Here lies my space of manifestation where I will share all sorts of things.
As of mid-November 2010, I will have lived in Denver, CO for two years after taking a promotion with my company and relocating from Atlanta, GA. From September 2008 through June-July of 2010, I was on an unwanted sexual hiatus (excluding the one dick I sucked in the summer of 2009). Of course, I could have taken advantage of plenty of opportunities to have miscellaneous sex with various people, and did browse around for potentials; however, I just didn't due to bad vibes, pondering possibilities (mainly neutral and negative), not wanting to prep myself for sexual interaction, etc.
So, I was reintroduced to regular sexual activity once I began my current relationship (involved with married couple). Early on, my male partner and I agreed on a regularly scheduled program where we spend time together two days a week minimum. We don't always have sex both of those times but we normally have some type of sexual interaction. I've made it a point to have sexual interaction and sex both visits, moreso, now. From week to week, we can take advantage of other opportunities to see each other and/or have sex.
My female partner and I do not get to have regular sexual interaction. I would say that we have sex (either just us two or all three of us) approximately twice a month. We do get to see each other/interact more than twice a month though. I have suggested that she and I identify at least one day during the week where we can spend a few hours together as I have with my male partner. She agreed but we have yet to decide on the day and time and work it into our schedules.
I like to say that I have a moderate to high sex drive; however, my moderate is 4-5 days of sex at a minimum. Obviously, my high would be daily to possibly include more than one session a day. Both of my partners state their sex drives are moderate with their moderate maximum at 2-4 times a week. We all understand that those numbers don't add up which is okay since we are open and that gap can be filled elsewhere.
Now, that the foundation is laid, here is the meat of the story. I would love to have more sex with my partners and they are open to having more sex but I have an issue with disturbing them on the days I deem as their 'quality time' days and I have an issue with asking for things in general but, especially, sex. I've never had to ask for sex because I've always dated multiple people and I've always had people in my life whose sole purpose was to be sexually available. Plus, people would contact me for sex so I never had a need to contact them (I've been a participant in the adult/swinging lifestyle since I was a teen so that is why sex has always been so readily available to me).
I know it also has a lot to do with being vulnerable and seeming 'needy'. I have been on my own since my teens and have prided myself on my independence, strength, and self-sufficiency so it is hard to basically say, "I need you. Can I please have you?" outside of the time I'm already allotted. Additionally, I feel bad considering interrupting the couples time together simply because I'm a fucknut, even though, most times they are not even together (which I am unaware of at the time).
I would rather hook up at the adult club and have meaningless, protected sex with someone I have no plans in seeing again than to interrupt them. Especially, if I cannot revel in the moment with my partners. I mean, if my partners are busy, I can call them for a quickie and then carry on with my day but, the issue with that is, when I'm with him/her the last thing I want is a quickie at that point.
I know what I have to do. I have to work on allowing myself to make them aware of my sexual need when they arise AND I need to stop being so considerate of everyone's needs and try to put my own first sometimes.
We had a small snafu because, on one of these occasions, I went and had sex with a guy without checking to see if my partners were available beforehand. Now, before I get jumped on, let me explain. Late in the week, we had all discussed the weekend and they both were going to be busy (she was working all weekend and he was working and continuing a home improvement project with his dad). Additionally, my female partner and I had talked and she had indicated that the minimum deadline of no sex she had requested of our male partner (she was in the post-miscarriage healing phase) was that particular weekend so I presumed that she would be taking care of him sexually and they would be spending whatever free time they managed together since it was a busy weekend anyway. At that point, I had already began making plans to entertain myself since they would be preoccupied and we did not discuss getting together. Well, Saturday came, we all did make contact with each other and they were both still occupied so I recruited someone to play with. No changes in plans were shared with me so as I prepared to go play and contact my partners to give them detailed information about the guy, location, and time frame, it dawned on me that I could have asked them if they would have time and were interested in playing with me that evening but, trying to be considerate, I didn't even considerate it :D prior to the point of calling them. So, upon contacting them, my first statement was something to the effect of 'I may have gone about this the wrong way but since it's already in progress, we can discuss how we would like to handle these situations going forward at a later date'. Then I proceeded to let them know where I was going and how long I would be there. Well, it ended up being a much bigger deal than I thought it would be and landed me in 'outside sex restriction'. My restriction has recently ended but their (his) main point was he would prefer that I check with them about their desire/availability first before pursuing outside sex. That's understandable but, uh, I'm going to have to work on that.
Anywho ... what is baffling to me is that I have gone almost two years without sex and, though that wasn't my goal, it wasn't a big deal. Now, that I am getting sex, it's a struggle for me to go one full day without sex. lol... I don't know if I hit a sexual surge/peak through my hiatus and have just become aware of it because I am active or what.
