Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   Is Polyamory right for us? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4104)

cgraham1930 10-31-2010 09:09 PM

Is Polyamory right for us?
My wife and I have been married for 5, going on 6 years now. The relationship is less than perfect. We're actually very good friends and live a good life together, we get along for the most part, but that's all there really is. It's like having a really awesome room mate. I, however, want more from the relationship: sex, maybe kids one day, a full on intimate relationship like we used to have a few years ago. She does not. She doesn't have any desire for sex whatsoever, does not want children (it used to be a 'maybe, when we're older and established' but not any more), and doesnt care much for showing affection. she says our marriage was probably a mistake, and that she's not the marriage type. we did get married in kind of in a hurry (the military 'encourages' this)

We would probably break up, divorce, whatever, but a few factors are preventing us from doing this: i'm still in the military and stationed in Hawaii, so an official divorce or even a seperation and the military would kick me out of our house and move me into the barracks, then we'd be on the hook for sending her back to the states, and shipping all our household goods, or storing them, or we'd have to sell everything...it's complicated and the military makes relationships so stupid...also, we still love each other in our way, and we'd really miss each other.

she's actually encouraged me to "get out there and date again." I think it could be nice, but could also be weird. she's said she would like to meet the girls i date to "make sure she approves" (she would say while laughing, but i think she's serious in that). She has no intention of leaving and i don't want her to. But how in the world is this supposed to work? How many girls out there are really down for an awkward situation such as this? I have no idea how to even approach this plan, i mean, imagine the long story i'd have to give trying to explain the situation to a girl i meet at a bar. and i'd have to tell it over and over again as they all walk away...it's pretty comical in my mind.

So i ask, this polyamory for us? is this our solution, or at least A possible solution?

GroundedSpirit 11-01-2010 02:23 PM

Hey CG,

So how long to you expect to be in the military ?

It is a hard situation, approaching women while already technically married. Is your wife willing to verbally confirm your situation to a potential interest ? This would be critical. Not that it will probably raise your success potential much - but a little can be all that's needed sometimes. But you're wise not to get your hopes up.

If you end your service and get back to the mainland, then you two can have a better discussion about the best course of action going forward. If children are really important to you, legally you will probably need to divorce, as the current laws would not allow benefits from a non-spousal arrangement.

I'd say go explore, see what happens. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.


TruckerPete 11-01-2010 03:31 PM

I would urge your wife to go to the doctor and have her hormone levels checked, or look for other reasons why her sex drive is in the tank.

mj511729 11-02-2010 12:22 AM

I'd say that if you're both up for it, go for it. It seems clear that she wants what's best for you and wouldn't be too jealous.

Quite honestly, I don't know how you'd go about finding anyone else who would be interested in that lifestyle (I certainly wouldn't mention it casually to someone who you just met). Probably an online relationship would be the easiest, so you can make sure she knows the situation and is ok with it, before getting your hopes up.

Mohegan 11-02-2010 12:30 AM

I'm with TP. While the emotional aspect may have a lot to do with her lack of interest. I know when I finaly got my hormones straightened out, sex became a priority again, and so did our marriage.

But overall I think you both have to be sure of the path you are about to take.

There are women who will be interested, but it'll be full of complications.

redpepper 11-02-2010 05:23 AM

Actually I wonder if women would be more interested...it sounds like you are looking for monogamy with a bit of an arrangement for now, until your arrangement in the military changes. I would be up front and honest from the get go and make sure your story matches your wife.

I doubt that finding a reliable date at the bar will work for this one... too complicated and not the best circumstance to be under and be honest. But, you never know right?

You could find someone on a dating site, or at a local poly meet maybe... hell, try it all, see what happens. It could be a fun project for a time, and you might come up with someone... or your wife might think, "woah, he's serious" and change her mind.

ImaginaryIllusion 11-03-2010 02:51 AM

Speaking of local Meets, presuming that you're stationed at Pearl, there's the Pali Paths poly peeps (http://palipaths.org/index.php) who run meets in Honolulu. I wasn't able to check them out last time I was over there, but getting some face time with some poly's might be a good way to check things out and see if this way of living would suit you. And who knows...if it is something you're inclined towards, there might be some interested parties who will already have been introduced to you by the time it's figured out.

All times are GMT. The time now is 08:50 PM.