looking for it extremely unlikely, but you're going to look for it anyway and IF you find it, AWESOME, and if you don't, you'll be fine as you are because as you said, there's nothing wrong with your current relationship.

Probably not the "sounding off" you were hoping for, but I hope you can understand where the "other side" is coming from sometimes.

Malfunktions 02-21-2013 07:09 PM

"Another big problem is with the idea that the relationship must be closed. The existing couple gets to enjoy the deep, complex companionship of the settled, partnered, duo love they’ve built wih each other plus the rush of new love with their third, while insisting that the new partner only be with them and only experience love as the newcomer, the third, the most-disposable one (I hate to say it, but it’s true… in a major crisis, who would you prioritize, your partner of 10 years and the mother of your children or your new lover of 6 months?)."

Thank you. This is something we hadn't thought of.

Malfunktions 02-21-2013 07:19 PM

Thatgirlingrey, you've made some spot on points and everything is open to perceptions.
About the sharking thing- yes that it. We're 27 and 30 and do not troll the dance clubs looking for early 20's experiments.

We should be judged on who we are not on label misconceptions. We are completely aware of the IF factor being as our quiet little corner in Canada has probably never even heard of Polyamory before. They are still under the preconceived notions that anything more than M/F is cheating on the other/whoring around/or some uber strange sexual sadist fantasy. Yay for the Bible Belt.

Helo 02-21-2013 07:30 PM

I haven't found single poly people to be THAT rare. Perhaps its because I'm a bit younger but they don't seem to be as scarce as people paint them to be.

Where I ran into trouble was being a relatively single poly guy. Single poly women are highly sought after, single poly men...not so much.

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