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-   -   We are not all Unicorn Hunters! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=41152)

Malfunktions 02-21-2013 03:59 PM

We are not all Unicorn Hunters!
Hey all,
Not normally a venter but I HAVE been jaded.

And no, before I start, this did not happen on this site. Everyone that I've met here has been the very bestest!

5 TIMES. that's the number of times I have been labeled a Unicorn Hunter.

My LTR and I have decided to add a third. I am bi. He is straight. So far yes, it's adding up to possible Unicorn Hunter alert status. But here's the kicker. We have no bridge to gap, perfectly content with each other. Lack nothing. Want for nothing. He wants to welcome another woman, I want to welcome another companion. No one knows a girl like a girl! Plainly put.
He's 33 and a VERY active sexual beast, LOL, and I'm a 27 year old with a submissive personality. Another woman will be able to satiate his prowess as I won't feel like a literally rubbing post HA HA HA HA HA.

The only way to approach this situation is with humour because there is nothing wrong here. But when we post that we're looking to date, to add, etc, we are met with criticism.

Reasons this irritates me:
1) We're looking for an equal companion
2) We have no idea what we're looking for so there's no list of best qualities or things we'd like to see.
3) We don't "shark" the bar scene.
4) We're NOT the Bonnie and Clyde of Polyamory. We're not looking to find the optimum and then corrupt and defile.

So that's pretty much it... Apologies if my thought process is all over the place and difficult to follow cause I refuse to proof read rants. Because when you proof read rants they become a methodical complaint. ;)

Anyone feeling me? Sound off below!!!!

Natja 02-21-2013 05:56 PM

To be fair a Unicorn Hunter is a couple looking for a bi-female to be a partner to them both.
It doesn't have anything to do with your four reasons. Therefore your whole rant boils down to 'We are not Unicorn Hunters, except we are, but I don't like being called it'

Malfunktions 02-21-2013 06:10 PM

My apologies for the misunderstanding. Any research on the subject I found was directed around the requirements of an intense criteria that they were looking for as such.

Again, I apologize for the rant.

Natja 02-21-2013 09:10 PM

No need to apologise, we all need a good rant at times!!

niceinjeans 02-22-2013 02:50 PM

it is what it is
There is definitely a negative connotation to the term "unicorn hunter", but I believe it stems from people's experiences with M/F couples looking for a bi woman to form a triad. These explicit expectations have shown to be unrealistic in practice; numerous issues have been laid out in other posts (what if she bonds more quickly to one of you, what if no romantic bond happens with one of you, etc, etc). I am not saying that an equilateral triad with two women and one man is not possible; I certainly believe all relationship models are possible. However, the sheer number of M/F couples seeking this idealistic model greatly outweigh the number of successful triads I have seen.

Have you tried dating separately?


RfromRMC 02-22-2013 03:35 PM


Originally Posted by niceinjeans (Post 186035)
However, the sheer number of M/F couples seeking this idealistic model greatly outweigh the number of successful triads I have seen.

Or more pointedly, they outweigh the number of actual single poly bi females seeking a MF couple. Which is why they are called "Unicorns", as in, something rare, and hard to find.

Perhaps a more polite way would be to say "Unicorn Seekers" instead of "Hunters". (Unless they are doing it overly aggressively, in which case "hunters" might be appropriate in those cases.)


NovemberRain 02-25-2013 03:03 PM

You might find this article helpful:

Malfunktions 02-25-2013 03:30 PM

Thanks :) very informative and helpful.

kdt26417 02-26-2013 05:43 AM

Good article NovemberRain, I bookmarked it.

I'm always reluctant to say "unicorn hunter/s" because it's a pejorative, but let's say, in very simple terms, that there are "good unicorn hunters," "well-meaning unicorn hunters," and "bad unicorn hunters."

Bad unicorn hunters are people who woo a third person (a "unicorn") for them with rosy promises, then objectify that person, make that person secondary to the "primary couple," and insist on all kinds of things such as exclusivity from the unicorn person and all kinds of "little rules" (possibly chores too) which the primary couple chooses, the secondary person gets no say in, and the secondary person must do/obey. Bad unicorn hunters boldly set things up to be good for them (the primary couple), and bad for the unicorn (the secondary third), who must be a bi woman perfectly equally in love with both primary partners, and who must be celebate whenever the primary partners say so (while the primary partners continue to be intimate with each other).

Well-meaning unicorn hunters honestly try to treat their "unicorn person" as an equal, but they find that equality is impossible, especially if the whole poly arrangement is kept in the closet, and the "unicorn" ends up feeling like a dirty little secret. They may find they are having jealousy issues because the "unicorn" is "more in love" with one than the other, or because the unicorn "came already attached" to another spouse/relationship/s (or wants to pusue other relationships).

Good unicorn hunters are, first and foremost, flexible. They realize their "unicorn" might have completely unpredictable wants, needs, or attachments. They are willing to evolve with a relationship that may turn into something rather different than the originally-envisioned triad. Perhaps they will end up with a V, or a quad. Perhaps the unicorn's kids will be moving in. Good unicorn hunters will prepare themselves to take such unpredictable twists into stride, and love the unicorn for who they are, not for whoever they might have envisioned originally.

Of course there are "bad unicorns" too, such as people who turn out to be cowgirls, narcissistic, or psycho. When you look for "your unicorn," try to find someone who will be good to you, and you be good to them too -- the unique, individual, quirky souls that they are.

I have a very good impression of you as a person and feel bad that you have had to wear the "unicorn hunter" label. Maybe the answer is to "take the word back" by showing that you can make it a good thing? Do lots of reading, studying, asking questions, and doing the best you can.

Remember that just being polyamorous at all is considered a *bad* thing by the mainstream of society out there -- and unfortunately there are "bad polyamorists" to help buoy up that discrimination. You don't want to give up poly just because some people think it's sick or evil. Don't give up the "unicorn hunt" either. Just do your best to do it right.

I am right here on your side, and am pulling for you.

Kevin T.

NovemberRain 02-26-2013 06:36 AM

I'm glad you both liked the article! I saw the other thread after I posted in this one, I was sort of surprised no one had linked it already.

The mere fact that you're open and seeking info, and that you liked the article, Malfunktions, tells me you're a pretty good egg.

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