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-   -   New Love and Possessiveness (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4112)

polytriad 11-01-2010 04:54 PM

New Love and Possessiveness
Hello all.....

Since I last posted to "Second Start" things were not looking so good for our triad. We have gotten past a lot with counseling and good communication thus far. We have a new issue that I'm seeking some guidance on.

My Wife has fallen in love with our girlfriend Nikki....Great right? You would think so......but

What has happened is my wife originally had issues with being possessive over me...now she is possessive over Nikki and Me. Meaning that she wants all Nikki affection not so much of mine because she is in the new love state of mind so her thoughts are consumed with Nikki. Which doesn't bother me. What does is how she gets really upset when Nikki and I have affection with one another because she feels like that affection could have been given to her. Not only is this become an issue but because she has fallen for Nikki and her mind has been filled with Nikki she feels guilty because her thoughts are no longer consumed with me but with Nikki. I have reassured her that I'm not threatened or upset that I'm not the only one in her head or for the moment not in there at all but that is the point to in a poly relationship which is why I'm ok with it ...but she still fills guilty.

Any thoughts?

NeonKaos 11-01-2010 05:24 PM

I seem to remember that the basic issue here is that your wife doesn't want you and nikki to get it on. The only thing that's different now is that she says she's "in love" with nikki.

It sounds like your wife would prefer to be the hinge of a V with two partners who are monogamous with her.

It does not seem to me as though much has changed. From what you have written here, your wife sounds like quite a manipulator. At this point, I'm reluctant to say much more without having your wife and nikki here to give their sides of the story.

RBMaelstrom 11-01-2010 05:32 PM

Not knowing more of the specifics, I'd have to say that I agree with the above poster. Your wife sounds like she's doing a pretty impressive job of manipulating the situation.

The fact is that she cannot have it both ways. Emotion is rarely rational, so you may have to let it settle a bit before you confront it head on. But that said, your wife can't have it both ways if this is to be egalitarian in terms of everyone's feelings.

Either she can share one or both of you, or she can't. She needs to make that decision and then stick by it. That isn't to say that it won't cause feelings to flare or things to happen on any given day, but without a sane and rational basis for your relationship.. you'll be trying to balance everything off, every single day.

polytriad 11-01-2010 05:55 PM

I apologize for not clarifying. it wasnt that she didnt want Nikki and I to get it on...she wanted to reach a level of connection with Nikki that was similular to mine. We are all together now. My wife is very open when her comfort level with Me and Nikki's interactions and Nikki and I are content with moving at the pace of the slowest common denominator we are all on equal ground as far as what is and isn’t ok...So when I said we are passed things I mean the hang ups we were dealing with before. My wife has accepted poly as apart of her and something she can enjoy and understands more so now how its possible to love two people without it taking away anyone. She is in a tender state now and I want to be supportive as does Nikki but its difficult when she behaves in such a manor that drives us away.

RBMaelstrom 11-01-2010 06:28 PM

Ahhh, yes that is a whole different ball of wax. Take my opinion with a grain of salt, but your wife's expectations are unrealistic. I learned this lesson the hard way under similar circumstances.

Relationships in general tend to spark out of things that we can't explain, acts that are hard to reproduce, and connections that you can't force. Your wife's affections are not going to be the same as yours for Nikki, nor hers for your wife or you. Each relationship is likely to be independent with its own quirks, wonders and faults. While it's easy to want to bind them together with a 'we all rise and fall together' attitude, it's just not that simple in my opinion.

A corporate project with its various components is easy to assemble, disassemble, and break down its failures with a minimum of hurt feelings. Celebrations are quick, metered and then over with. A polyamorous relationship is nothing like that. Thinking that you can force the same 'production' out of different people under similar circumstances is folly. You may all celebrate together, but like with any multi-person effort, human beings vary and so too do their results.

Your wife's want for equality all the way around is admirable, but incredibly difficult to attain. Make sure that she won't be too upset if this lofty ambition doesn't come to fruition.

glowinthedarkstars 11-01-2010 07:12 PM

Im having this issue as well. P has become infatuated with my girlfriend of about a month now and I am feeling threatened instead of excited for him. I dont know where to turn or how to deal. The best advice I can offer you is continue counselling and being open. Discuss the matter often. Sometimes it feels as though my relationships are almost consumed by deep important conversation on topics like this one, but it really makes things better to have everyone on the same page...

polytriad 11-02-2010 04:30 PM

Thank you for the hug @ glowinthedarkstars....

Thank you all for your advice. We will be with our poly councilor tonight she is awesome and I really depend on her to sort out things for us as she has in the past. I agree that the probably of equal levels in feelings between a triad is not very likely. I like the idea of individual relationships Wifey and I….Nikki and Wifey ….Nikki and I….Wifey and I…and all of us together...each relationship would have its own growth rate. I'll keep you all posted.

polytriad 11-04-2010 11:13 PM

My Poly councilor ROCKS!!! She got right to the nitty gritty…She just has a way of reading body language and asking probing questions like I do and I love it. She can identify the “real” issues when people can’t quite put a finger on it.

So….Wifey informed Nikki a month or so ago that she was falling in love with her. I was excited for them. Nikki told me about this and I slowly started giving them (wifey and Nikki) space where I could…like letting them snuggle on the couch while I sat in my recliner…or not asking to take Nikki somewhere or Wifey somewhere so they could have open time for eachother….all this to me and Nikki seemed like an awesome thing I was doing for them…but to wifey it felt as those her new found feelings pushed me out of her mind when in reality it was me that was drifting off into the shadows…..so….all in all Nikki and I have been showering Wifey with love and trying to give each other love without withdrawing from wifey even if we think its to give needed space for the other to occupy.

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