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-   -   I want your attention!! (Communication Issues) (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4103)

Selene 10-31-2010 06:55 PM

I want your attention!! (Communication Issues)
Hi all.
First off, I'm Selene from the party of 7 (Andulvar: my primary, Marius, Company, Vegeta, Ariel and Thunder). If you've been reading Marius's threads, you probably know a bit about me.

I'm quite new to this and still getting adjusted, but there is a pressing issue that I don't quite know what to deal with. So here's the thing: Andulvar and I live together in one house (House A) and everyone else lives in another (House B). These are located in the same apartment complex, so we're not more than 5 minutes away from each other.

I have begun feeling that everyone (except Andulvar) is a great deal closer. For instance, its quite rare that we get phone calls to go do something, and I get them more than Andulvar does. He is very depressed about this and we did bring this up with everyone, who said that they were sorry and would try harder. However, I don't see this...I'm trying to be patient and see how it plays out, but its hard when you hear about a group shower and you weren't invited. It makes me feel like I'm not considered or that I'm only there when it's convenient.

It's making me very, very angry inside and I have a bit of an anger problem to top this off, so...I'm trying to figure out the best way of action with this.
I'm...falling in love with these people and it hurts to think that I'm not being considered. It hurts more in the possiblity that Andulvar is not being considered, if anything.

Any advice would be awesome, of course, and please don't hesitate to tell me if you think I'm being ridiculous because I don't always catch it. Also, let me know if I can clarify anything for you.


NeonKaos 10-31-2010 07:13 PM


Originally Posted by Selene (Post 50954)
Any advice would be awesome, of course, and please don't hesitate to tell me if you think I'm being ridiculous because I don't always catch it. Also, let me know if I can clarify anything for you.

I'm not sure how to respond without looking like I'm jealous of your group showers (and I do prefer to shower alone given the choice).

Does that give you an idea what I might be thinking?

redpepper 10-31-2010 11:18 PM

Hi Selene. I don't think you re ridiculous, but I do think that you need to find a way to change your way of thinking. You two have always been included in the "7" when being referred to on here, so why should you think differently. I think that you should take advantage of the fact that you have some space and see it as a positive. Having space means you will miss out on some stuff, but really, there is no reason that you can't have people over to have a group shower. In that way you will get your need met to feel included.

In my experience I am included as much as I make an effort. I can't justify not being involved if I wasn't there and I can't put it on others to remember to include me. If I want to see them and be with them then I need to create that opportunity. When that happens people begin to think about me and invite me to stuff. No one invites me anywhere when I whine about not being included. No one likes whining and anger, so why would they want that around...

If you were to approach it all with the attitude of "hey. I would of loved to of been there, what happened... come over to my place and we can do the same, or can we all have a shower now." along with a smile and a cheery attitude, then I think you might find that everyone gets into you being around and wants you to be there next time... and will call you up to come over.

SNeacail 10-31-2010 11:30 PM

Those living in the same house will almost alway have an advantage when it comes to spontaneous things, that's just part of the nature of living together.

This happens in all relationships/friendships. My husband is at a meeting and I'm at home, then someone in the group suggests going for coffee afterwards. I usually hear about it after he gets home and occasionally he will bring me something. Does it bother me that I didn't get to go or wasn't even asked? Sometimes. Is it reasonable? Not really.

TruckerPete 10-31-2010 11:38 PM

Was it a spontaneous event? Because I think that being separate, you will miss out on some of those things.

It kills the spontaneous nature of the moment to say, "Hang on, let's wait for Selene and Andulvar!" And then hang around for five minutes.

Unless it has been otherwise agreed to, should the others not get their time together in whatever arrangements they wish? Do you want to have sex with everyone all the time? Does that mean you love them less? I would try not to take it personally.

Sorry to sound harsh. I'm having a hard time understanding what gives you the right to insist on being included in everything. If you lived a similar distance from Andulvar, would you be angry at him for masturbating in the shower?

As RP said though, you will get more space. And I strongly suspect the benefits of this will be seen once the NRE wears off.

NeonKaos 10-31-2010 11:42 PM

thank you rp and tp. those are the things i would have articulated but i was having an "i can't brain" moment.

Derbylicious 11-01-2010 02:16 AM

If you're feeling like you're being left out of things take the bull by the horns and start inviting all of them to do stuff. If they turn you down all the time you may be on to something when you think they're avoiding you but chances are they are just acting on their spontenaity.

btw how big is this shower? Thinking of my shower I think we can fit 2, maybe 3 tops in it! :o

Selene 11-01-2010 05:49 PM

@Derbylicious: Its not that big really >_>...theirs might be bigger because they have a bigger place.

Thank you everyone for the advice.

I spoke about this issue with Ariel and Marius yesterday. Ariel was very understanding and did explain to me that many of their activities were spontaneous and nothing really special. Marius was a little upset with me, because I was more angry that Andulvar was feeling upset. She cautioned me to defend my own feelings instead of his and just to let him speak for himself. I felt much better after speaking with both of them and most of this outburst stuff, I attribute to NRE, as it took me a while to be comfortable even in my relationship with Andulvar alone.

We spent Halloween together last night, which was very fun and comforting. By that time, news had gotten to everyone that Andulvar and I were distraught and they all did much to make us feel welcome. Andulvar even told me when we were going to House A last night that he was feeling closer to Marius and that she had done exactly what he had wanted from her (small physical contact things). It made me smile.

Fidelia 11-01-2010 10:08 PM


Sometimes making your needs and wishes known really is all it takes.

Good for all of you. :)

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