Today in My World 103110
I found out last night that my female partner is not 'as' physically attracted to me and would prefer to exclude the sexual aspects of our relationship. That's all fine and well but I'm definitely irritated.
I am mainly irritated because there has been a lack of honest communication from her/him to me for who knows how long because I didn't ask how long she has felt this way. I feel lead on because I have been allowed to waste my time, energy, and effort working towards building a relationship with her when, at no time, has either of them hinted to this revelation. We have had solo and group sex sessions throughout and she has consistently made statements to me that contradict her true viewpoint.
This all began when I set out to have a discussion about the type of relationship we were developing and the direction of that relationship because I Was feeling some dissention on her part, due to a lack of time and effort invested, and lack of cohesion between all three of us during our group time. It all made sense once she dropped that bomb because all of the things I had concerns about fell into the nutshell labeled, 'She's Not That Into You'. All of my concerns cancelled out.
One thing that we did discuss as a concern that still eats at me is our discussion about her time constraints. She told me that I sounded just like our male partner when I brought up her lack of effort in making time for us/me. To me, she was on the defensive throughout the conversation and would say things like, 'I know that's hard for you to understand' or 'You may think this is harsh', etc. I can understand why, especially, dealing with time management because she has had to have the conversation throughout the ten years they have been together. Now, she is a married woman with no children or other outside responsibilities (i.e. volunteering, school, etc) with a husband who pretty much takes care of the domestic aspects of the house who works 1-1/2 jobs (one full-time all week & one part-time 4 days a week) so, as time has progressed, I must admit that I am have grown less and less sympathetic to referring to her schedule as a crutch. I'm not insensitive to time constraints but I do know, from experience, that time can be managed in a more effective way, especially, in her case. I am a woman who has lived at least half of my life working with a smidgen of time to maneuver on a daily basis. For half of my life, I have worked more than one job and went to/took classes full-time, all while managing to take care of 2-3 people, at any given time, excluding myself, making sure that everyone gets to care, school, practices, appointments, gatherings, work and making sure they have a hot meal at home, a clean house, clean clothes, quality time, etc. Throughout all of that, I still managed to squeeze in socializing and volunteering. SO...being that she is someone who only has herself to look after, her time issues are minimal to me and over exaggerated. Alas, that is neither here nor there now since her time constraints are no longer my concern.
Anywho... so now my male partner and I are left to think about if we can continue our relationship successfully in this manner since that was not the desire going in. *sigh*
I feel like you have been 'toning it down' when talking about the situation. This is a great place for you to let all your cares out! Tell me how you really feel!!!
@Daylight- No tone downs at all. Since I originally posted the situation in New to Polyamory, I am making it a point to not talk about the same aspects of it in my life story/blog. I don't like repeating myself and I'm sure the people who are keeping up don't want to hear the same story in both sections. :) Additionally, it's really all about perspective. I have been expressing my initial feelings but I am moving into a different place with the entire ordeal. I tend to do that since I seem to process things pretty differently than many. I pull from my meditation, intuition, and self reflection because I know that every emotion truly is an inner reaction of self so I really work on identifying what is at the core of the emotions I feel. That's where I am right now. Thanks for stopping by.
Where I am Today
My male partner did not contact me at all last night. He usually texts me around the time his wife heads off to her part-time, night job. I began pondering what new revelations there have been at this point.
We were awaiting a decision about her continued employment with her night job since she received a reprimand last week due to her venting about a frustrating client within earshot of a higher supervisor so maybe she did get terminated OR maybe they found some time to discuss this situation and his options and he is reflecting on it or dreading sharing the outcome with me OR it could be something else entirely.
Between last night and this morning I had a...I guess I'll call it a vision since I wasn't asleep when it popped into my third eye... It was an image of blood between a women's thighs and, in the next scene, the lower half of a little one still in diapers, walking. Now, I don't claim to be prophetic just intuitive but the timing, with my male partner being M.I.A last night and she and I both being in the time of our menstruals this week, is curious. I had another 'something' (let's say feeling cause it wasn't really a vision) that felt of 'baby' this morning so it makes me wonder if they have succeeded in impregnating her.
Tonight is one of our (he & I) regular nights to see each other but I don't know if that is still the plan. If I don't talk to him by 3p, I'll text him and find out.
