Hello. Me again. I just had a conversation/heated discussion with my boyfriend. We have been together and poly for a few years now. Here's the short story. I saw him going on a sex site. Like myspace for people that just want all kinds of sex: nasty, normal, freaky, friendly, anything you can name it's on this site. For some reason it bothered me. Let me share why. I know that my bf and I have a different outlook on our poly lives. I want meaningful lasting LTRs. My bf wants sex. His main reason is this: he has me, I have been his gf of 2 1/2 years and counting, a good friend BG and her husband, and a new semi GF/ flirt buddy. He said he doesn't want any more real attachments beside these three. I'm totally cool with that and I understand. We work well together and we are doing well in that respect.
I just don't know why it bothered me. I'm not afraid he'll leave me for some lady on a sex site. So why should I be worried? I told him it bothered me. Mainly the STD's and the dangers of dealing with strangers in sexual settings. I would honestly not feel comfortable having sex with him after he met up with one of these women. It's like he's going to a prostitute w/o paying. I feel as if I'm a hypocrite. I want to be able to explore my sexual needs freely, so why can't he?
I'm just so frustrated. We have not been having sex at all lately (for at least 3 months, and before this it would only happen once a month or so). He says it's because my OCD gets in the way. I will admit that I can be a bit of a prude, but not in the way you might think. I'm not afraid to try things. I just have a problem with fluids... and most good sex involves fluids.
I feel like a monster. The thing is I told my self I would work on this problem, and I have been. The past two months I have been begging for sex and I was even prepared to do all the things he likes, but he has no sexual interest in me at all. He says it is because I don't like anything he does, so he has gotten so tired of me saying no that he doesn't want to bother anymore.
We are like room mates, not lovers, not boyfriend and girlfriend, not partners. I just don't know what to do. I acted like a teenager and had a hissy fit a few moments ago. I'm throwing lots of issues at you guys tonight, I do apologize. I just needed to vent. I know I don't want to break up, so it's not like that. How do I get past this? Part of me feels like a loser if I just give in and do things just because he likes them, and he told me he wouldn't like that. He wants me to be turned on, not feeling obligated.
I honestly just feel as if we need to take a break... but I don't know what type of break. We live together, and that part of life is great. It's just the sex. Maybe we can both agree to not worry about having sex with each other until we find out what it is we can offer one another. Maybe we really do just need to have sex with others. I'm all wishy washy tonight.
Not to mention it's also been a hard blow (pun intended) to my self esteem. I have a heart condition and I have put on some extra pounds. It seems as if we had more sex before this happened. I'm being a girl right now. It also doesn't help my case because I've been shot down by three different guys in the past year. These were men I really fell for too. I had super crushes on two and one I was in love with, still am honestly. I feel like I need some attention.
side note: he is more into kissing, giving and receiving oral sex, four play, romantic stuff.
I am more into D/s, spanking, being controlled. He does not like to do these things with me. I have a friend across the country that does but I'm not sure I'll be able to see this friend as often as I'd like. So, here we are, my guy and I, stuck, in love and the both of us have so much pent up desire.
I don't know if anyone can offer advise. It would help, but if no one can chime in it's okay. Just typing this out has made me feel better.
forgot to mention: my bf is not able to have sex with BG or his semi GF for various reasons, so no he is not using and abusing me. He just really wants sex and he wants it to be the type of sex he likes. I am not having sex with anyone else at the moment. I would love to but I just can't sleep with someone I don't know or care about and I have specail needs, as I mentioned above.
My immediate comment on the sex concept is one where I can relate. My wife and I sometimes just don't mesh. It happens. especially with different sexual needs and desires compounded by time with a person.
With my wife I am like you bf, with my gf I am .. well different. our desires together don't always match up. You might have to find a way to meet in the middle, or find your source of fun elsewhere. I find it VERY difficult to be dominant/sadistic with my wife.
Me finding someone I can be that way with, and her finding someone she could be that way with has opened us up to what we can do with ourselves. :)
Another point, you can't force someone to be dominant/sadistic, regardless of how small or great the play is. If they aren't, they aren't. They can fake it for a time, but I bet that wouldn't work out to well.
The point of that, maybe you need to discuss...and this will take work.
a) not what he wants
b) but what he can do for you to like it
A lot of stereotype revolves around guys liking sex to have sex. The problem with that, is there are those of us who like to please. If we can't please, we aren't interested. Being pleased is of little interest. Not sure how to make that work in your relationship but its something to consider.
Well here is the good news. Whatever the challenges are they can get fixed. It takes both work and...well...luck. A combination of finding poly, TRULY understanding our fetishes & sexual desires and us realizing our individual limitations of some of those sexual desires has helped us a lot. We can't be everything to each other, that was a big step.
Well hope that long response made sense.
I'm glad venting about this complicated situation gave you some clarity, GC. There's a lot going on here: heart condition, weight gain, OCD causing distaste for body fluids, polyamory, multiple partners who are both sexual and non-sexual...
BTW, have you been formally diagnosed with OCD, and are you receiving treatment?
It sounds like you've found a kind of sexual play you like, that doesnt involve body fluids such as saliva (found in kissing), or semen (resulting from giving him oral). You like kink play that doesnt involve orgasm? How about trying kinky play parties which have a no fluids rule? Would your bf accompany you to one, just as an observer, if that activity was followed by him getting his rocks off when you get home? Can you do intercourse w a condom? Could you do mutual masturbation?
Not being sexually compatible can be an issue. I hope you guys come to some agreement. I know if the committment is there, you both will make an effort to develop a 'sexual agenda' that works for you.
What I would say is ... there is no sex that is safe. Whether your bf meets a stranger for protected sex, goes to a party for protected sex, or deals with partners for protected/unprotected sex ... there is always risk. I don't mean to freak you out but protection is not 100% and there are some things protection may not cover like crabs or herpes. Even with sharing sexual health papers, some diseases (one in particular-herpes) are not included unless they are actual signs of this disease present on the body during examination for testing. I spent years working in clinics and with organizations focusing on STDS & HIV/AIDS and have been involved with people (on various levels) who were positive for one thing or another. With that said, you will always have to proceed with caution with anyone.
Thanks so much for the replies. We are doing better after talking about it more. I told him that I needed to find out why I had such a strong reaction to him looking on the site. I wasn't bothered by the site itself. I just didn't understand the fact that he actually thinks he'll fiind a real person on there that's good enough to have sex with. He told me that he never really thought he'd find anyone. He's has been looking on these type of sites for years. Then I remembered that I also have a few "dating" sites that I am a member of, and just like him I only look around for fun.
As far as being physical with each other goes, he told me that he is still into me but he just needs some time to himself. I'm okay with that. I don't actually like sex that much I just thought he was turned off by me and thinking this hurt my feelings. I honesty think we are both just ready to have sexaul experiences with other people right now. It has been a long time for both of us. Since I know why he is holding back I am totally okay now.
I always laugh thinking about how I freak out over something. The best thing to do is talk about it. Always makes it better. Again, thank you for your replies.
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