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-   -   Spilling the Beans (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=410)

LethalTender 06-23-2009 08:29 PM

Spilling the Beans
Now to the more difficult part of all of this... Having posted an introduction (one that I still admit, has left me feeling awkward) I am... now at the part where I offer up my life and my concerns... and then frankly ask a few (okay more like a multitude of) questions... aHEhm... I have been married for nine years... Sadly... I am finding it difficult to quite discuss the nature of my marriage just yet... and I apologize... however... I have allways found myself more... comfortable around women... and to no little extent... I am a consumate flirt... do forgive the rambling nature of this thread but... I have often... described myself... as... "the only Idealist/Realist/Romantic you will ever know"... yet the part that seems to get me in the most trouble... is that I can not seem to keep my heart... out of anything... and all to easily I find myself becoming emotionally attached people that become.. social and/or romantic... to the best of my ability to describe how I feel... I... LOVE... to LOVE... and I LOVE... being LOVED... I desire... intimacy... and the closer that I feel to any one person... the more that desire becomes a want to express that sexually... to validate the feelings that are felt in the most intimate way possible... I have... come to learn through many painfull choices and mistakes... that I have made in my life... that ultimately it is through the power of honesty... and open communication that true acceptance and intimacy can be fostered... that the indecisive guttering flame of love can be fanned into a roaring inferno... however... I still have so much to learn... and come to grips with... there remains so much yet that I am... trying to understand... be that as it may... I... apologize for how... erratic and inconcise this... whole thread has turned out... I fear that its.. become more of an emotional venting... a clearing of the mind and the heart... but.. for whomever has the patience to read this... thank you... please know that I will get my act together and properly ask for help... but... for now... I am... just simply appreciative to have a... possible audience...

Quath 06-24-2009 01:52 AM

Take your time and let it all out. It can get quite emotional dealing with feelings and attitudes that go against the stuff we were taught in out society.