As I was riding the lightrail into work this morning, something else of use popped into my mind- one of the agreements from the four agreements explained in The Four Agreements by Shamanic teacher/healer Don Miguel Ruiz. The concept of this book follows this belief:
"Everything we do is based on agreements we have made - agreements with ourselves, with other people, with God, with life. But the most important agreements are the ones we make with ourselves. In these agreements we tell ourselves who we are, how to behave, what is possible, what is impossible. One single agreement is not such a problem, but we have many agreements that come from fear, deplete our energy, and diminish our self-worth."
The four agreements are: Be impeccable with your word; Don't take anything personally; Don't make assumptions; Always do your best.
Don't take anything personally... Don't take anything personally...
This agreement found its way to the surface this morning and just reverberated through my mind. I very rarely take anything personally because I do believe that more times than not it isn't personal though it may come in the form of a personal attack and your verbal/physical/emotional reaction to any given situation is all based on your perspective. I've put in a lot of work to broaden mine so that I am more proactive than reactive lessening any internalization I may experience. With that said, I realize that the issues my female partner is experiencing have nothing to do with me. Unfortunately, I have to suffer the effect of her ordeal but I am not responsible for anything she is currently enduring. Once I accepted that, the emotional reaction I have been battling with decreased substantially. There is still some residue, though, of the pain that was caused unnecessarily but I am working through it. I haven't fully pulled back all the layers of my emotional reaction to identify what is lingering at the core of them within me but I do know that a lot of it has to do with opening myself up to others, thereby, allowing myself to become vulnerable. I struggle with allowing others in so to have managed to do that just to be hurt...
Still Up in the Air
My male partner and I had our regularly scheduled quality time last night. Prior to me going over there, we texted a couple of times during the day and I asked if the plans for the night were still the same. He responded asking me why wouldn't they be. I responded telling him there Are reasons why they wouldn't be but, since I didn't hear back from him last night, I didn't know what the deal was so felt it best to double check.
I took myself to see a movie yesterday evening so, once I checked my phone, I saw I had received a text from him telling me he was tired so he didn't know if I still wanted to come over as usually but shorten the length of the visit or come over on Saturday so we could continue our discussion. I called and asked what he wanted me to do but, of course, he put it back on me. :)... I went anyway and gave him a massage for about an hour. We didn't continue our discussion about our relationship and the changes but I'm okay with that. I know he is still thinking and I'm sure he has yet to talk to his wife in detail about it due to her work schedule during the first half of each week. It's pretty tight.
I must admit that I am missing the sexual intimacy. We haven't been together since 10/24 since I travel for work periodically and was in Milwaukee from 10/25 through 10/30. The night of 10/30 is when I went over so that all three of us can talk and that is when the relationship changed and, with it now being up in the air, I am protecting myself. I don't want to be with him just to be told a few days later that it's over or we are going to cease those interactions. It'll be much harder for me to deal with emotionally (it's still going to be hard anyway) if we are actively having sex now versus the almost two week period, and growing, of no sex we are nearing.
We have plenty of physical intimacy, though, so I am just savoring those moments for the time being.
She & I
This week, my male partner's wife has managed to text me on three separate days. ***** Didn't she just say she didn't have the time and/or ability for such communication? WTF!
Then, after I don't respond to the texts she sent on Friday, she texts me on Saturday to ask if my phone was working or did I not want to text. ***** Not only are you initiating more texts in a week, you also expect a timely response, though, I didn't always get the same courtesy when the tables were turned?
Suffice it to say, I was a bit confused so I responded to her, basically, expressing that it was puzzling to me that she could now find the time to do what she couldn't do when it counted and I needed to know what she wanted from me.
She stated that she thought she was clear in expressing that she wanted to be friends which, for her, means that we would continue to talk and hang out socially. She asked me what friendship meant to me and I told her, for me, it meant honesty and trust and I don't feel that she has been completely honest with me throughout this relationship regarding her true feelings. I also inquired as to how she planned on developing a friendship with me when she just made it clear that she didn't have time to put forth in effort in developing any relationship.
She explained that she tried to give the relationship an opportunity to develop despite the lack of attraction.
