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trixlg 02-21-2013 03:03 AM

The Unknowing.
Hi all, going to put a Warning out here. my grammar sucks ball's! sorry, I try, I really, really do.

Moving on. I have been with this sight for some time.. I created an account years and years ago when I was a newbie looking for more info, didn't realize I had it and forgot about it, and now here I am back...

I am back on here. why because every person needs some where to go, and when you feel like you have run out of choices, Even when your SO and you communicate like crazy its some times hard and need more opinions other then just your SO. Not to validate what your thinking, just more opinions more stuff to dig in and give you food for thought.. and to learn with and grow with..

So with that Hello;) You can call me trixlg or trix which ever I don't mind.
I am 36 who relates bi and very femmie. I put my self in to a percentage bracket. Basically, if I didn't have my SO I would be most defiantly lesbian, with my SO I say I am 80% lesbian 20 % Straight A:).. My
SO. I call him boie, he's three years younger then I. So that makes him 33. We have been together as a couple for 18 years, married for 15 and I have been open with who I am for 8 years now out and proud and open about being Bi, and I have been poly for 5 years maybe longer. I don't know if I should include my boie in on poly? I relate as poly he says he relates as mono, however, after many conversation's he is acceptable to being poly if we were able to find the right mesh for our family and lifestyle and to be bluntly honest I am always work through all my issues.<sigh>

We met in high school I was a senior he was a sophomore. It wasn't not love at first sight, he was actually going to be a one night stand for me, I was in serious hurting pain.. I had just broken it off with a Man, and I do say man he was 26 i was 18 that we had been on and off again for 3 years. My mother put a restraining order against him, well because he was married. However, I and him new what we were doing, and he was and adult about it and had told his wife who he was separated from, however I just woke up and realized I Wanted and needed more and he wasn't able to do that for me I moved on.

any how as months went on and I was intrigued with my boie sweet love of young ones, I fell in love between realizing when I allowed another man to kiss me while I was away at college and he seen it happen, and when I felt I couldn't be with out him mah boie.

by that next summer I was married to him and have been happily married every since, however we do have our up's and our downs like any normal couple, we have been through a lot of normal life shit, but we have managed to communicate and talk it through were pretty much on the same page, some times we get off a page or two but generally were there.

we had our first child when he was 17 and I was almost 21, our second child came 4 years later.

Right after 2nd child I ended up with postpartum that ended up into Deep Depression, with some major issues.. I never really talk about them, because I feel that I have over came a lot in my life, I went through therapy for 2 years, and was medicated for 3. I finally weaned my self off the medication due to really good therapy.. and Thought I was able to work through all the bs from my childhood trama.. basically a damn broke in my head and shit I blocked from my childhood.. came poring out after my daughter was born. I don't know if it was cause I had a girl or what but it happened, I had a lot of issues I almost ended my life one night.. but my child is what stopped me. I knew at that very moment that what I was about to do would affect her for the rest of her life, and my sons.. and that I didn't want to be that type of mother.. so I vowed never ever be that mother who left her children because she couldn't deal.. I maned up got the help I needed, tried not to push my husband away, due to the trauma and ended up on top.. or maybe..

trixlg 02-21-2013 03:03 AM

The rest of my story
How I became poly or why I relate as poly I should say.

So, we started out like a lot of couples do, having flings.. I never could see myself swinging, boie is also not the type of man that feels comfortable with performing in front of others, Or comfortable seeing me with another man. however, I am okay with seeing him with another woman, it's a turn on for me and I enjoy being apart of that. But shivers, I don't think I could be in a swinging situation.. especially with another man (more history to come on that). We decided to give random flings a try, we started out in yahoo chat rooms years, and years ago and then decided after ups and downs, more downs in my book.. but learning experiences all the same. That we actually wanted something more then flings. That's when I started doing research and wallah a label was born, and now I have a new shiny band aid to stick to me :) Poly-amours. But then we slowed down to a crawl especially since of the ups and downs with the various flings and realizing I had issues. so we go at a snails pace.

I met my first girl who I ended up just being friends with more so.. we tried the friends with benefits approach, but her secretes had ended it for me.. she told me things about her husband that well I didn't really want to know and well they are just in my book Unhealthy and to me her relationship is unhealthy and not what I want in a relationship for my self so, I decided i could do more by being a friend who is well honest and to the point. and it has helped.. she seeks me out all the time for some advise, or ask my opinion.. but due to the husband her not willing to get help for him and or her self.. I have backed off.. A lot.. but we still keep in contact and we still see each other on occasions.
So that didn't turn out as I had pictured a new poly relationship would, so alas lets try again.. this time with less expectations and well more sound boundaries in place then what I started with, I met Timmy we shall call her she was my first official Gf.. granted the boie had some issues of insecurities. I want to applaud how he was able to handle his A lot better then I have been able to handle mine. He did it like a champ.. although I say its because he is very logical thinking and me emotional thinker.. yeah lets put it this way he would be better at poly relationships then I would... but he is open to alot of things and that makes him a wonderful catch.. any how he handled it well I kept feeling pulled apart at the seams by the two of them, she was lesbian never been with a married woman, and was willing to give it a try.

However she demanded more of me then I was able to give, and well I ended it due to her lies and dishonest nature, and the drugs.. I don't deal well with dishonesty, and well drugs..

then we move on to T she was a girl I thought would be my unicorn or our unicorn.. ends up after 4 years of knowing her and being intimate with her .. she has sexuale issues.. she has a hard time having an orgasium with others which frustrates her and then causes her to panic and cry .. I held her one night and told her it was okay for her to be the way she was, and that I loved her the same with or with out it.. however me being an intimate type person, it became harder and harder to deal with.. so then I felt like I was a hypacret for saying those words.. and not being honest with us both. I do however still love her to this day and help her as much as i can.. she is one i can hold hands with .. we can make out with and be just how we are and are okay with it.. because I have learned what is expected of me and that's as far as it gets. mind you we dated as long distance which didn't make it any easier.