LethalTender 06-24-2009 06:08 PM

Digging Deeper
Thank you Quath... To dig a bit deeper... At the moment I am in love with a woman that has torn my heart open and laid it bare in the most amazing an gratifying manner I could have ever imagined... Never has a person inspired me to do my best... to BE... all that I can be... as a man... as a person with a heart and a soul... How she has... seemingly completed me in ways that I dared not imagine possible... that this person... this woman this... angel had appeared in my life at the time that she did... has forever changed me... and in some aspects... saved... me... I am married... to a woman that I have never been in love with... a woman that has never... fed the emotional needs of my heart... my life... this... does not mean that I have no care or concern or love at all for this person... far from it... My wife is a good and warm hearted person... and a great mother... yet... the worst possible thing that I could have ever done to her... was marry her under false pretenses... I married her with the hope that I could make her happy... and in turn that making me happy... as well... I married her out of a sense... of obligation... I do... LOVE... my wife... and I provide for her... and care and support her as best as I can... however... there has... allways been an... emotional... distance.. on my part... that I know... hurts her... I have considered the thought of divorce in the past... yet... with the physical problems my wife now has... to... separate myself from her... would be to cut her off from the support and care she needs to remain viable... not to mention that I am terribly reluctant... to put my children through that painfull process... I do not hate my wife... and I have NEVER... been abusive... verbally physically or otherwise... but at times in my life I have... suffered these pangs... of remorse and self loathing... that leave me questioning the validitity of my existance... I have only had physical sex... intercourse with one person in my life... my wife... I have come from a deeply religious back ground... and in part of this I have had difficulty... wrestling with the ideals of my faith... and the wants... maybe needs? of my heart... I had been... lacking intimacy... in my life... for a long time... I used to use the internet... as a vent... a venue to find others with whom I would interact with socially and sexually... but... in the begining of all this... there was alot of personal shame and/or guilt in what I was doing... I have NEVER... slept with another woman... however... i would dare say I have done worse... and had affairs of the heart... It was discovered by my wife that at one point I was being sexually intimate with another woman online... and to my regret and shame... it was a woman that did not know that I was married... I had often seduced women online for a... taste... of intimacy.. and sexual attraction... only in the end to feel... regret and empty... for true intimacy can not be built on lies... however... I came across a woman that I will simply call Z... I... do not fully understand what it was about her that... made me step outside the norm of my previous behavior... yet... there was... such... a depth of imediate and a powerfull attraction... that... I HAD... to tell her EVERYTHING... I spared... nothing of myself.. of my life.. my marriage... my family... and the truely amazing thing that occured... was that she... ACCEPTED... me... and in time.. through much much talking and sharing we... became close.. and admited our feelings for each other.. and even became sexually involved... the love that we have for each other... is simply... unconditional... open.. and freely given... and from the begining we... established.. the simple rules... of open honest communication... and that we share... EVERYTHING... it.. was/is glorious... with the only problem.. however... being ME... I could blame.. habit.. or simply... admit that.. I am a cheater... I am not looking for support or agreement from anyone... judge me as you will but the most cruel judge I know is myself... as much as I have come to love and adore this woman... I would still chat.. and flirt.. and socialize with other women online... at first.. I was.. reluctant.. to share this with Z... but in time.. and through.. a series of horrible mistakes... I have come to truely grasp the concept of being open about my activities... but... the end game... is that... now... through my... aimless bumbling.... there is.. something of a weak... very.. weak... triangle...
There is Z... myself.. and C.... Z... is bisexual... and through some joint discussion we were... wanting to explore a Threesome online... I... can not be intimate.. without my heart being in the mix.. without my heart developing attachments... so many times before.. the women that i had been with and ultimately had to leave due to my lies... my heart would ache.. but... in C... we have found.. a very... dear and close freind.. on Z's and my part... yet.. during a time where Z was away... I... wrongfully left it to C's impression that Z was okay that we could be intimate without her... again.. I am not claiming to be the... most wise or intellgent of men... however... C has come to love me deeply.. and I her... and yet... C respects.. and has continued to honor form the begining.. that Z and I were a couple.. a matched set.. and C has come to really value and appreciate Z in being understanding and open hearted about C's... interest and timid dabbling in bisexuality... At this point... we are still a triangle.. but through much discussion and talking amongst the three of us... It has come down.. these rules.. No sex.. without the other present or aware and in agreement.. and continual and open and honest discussion... Z is.. aware that I.. have a "fickle" heart.. and that I become.. very easily attached to others emotionally.. but yet.. my actions have strained our relationship.. and as a result... we have.. come to huddle close to each other.. and work on Us... Z and I... and in time... Z will be willing to share me with others... but till then I am exclusively hers.. and I have held to this... but i will admit.. that it has been difficult.. I still LOVE C... and I ache to be with her.. C and Z and I all still talk and hang out together... yet.. in the times when Z is.. away or unavailable.. I get.. anxious.. I start.. to CRAVE... yearn for the intimacy that is absent... and C is here... but.. out of love for her.. and for Z... I can not go there.. and C is aware of my aching for her.. not just for the sake of Z's absences but just simply for C herself... but she loves BOTH Z and I.. and is not willing to risk hurting our relationship.. which I understand.. and respect.. and damn it all to hell but love her more for! okay... i will put an end to this thread for now.. as its.. really run away from me.. and i am sure it will be... confusing as hell... for that i am sorry... I do not claim to be.. proud of much of my actions.. but i have learned... much... everso much... thank you for your patience in reading this if you made it this far... i am.. certain that i will have to clarify much of this... and i am willing... but.. yeah.. this is.. where i stand at this particular point in my life..

NeonKaos 06-24-2009 06:27 PM

I'm sorry, but your posts are impossible to read with all the ellipses and incomplete sentences and no paragraph breaks.

One of the great things about this medium of communication is that we can get our thoughts down however it takes to do so, then go back and edit for coherence.

Just my two cents.

Mark1npt 06-24-2009 08:09 PM

So with these other women and your "aching" on the side...what are you gonna do with the little misses?...and ditto what Ygirl said.

LethalTender 06-25-2009 06:36 PM

Do not let me edit your work!
I do so apologise for the rambling and horrible penmanship of my posting. THREE TIMES I have tried to edit it only to have my work disapear as it seems that the time taken to edit it would cause me to be logged out of the forum. I had tried to copy past but at one point I slipped and hit the back naviagte button on my laptop and lost all the editing I had atempted again. Rest assured that I will tackle this beast of a mess again. But due to my current frustration with it, it will be tackled later.

foxflame88 06-25-2009 06:51 PM

I too had difficulty following, but I understand enough that you have quite the complicated situation. (I can soooo relate.) I hope you can find a solution you are comfortable with, both in your heart and mind.

LethalTender 06-25-2009 07:05 PM

An answer.

Originally Posted by Mark1npt (Post 2160)
So with these other women and your "aching" on the side...what are you gonna do with the little misses?...and ditto what Ygirl said.

