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-   -   Feeling Hurt (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=41040)

polyamorycurious 02-20-2013 12:31 PM

Feeling Hurt
So my husband (t) likes to share me with other men sexually. We have had a few 3somes in the past. Recently he got one of his long time friends (J) to agree to have sex with me. Well I started having feelings for this person.

I expressed my feelings to T and he told me he didnt care if I asked J out and to be my boyfriend. After a few days of talking with T and just making sure it was ok, I asked J out.
To me it came as a total shock and surprise that he said Sure. So we made a date for this friday.

Yesterday I was texting J and asking him about work and told him I was excited about Friday. He said he was confused about it all. So I told him that I had feelings for him but I am still very much inlove with T. I told him I was going to go into more detail Friday, he said OK.

Right after that T came home from work looking like someone died infront of him. I kept asking what was wrong but obviously knowing already. He finally told me that he thinks he is going to get burnt in the long run. So I had him read the texts between J and me. He said he felt better and so on. But later last night he kept asking me about how things are going to work mostly in the future.

Honestly I told him I have no idea. We arent there yet. I told him I just wanted to take things slowly and and see where it went. I also told him that maybe he should text J and talk about it.

This morning when I woke up I asked T if he talked to J and T told me that he said that he would just talk to us on Friday. So I took T's cell phone and saw what was actually said.

T: so how to do feel about what B is asking you?
J: Eh, lol Im not really into it. I was going to talk to her about it Friday night.
T: Yea Im really effy on the whole thing


So now what. I dont know feel really hurt. I just want people to be honest with me. I took me a long time to even suggest this whole thing to T and now for it to be like this. I feel like the fool in this situation and instead of either of them getting burnt its me.... :(

GalaGirl 02-20-2013 03:27 PM

At this point in time, you guys are taking an assessment of your feelings to figure out how you all feel about it and an assessment of your fitness as a "V" shape thing before trying to fly that mission. I commend you for talking first.

So at this point in time, you guys have an appointment to talk on Friday.
  • (You plus J)

Later it appears it became
  • (You <--> J)
  • (You + J) <--> T (how this couple communicates with this single and vice versa)
  • (You + T) <--> J
  • (You + J + T) (working as a team)

talking on Friday.

At this point in time, you encouraged T to talk to B and take the assessment on that tier also.
  • (T+J)

T took your advice and contacted.

You felt a wrinkle in the

(T+J) <--> you because you desire to be kept in the loop more. You discovered something about yourself.

There are many tiers to your polymath and checking to make sure each tier is good and healthy is wise.

You peeked at his phone and found that (T+J) Did talk (good) and are talking about being unsure. (disappointing to you.) Given the stakes and what is at risk and what is proposed, to feel unsure is not unreasonable. You are experiencing disappointment because they (at that point in time of the phone messages) are not appearing enthusiastic to you. They both still sound willing to talk on Friday. You have opportunity Friday to clarify if they are not enthusiastic at all, or willing but nervous.

How is this not honest? Nobody has lied to you. :confused: You are IN THE PROCESS.

It takes TIME to sort and discern.
  • You could not jump to conclusions that people are treating you bad when they are not.
  • You could not rush people in sorting out how they feel.

It could be that initially they were intrigued, but when facing the realities of polyshipping they are not sure they have the skills to do it well. And want to talk about their concerns on Friday and how that will be handled so they could feel relief and more comfortable. A fitness assessment talk is a fitness assessment talk. Are each of us fit? Are WE fit?

I get the wanting to know NOW, but you don't get to know NOW. You can only know YOU and your feelings NOW, on Wednesday. You live inside there.

You don't get to know NOW about them and their feelings in full. You have an appointment on Friday for that.
  • Could cultivate patience. You will need it in polyshipping.
  • Could practice emotional management in the waiting. You will need it in polyshipping.

How could forum people help you in the waiting time? What kind of support do you need?


polyamorycurious 02-20-2013 03:48 PM

Your post made me feel better. I appreciate your insight. Sometimes its better for someone to help you look in then to just look out.

I felt hurt more than anything, not lied to.

Thanks to you I have more understanding. I (we) are all new to this and I dont fully understand how all of it will work out in the end.

Would you be able to maybe PM about your relationship and how it started and how you do things like family functions and how you came out to your family and friends. Maybe how your family life works.

A another fear that my husband has is that people are going to think of him as a b***h for "sharing" his wife with someone else but he does this regardless when we have 3somes. its just now going into a relationship form.

GalaGirl 02-20-2013 06:39 PM


I dont fully understand how all of it will work out in the end
You don't get to KNOW before you get there. You are living your story as you write it.

You could PM me. I'm not sure what I could offer but I'm willing to listen.


A another fear that my husband has is that people are going to think of him as a b***h for "sharing" his wife with someone else but he does this regardless when we have 3somes. its just now going into a relationship form.
Sounds like your husband has fitness assessment things to do on the
  • "me <--> myself"

layer of the polymath then. To come to terms and reconcile his fears if he wants to move this forward into a polyship with you all. Or decide he doesn't want to pay the price of admission and he does not want to participate in this because this is a personal limitation. He can deal with the fear when the happenings are "play dates" and at lower frequency/risk to being "outed." With a "serious" relationship and sharing of a LIFE rather than sharing sex, that's is a higher price tag to him to have to pay.

If he is not yet fit, he could choose to work on the skills to become fit. He could not choose behavior he is not yet fit for and overextend himself.
If he is not yet willing, he could look within to determine if this is a hard limit (will never be ok taking that risk) or a soft limit (could become willing over time).

It is ok to feel weird. The "new normal" always feels weird until time passes and you live with it and becomes "old normal."

Some people weather "times of transition and change" well. Some do not. (Again, this is part of assessment. Discerning how much you can take, are willing to grow to take, and what's just not a doable thing and is a personal limitation.)

You guys are IN THE PROCESS and talking. Are we fit? What's the price of admission? Can we afford to pay it? Do we WANT to pay it?

You are Engaged in serious conversation.

Even if the Engagement Time concludes after close examination that "No... we are not ALL fit AND ALL willing at this time" it's been a successful Engagement.
  • Those not fit? They could choose to grow the required skills and assess again at a later time.
  • Those not yet willing? Could articulate wants, needs, and limits that need meeting for their willingness to change. Or could choose to just not go there.
  • You all could choose something else entirely! You are free to choose together what you want to build or not build here.

There are always choices. It's ok.

Could be kinder to yourselves and acknowledge this is a life changing decision of this size, and that merits care and attention of this size. It could be a decision reached over time, info gathering, assessment, weighing things out carefully. It could be a decision reached impulsively.

You all could determine which approach serves the needs of THIS potential polyship group best. How does THIS group want to fly in polyship together? How to treat each other?

You are free to choose. You are not free of the consequences of your choices. Play ball, love hard, choose well. :)


Blu 02-23-2013 02:59 AM

I think reading T's phone without his permission was wrong.
I had an experience with that. It just made everything more complicated and the reader gets hurt even more than they would have in the long run, because honestly, those words probably weren't meant for you to read.
Just food for thought.

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