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-   -   I think I am poly? Please I need help! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4099)

livsen 10-30-2010 05:45 PM

I think I am poly? Please I need help!
Hi everyone.
Oh gee, Im afraid this could be a long thread, so please bear with me.
I`ve been in a great relationship with my boyfriend for 4 years now - we own our own house, have no kids and love eachother to death.
Hes actually much more sexual than me and often I feel quite bad because I feel I cant give him everything he deserves - sexually!! I got sick last year and have basically been bedbound every since with a lot of pain and exhaustion. This has made our relationship much stronger though and we are both 100% sure that we are meant to be together or life.
I dont enjoy sex very much because I have a lot of pain and that makes me SO sad - on his and my behalf.
I have always had a lust for other men, when I have been in a relationship but never persued it as I`m against being unfaithfull. I still have the fantasies and now I`m thinking of introducing my boyfriend to the idea. Both because I think in this way his sexual needs would be met (and I would love that) and he could have sex with an other girl.
I would like to try to be with an other man but not in a relationship-kind of way. Just for the sex and, perhaps, the cuddle. And only with the same person one time - not several.
I truly love my boyfriend to death and couldnt see myself with an other person. He feels the same way as me, he says!!
Do any of you have some tips how to bring up the subject?
Its driving me crazy and I think about "trying" an other man every day.
These past days, weve talked about sex and I told him that I would be ok with the fact that he would have sex with an other girl. It made him very happy I think but also took him by surprise.
Am I poly and what can I do before I go nuts?
Thank you so much!!

eklctc 10-30-2010 06:32 PM

In my opinion, it is not a polyamorous relationship either of you should consider since you have made it a point to emphasis that the issue is solely 'sexual' and you are not interested in other men 'relationshipwise'. It seems that you two need to consider either an open, committed relationship, a committed relationship with extended boundaries, or swinging.

Sex is a part of a poly relationship but it doesn't have to be and it is not the main part of a poly relationship so I think you should pursue avenues that are about sex solely.

Good luck!

livsen 10-30-2010 06:47 PM

Thank you so much for the reply. I might be a retard, but what exactly is the difference between an "open relationship" and polyamory?:)

eklctc 10-30-2010 07:00 PM

In my experience, an open relationship is where you have established a serious, emotionally-connected relationship with someone but other romantic/sexual relationships are allowed that usually involve the partners individually. A polyamorous relationship involves multiple serious, emotionally-connected relationships that involve honesty and clear communication, involve complete disclosure, and may involve one or both partners.

livsen 10-30-2010 07:29 PM

All right. That makes sense!! So at this point I can tell that I`m not a poly.
At this point I`m just scared that my fantasy will scare my boyfriend away. Hes from a traditional family and I`m not sure if hes open to the idea. Do you by any chance, know a good way to introduce this kind of lifestyle to a partner?
I`m so new in all of this but at the age of 32 its about time I have the guts to live out some of my dreams:p

SNeacail 10-30-2010 07:31 PM


Originally Posted by livsen (Post 50846)
Thank you so much for the reply. I might be a retard, but what exactly is the difference between an "open relationship" and polyamory?:)

In my opinion, a full emotional investment.

eklctc 10-30-2010 07:38 PM

The best way to introduce anything into a relationship is to bring it up (best to show that you have done some research and can verbalize the possible pros and cons from your viewpoint), give your partner time to absorb it and reflect on it, then discuss again in-depth (and again and again and again possibly) and go from there.

livsen 10-30-2010 07:55 PM

I very much appreciate your response, so thank you for that!
I have a sister who is lesbian and to me, it seems as if this is more "acceptable" than being in an open/ polyamory relationship.
I guess deep inside, we are scared of loosing the ones we love but as I see it: if it would benefit my boyfriend/ make him happy by being with another woman (just sex), it would also make me very happy. As long as I know, that in the end of the day, he wants to spend his life with me - and vice versa.
Am I weird?:confused:

redpepper 10-30-2010 10:56 PM


Originally Posted by livsen (Post 50846)
Thank you so much for the reply. I might be a retard, but what exactly is the difference between an "open relationship" and polyamory?:)

Are you retarded... in that, do you have a developmental disability? Do you live in Canada, because there are some resources out there for you. I work with people that have cognative/develpomental disabilities for a living and sexuality and relationships amongst that population is a great passion of mine. One that is so under examined and under ground. There is so much work to do! It's actually a new career path I have considered.

Everyone seems to of said it all so far, I agree that you seem to be seeking an open relationship, although I would warn you that emotions and depth develop for some people and it might be wise to check in with yourself and your boyfriend where you are at with that sort of thing. Some people can do sport sex and come away having felt like they went for a jog. Others feel like they reached the depths for someones soul and still others feel like they have been used because sex for them is about connecting very deeply. Check in with yourself and along with your opening up the idea of others, make sure that is a part of the conversation and plan what you will do if you find that you are falling in love.

Tonberry 10-31-2010 01:41 AM

@redpepper, I think livsen meant it as an expression, although I guess there is no harm in asking.

@livsen, maybe you could read some books about it and suggest them to him? "Opening Up" and "The Ethical Slut" are mentioned often and they deal with various types of non-monogamy as I understand. It could also help you figure out which would be the most appropriate for you specifically.

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