In truth, I am not certain what I am to do with my wife. As of the moment I am deployed overseas, and I keep in touch with my family via the internet. I have made my bed, and I must sleep in it. This is a mess of my own making and I am not about to claim any pride in it.

I do care deeply for my wife. And her health is a big concern for me. And I am gratefull for the nature of the benefits that my chosen profesion provide for my family. I admit to having been tempted with separating from my wife, however as the saying goes, "things are seldom as simple as they sound". I do love my wife. And dispite the fact that I have failed to find a way to bridge this gap of distance between us, I do my damnedest to support her as best as I can.

However, I know that it is not fair to her, and that as much as I can be a good provider, there are aspects of her needs that I have yet to (and to my shame fear I will never) be able to apease. My wife is unaware of my cheating. And I call it that, for as much as I hope to redefine it to an aspect of being poly, that will matter little to her should she discover it. My wife has suffered long from self esteem issues and personal insecurities. And I do take much of the blame for this. Being unable to be as emotionally available to her as she needs, only fosters this.

However, should I ever decide to leave, there is only so much support that I could provide for her in a divorce. My wife due to her physical problems can not work. And we have atempted to apply for disability for her but that has not panned out. In good consience I am unwilling to separate from her and leave her stranded. YES my wife does have family, however they are ill equiped to properly support her.

I do LOVE my wife! But its not the nature of love that a husband should have. My wife is a good freind and someone for whom my love will allways be there for. Yet the intimate love that I am lacking in my life, has never come. Much to my regret, shame and dismay. As I had mentioned before, out of my care for her I married her to make her happy. Foolishly thinking that would be enough. But I have never truely loved her or desired her as a lover should.

So what am I to do? I am not sure. I have been married for eight years. My most fervent hope, is that I could talk to my wife about my feelings. And pray that she is not devastated. I have atempted to in the past but the sheer depth of distress that was displayed by my wife has since given me pause.

I have been in my online relationship with Z for nearly a year. And with C for close to four months. What is to happen when this deployment ends and I return home? Good question. And I hate repeating myself from lack of a clear answer but, I am not certain what will become of us all. Am I just a simple shelfish bastard? A cheating husband? Possibly so. Or is there something somewhat redeamable in me? Time reveals all things. I fear so much the pain that I will cause my wife to finally give her the truth of my actions and my feelings. And yet.. to face the risk of loosing touch with Z and C makes me feel... physically ILL.

Mark1npt 06-25-2009 09:58 PM

You certainly are in a jam!....there are so many issues at work here. I've noted from my patients on disability, that there are often deep psychological reasons for their disability, moreso than their actual physical problems. It could be your wife has known for years or has been troubled for years by your lack of a "whole" loving marriage. This trouble may be reflected in her physical disability.

As far as C and Z go, who wouldn't want to have two dynamite lovers in their life? All of us have had a little of the "grass is always greener" thing. Sometimes it looks so very green......

Do you thnk your wife, who you love, would go for the poly life with these two other women?

LethalTender 06-26-2009 04:42 AM

The best possible outcome that I fantasize and dream about. Is that I should talk with my wife, and open up to her about all my feelings and my thoughts on our marriage and our lives. And the end result being that she came to the decision that she was willing to accept my inclinations and be willing to allow for the presence of others in my life.. in my heart.. and hopefully even in hers!

But my wife, for all that I can determine is devoutly monogamous. She, puts me to shame with the level of devotion she has shown me all these years. I have.. NEVER questioned the love that my wife gives me. And at times it can feel like a burden to me. As I can not truely reciprocate.

She deserves so much more that what I can provide. And at times I have found myself, wishing and hoping that she would stray. That she would find someone else who could love her fully and as completely as she needed.

THAT would be the most ideal of situations in my mind. That we could remain together for the depth of the friendship that we have, and yet each be willing to let the other have those needed connections in life to enrichen our hearts and souls.

As far as Z and C go, my wife is most definitively straight. And I fear that she is decidedly mono as well. My worst fear is that should I open up about everything, that it would end up in a divorce. A divorce that would be a grueling and painfull process for her, myself, our children.. and for Z and C. They both know I am married and are aware of the nature of its intricacies.

Ultimately I have been, slowly gearing myself up for a long talk with my wife come the time that I should return home. I have, been praying and seeking guidance for some time on what It is that I should say, or COULD say to break this matter to her in the least painfull way possible.

As for as much as I know. The nature of the love that I have for my wife and Z and C. I honestly do not know I could bear to live without any of them. And yet in the end if I had to let one or more go I would. For at times life will yeild results beyond our power to influence or control.

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