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-   -   toxic relationships (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4102)

Breathesgirl 10-31-2010 01:13 PM

toxic relationships
 
Breathes has a fwb whom I can NOT stand. Either she is toxic for me or my attitude is toxic.

Early on in Breathes & my relationship fwb & I did try to become friends but she put up walls to keep me out and couldn't handle my brutal honesty so that fizzled rather quickly.

A trusted friend, who knows all of us, tells me she has always been this way where Breathes is concerned. She puts up the walls, trying to chase away any possibility he may have at a relationship.

It didn't work with me, and won't. I'm here to stay.

Fwb puts up the walls, says mean things, tries to get all of his attention to herself, intrudes on time when I truly do need him to myself & just generally makes a nuisance of herself & inserts herself when/where she isn't wanted.

Since it's apparent she's in his life to stay, & that we can't forge a working relationship of some sort, I want to try to change my attitude so that she no longer has this power to totally sap any happiness from me when in each others' presence. I'm at a loss as to how to go about this short of going DADT where she's concerned which is something I can't do. I've never tried it but, to me, DADT just smacks of dishonesty because I would be totally in the dark & I would feel I was getting short shrift.

Has anyone been there, done that & have some advice on how to go about it?

It's not jealousy I'm feeling. It's full blown despise & hatred!

She's toxic to me, I recognize this. I try to NOT be where she is but that isn't always possible. Even the thought of her purposely changing OUR plans, which she did last night, by inserting herself where she wasn't wanted or needed has me boiling

How to change this?

NeonKaos 10-31-2010 01:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Breathesgirl (Post 50904)
Even the thought of her purposely changing OUR plans, which she did last night, by inserting herself where she wasn't wanted or needed has me boiling

How to change this?


"Toxic"? Never mind "toxic" - that's just plain RUDE. And it was disrespectful of Breathes toward you to allow it.

Breathesgirl 10-31-2010 02:03 PM

I neglected to say that it was a public Hallowe'en party. I agree though that it was rude. He has not say over whether she goes to public venues where we happen to be going.

GroundedSpirit 10-31-2010 02:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Breathesgirl (Post 50904)
Breathes has a fwb whom I can NOT stand. Either she is toxic for me or my attitude is toxic.
................................How to change this?

Hey BreathsGirl,

Tough situation. It's not uncommon to not "click" with someone our love may be attracted to, but this seems a bit more than lack of "click". It also seems (one side of the story) that she is literally quite vengeful towards you.

This is NOT going to work out long term - short of your mention of a DADT arrangement - which you say you can't abide. And even that wouldn't work unless she was willing for the same and would drop you as the target for her vehemence.

But beyond that, you might ask what this is telling you about HIM ? He is a party to this, not an innocent bystander. If he's making no attempt to get you all together, try to work out the issues, be at least respectful and civil to each other - what does that say about him ?

I'd give this some thought if it were me......................

We're only hearing one side of the story but it seems to be a story I'd write myself out of pretty quickly if it were all going this way.

GS

Ariakas 10-31-2010 02:23 PM

Out of curiosity

Is she toxic to him or bad for him? Ideally not looking at this through your eyes? Just wondering because in the end it is their relationship. You might not like parts of it, but you don't really have control. You could obviously point out why she is toxic and why she is wrong or bad, but in the end anything that happens needs to be his decision. Otherwise you end up with a slew of other problems.

Also, instead of thinking of it as vetoing, maybe you need to create some separation. If you two don't get along, it would be polite if he didn't invite her out to the same spots at the same time as you. It would only be polite.

As to public venues. I have friends that don't like each other, I have in the past asked one group to please not come out as it always causes tension with the other group. Personally as the hinge between those groups, that causes a lot of stress for me. (no none are romantic)

Sometimes the hinges forget this responsibility. Especially in a split V where the legs really don't like each other. If the hinge wants to maintain a relationship where sides dislike each other than its the hinges job to keep the peace. You cant force people who dislike each other to actually be friends. Thats just a fools game.

Hopefully Breathes can respect that enough to work with you so you can remain separated from her.

TruckerPete 10-31-2010 03:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ariakas (Post 50915)
Sometimes the hinges forget this responsibility. Especially in a split V where the legs really don't like each other. If the hinge wants to maintain a relationship where sides dislike each other than its the hinges job to keep the peace. You cant force people who dislike each other to actually be friends. Thats just a fools game.

Hopefully Breathes can respect that enough to work with you so you can remain separated from her.

This x100.

NeonKaos 10-31-2010 04:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TruckerPete (Post 50930)
This x100.

Me too. I seem to notice a LOT of cases where the "legs" of the V have problems "with" each other (or one has a problem with the other), but it's REALLY a problem with the "hinge". My judgmental, marginalizing, non-inclusive, humble opinion ("JMNIHO" from now on for short - gotta add this to the "abbreviations" glossary, note-to-self) is that the "hinge" thinks he or she will be pegged as "the bad guy" for stepping up and saying what's what, so they often take a "hands-off", let-the-situation-work-itself-out approach, which is one way to TRY going about it, but if it doesn't work, a more pro-active solution may be called for.

That's my sugar-coated, corporate-buzz-word-laced way of saying "sometimes people are selfish and lazy and don't want to put forth the effort, but would rather sit back and let everyone else do all the hard work until dinner is ready. Then they'll tell you what they don't like about the food."

Morningglory629 10-31-2010 04:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NeonKaos (Post 50934)
My judgmental, marginalizing, non-inclusive, humble opinion ("JMNIHO" from now on for short - gotta add this to the "abbreviations" glossary, note-to-self) is that the "hinge" thinks he or she will be pegged as "the bad guy" for stepping up and saying what's what, so they often take a "hands-off", let-the-situation-work-itself-out approach, which is one way to TRY going about it, but if it doesn't work, a more pro-active solution may be called for.

Agree. :eek: This is often the case. And it never really works itself out...for some it festers and explodes, for others a thicker wall is put up!

sage 11-01-2010 12:34 AM

Forgive me if this is slightly off topic but I think part of the problem is this whole bloody Vee thing. Just as the term "secondary" can be demeaning so too can being referred to as a leg of a Vee, especially when the legs are very, very rarely equal in length (or significance of relationship). How can Breathesgirl be equal to a fwb? Our Vee is much more like a tick. Maybe if the picture was changed to reflect the weight of parties involved some of these issues would resolve more easily?

Breathesgirl 11-01-2010 09:32 AM

Thanx everyone.

Things are on their way to working themselves out.

I've let it be known that I wish to change my attitude which is always a huge step towards getting it done because someone else can then tell me I need an attitude check & explain what I was doing/saying that requires it.

Apparently she said something to our friend on Saturday night that has really gotten him upset. She said something about my being cold towards her. We talked about it a little bit last night & I freely admitted that I was, hoping it would open up more dialogue to clear the air. It didn't so I'll let it ride for now since he's obviously not quite ready to get into the specifics of it yet. I'll touch base with him on it again in the near future & I'll journal it where he'll see it (he's not a member here) so he'll know, without a doubt, that I'm open to discussing it.

Time to get ready for work:(


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