Now lets move on to Ruby, she came in to our lives, quickly, met her online, we met up, went out, she got plastered didn't know she had surgery for weight loss, she tried to keep up with my drinking and ended up passed out for 20 min.. then on the way home we were pretty much drunk talking about poly and how she would love to be in a triad.. and I thought really though she was the one.. come to find out that's what it was drunk talk.. we still had an amazing threesome and not just on that night.. but we decided her lovers were just too many for us.. she was the type that would do any thing for a friend.. and I do mean anything.. it came to the point that I asked her not to hook up with Cretin friends that I didn't feel comfortable being with in that intimate circle. well.. On date night out with us.. she ended up making out with some guy for a drink which still dumbfound me.. because we paid her way in.. and had just bought her a drink and ended up hooking up with the one person I asked her not too.. good by relationship. yet I was in the wrong for setting boundaries and that she likes to make her friends happy..Okay that ended on a sour note.. and I was still devastated not only for losing a friend but a possible long term triad. We learned what our limits were, and what we didn't want.. so learning experience...

I dated one more girl after that and it lasted 2 months.. because she was in the closet..

I have had a few hook ups here and there.. but nothing serious.

writing an introduction IS NOT EASY.

I know but i have written a book

however since I started writing this 3 days ago, and I have been dealing with some issues.. and a pattern I am trying to break.. which I am to soon be posting and asking opinions.. I have decided to take my self out of the dating pool and or even the poy relm to go back in to therapy to hopefully work past my one main issue.. Abandonment. I think it goes deeper hell I know it goes deeper.. but i have to work through this again.. even after 11 years.. and I want to be able to come back to this and I know I will be able to.. but I don't think its fair for me to be not emotionally sound and or involved in another person life with my issues.. I already have to deal with the pain of giving pain to my boie and that's bad enough in its self.

Also I have been reading a lot and I think I am codependent;( and not where I want to be .. but its where I see my self with my boie.. he is also I think codependent as well by how he says what he says.. I have asked him how he feels and well .. that's for another topic and another board.

so i guess that's me in a hand basket.. I have child hood trauma to put a sticky label to it.. I have some Major trust issues due to it.. and a lot of abandonment issues.. I have come along way if I am able to watch my husband have sex in bed with another woman.. but I still have issues :cool:<lesigh> I don't want them any more.. I want the feeling of not sure the word for it.. but complete utter happiness when I see my partner doing what ever he enjoys with whom ever he enjoys.. either be me or another..

kdt26417 02-21-2013 11:37 PM

Hello trix,

Glad to meet you here, I have been a member here for not quite a year. Thanks for sharing your story. It sounds like you've been through a lot. It's quite big of you to take responsibility for your issues and take time out to work on them. I know what it's like to have issues, I will probably always be a little out of sorts, but I'm a lot better than I used to be.

You will get some help here. Do lots of reading and posting. If you post something and no one replies for awhile, ping that thread with another post to get it to the top of the stack. Polyamory.com is such a bustling site, things do get lost in the shuffle from time to time.

I hope you get the help you need and come out on top once again. If you've done it before, you can do it again. Just be aware of your abandonment (and trust) issues and try to take a step outside yourself once in awhile, observe yourself as if you were an outsider. Reach out for the help that you need.

If you post (on this thread) a link to your new/upcoming thread, I'll have a look at it and try to help.

Good luck and regards,
Kevin T.

trixlg 03-21-2013 01:34 AM

Thanks, I hope as time goes on I will feel connected with my self in many ways. I have just been going through a lot of self reflections and I feel very overwhelmed by it all.. I am pretty much as I always say causing my own drama,. which is really uncool on so many levels.

thanks for replying.. my story really isn't all that interesting but.. it is.. how it has went so far.

kdt26417 03-21-2013 02:27 PM

Aww, I thought your story was interesting. :) I hope you are finding yourself making progress little by little.

trixlg 03-21-2013 04:11 PM

Until i see an actual therapist for some of the child hood trauma its what stops me from actually pursuing this life choice. I don't want to burden or hurt others with my issues.

kdt26417 03-21-2013 09:18 PM

Well let's just say I know from experience that childhood trauma can be a tough nut to crack. I suppose part of my problem was that I was too sensitive of a kid, but yeah, any of my siblings would agree that we had a really dysfunctional home environment. Heck, even my mom deeply regrets how she acted, and has expressed as much more than once. She's much easier to get along with these days, most of the time.

Guardian 03-31-2013 08:15 PM


Originally Posted by trixlg (Post 192176)
Until i see an actual therapist for some of the child hood trauma its what stops me from actually pursuing this life choice. I don't want to burden or hurt others with my issues.

I myself have had some child hood related issues from my past, abuse and the such, and I can relate to the feeling of being held back by the past. Please, though, do not deprive yourself love and support for fear that it will be burdensome to the one you love. As a human being you deserve support and respect, though you need not tell everyone every detail, those friends you trust can help support you and give you courage. Therapy does help with these traumas, so if you wish to pursue therapy, please feel encouraged to try. :) Just remember, if you are making an effort you are not a burden. Each of us have scars to some extent, some are just deeper from one person to another. I wish you luck, and if you wish to talk, I always have an open ear. (I find them rather hard to close, actually. Silly physics.) :cool:

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