Okay...so That indicates to me that she did know from the beginning that she was not attracted to me (physically as she stated) yet that is not what she said after our first meeting when we were all texting and specifically asked each other if we were attracted to one another. We all agree that we were. That is when she should have said she was not really physically attracted to me but she was willing to get to know me and see what happens. I would have approached the relationship completely different, since I do not develop my friendships the same way I develop my companionships, AND we would have never had sex. Why give myself to someone who doesn't find me physically appealing? Anywho, even though friendship is a component of companionship, we know in many nonplatonic relationships, if a friendship doesn't already exist, it is not the foremost relationship that develops. So, when changing the nature of a nonplatonic relationship to a platonic one, you don't always have the foundation to land on a friendship. Additionally, everyone develops friendships differently just like everything else. It is not easy to become my 'friend'. It takes a long time to build a friendship with me because my friendships are based on honesty and trust which builds respect and loyalty. Well, I don't trust easily either so you can see where that may delay development. I think my companionships are based off of love and communication which build trust and respect. Did that make sense? *shrugs*
She also brought up her time constraints again and felt I should acknowledge that I have an issue with them. Well, I have acknowledged my lack of sympathy of her time constraints. I just haven't done so with her because we've never sat down to discuss it in detail, she's never asked me my thoughts, and I haven't made it a point to bring it up to her because I know it is such a touchy subject since it is something that is regularly revisited between her and her husband so I didn't feel the need to poke at an open wound. I think I have previously expressed on her my views of her time constraints. If not, it was on my Not Feeling the Connectivity post in New to Polyamory but I'm sure I'll recap here as I work through this.
Anyway...there was much more to the conversation than what I have listed but I don't feel like typing it all out. After she sent me a 13 text response, I did start to reply but, once seeing the response would consist of just as many texts, I decided to just tell her that I was not going to send her a 20 text response. I told her if she wanted to talk about it, whenver time allows, we can but, at this point, though there are contradictions, I don't have any issues with her. I told her that I just expected more of the same (irregular and minimal communication with her) since I didn't know where anything stood anymore and I am still awaiting a final decision from my male partner.
Resume the Position
The wait is finally over. After a week of limbo and a weekend of emotional distress, Monday evening greeted me with my retained girlfriend status, in its current capacity, and left me with the intimacy I have been yearning for for two weeks as this situation played out. (Refer to Not Feeling the Connectivity in the New to Polyamory section if you're lost)
There are still things to ponder, and we don't know where the relationship will end up, but we do know that we love each other and, throughout this ordeal, nothing has changed in our relationship as far as how we feel and our interaction with each other. It is the future that concerns us.
I am at ease for now. I know that the future is uncertain and, the existence of a solely platonic relationship with his wife, brings the search for other opportunities for them to connect with other potential mates who may be more suited for the triad she desires. Well, really, I don't even know if she desires a triad so that is something I'll have to ask her whenever we hang out. I know this poly pursuit has been more for his benefit than hers because she has had boyfriends/partners on the side who were not involved or acquainted with her husband.
I received an intuitive tarot reading two weekends ago and, during that reading, the intuitive told me that the relationship will dissolve at some point based on the energy surrounding it now. I shared this with my male partner which he brought up last night. He was stating that he, too, feels that the relationship will dissipate over time but he isn't sure why he feels that way and he isn't sure how he feels about that thought. He did state that, even before this point, he felt some subtle tension between his wife and I and he isn't sure where it's coming from but, because of this, he has had this feeling about the ultimate outcome of the relationship.
We can only wait and see what the Universe has in store and, in the meantime, live in the moment.
Ah, eklctc. I'm glad that the current situation has resolved itself.
The future is a hard thing. I struggle with a few future concerns with my boyfriend, and find myself ranging anywhere from calmly and detachedly accepting it will end, all the way to thinking about how/if a move could work.
*sigh* At my best, I'm living in the moment and enjoying what we have now and for the next several months at least.
I hope you can find that peace.
My Crazy Week
After my heart was eased on Monday, Tuesday was a good day. Wednesday was a good day but I was a little disappointed in myself Wednesday evening when I let the minglings of my evening spill over into my quality time with my love. The time was still well spent though and we got in plenty of "quality".:D
Then comes Thursday and it's hectic character. I spent most of the day in a conference call which resulted in me (and two other coworkers) spending some more time of that day booking flights, hotels, and rental cars for business travel starting November 14th all the way through December 4th. Ugh* This means, now that I have had two days of great quality time with V, after a week of reflection, emotional distress, and anxiety, I'm due to miss out on spending time with him for three weeks.:(
He did offer to take me to the airport on Sunday so that we could at least see each other before I left but ... I know he is going to have a late Saturday night so ... I declined as to not infringe on his sleep. It would be too much of a teaser for me anyway ... seeing him briefly and not being able to have him, knowing I'll be gone for a while. Guess I'll have to make sure to pack one of my toys.:p
Friday greeted me with more of the same, hence the reason, I am still at work at 733p (mtn). These changes have also stolen my Saturday since I will be spending it in the office preparing myself for my trip to Milwaukee on Sunday. I do look forward to going to Milwaukee since I can visit with the friends I missed seeing during my visit last month but I don't look forward to going to Milwaukee because the project I am going to try to clean-up is horrendous and the staff isn't all that helpful. Oh well, I am going to spend tomorrow putting together the work itinerary for the staff to follow and hope all goes well.
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