First Relationship... Ever
Alright, so second time typing this out because stupid.
So, I've never been in a relationship before, and I was asked by a friend, an older man, to join him and his wife in a polyamorous one. He's hot, she's beautiful, and I liked them both to begin with, so why not? When we spend time together, it sort of feels like we're in this sort of relationship anyway. They agree with me and say we all click. They feel like the next step for my life, and I... well, I love them. I can't even remember that last time I've felt 'love' or this sort of contentment in a long time, or ever, and I'm addicted. I wan't more, which makes me want to push the relationship further, but it's only been about a month!
I know I want this to move too quickly. But I can't help it! I just want all of us to be happy and comfortable with each other and in love! But they've been in a relationship for so long, it's gonna take me a long time to get in with them. Even knowing this, I can't help pushing them, but at the same time I don't want to because I want it to be natural and just flow. I also don't want to make them uncomfortable and push them away. I want them.
Well, I had more (and better) info typed up, but something dumb happened and it all got erased, but I guess that was about it. If anyone has anything to say, it would definitely help me feel better, just typing this (again) helped me out. Just post whatever. Or don't. I can't tell you what to do, it's a free country, sheesh.
Welcome to the forums. You say you've never been in a relationship, so I assume you mean a romantic relationship. And you're considering being a third in a polyamorus marriage? My gut instinct is to say "NO! Absolutely not! This is a bad idea. You need to discover what is important to you in a traditional relationship first before jumping into the crazy polyamorous waters."
But really, who am I to say this wouldn't work? People are all different. It's possible you and this couple would develop a beautiful triad and live together in blissful harmomy for decades.
One thing that's for sure: Don't make things tougher than they need to be by pushing them - by demanding more of their time than they feel like giving at the moment. You guys will HAVE to communicate very honestly and openly about everyone's intentions to prevent any hurt feelings. Let them come to you. It's OK to voice your wants, but be receptive to the fact that they are inviting you into their lives. If you push for too much, too soon, you'll lose them both. Err on the side of seeing them less rather than more. Enjoy the good times, and try not to hang on to expectations of the future.
Wow, you've got some stones jumping into this right off the bat. Mad respect.
Firstly - congratulations!
Secondly - slow down!
So, this is your first ever relationship? Have you heard of NRE? You can Google it, or search on here, through the forum. It means New Relationship Energy. It's that buzz that most people feel (whether monogamous or poly) when they meet someone they click with. It can last anything from around 2 months to even a year or two. I've found that, for me, it lasts about 3 months with those I haven't fallen in love with and about 6 months with those I am in love with.
It's that can't stop thinking about them, would change my life for them, would spend the rest of my days with them, want to talk to them every minute and see them every day warm fuzziness. It's that can't wait to tear each other's clothes off new lust.
There are a couple of important things to bear in mind:
1. Most importantly - have you guys sat down and defined roles? Are you their sex partner, their secondary, a potential joint primary? Are they open to love and emotion, or do they just want something physical? How do they want things to go now and what would they consider in the future?
How does this look in reality? Asking things like "what am I to you? what are the boundaries and guidelines?" Outlining how often you're planning to see each other. Once a week? Twice a week? More?
2. Don't push. Nothing kills something beautiful like pushing.
How does this look in reality? Agreeing on a schedule and sticking to it. Them not breaking promises or cancelling without good reason. You not pouting or persuading if they are meeting the agreement, but you want more. Don't accept "we'll see you whenever we feel like it; let's keep it spontaneous" if you're not happy with it.
I have a technique I use when I am falling for someone and don't want to overwhelm them. I call this The 2:1 technique:
Whoever has made the first move two times in a row steps back and lets the other party make the third.
For example, I send the first good morning texts two times in a row? I wait for them to send the next one. I suggest going on an actual date, two times in a row? I let them suggest the next one.
In an ideal world, everything would be equal. But it rarely is. This works brilliantly for me, because it stops me getting carried away - and it also stops me playing games or appearing too aloof. I dated a girl last year who was always the first to text, always suggested the dates, always wanted to talk more and never really gave me a chance to chase. I hate to say this, but her eager availability initially made me see her as part of the furniture, took away the excitement.. and after a few months, became very very claustrophobic for me.
So, if you find some sort of way of holding yourself back, whilst still showing an interest, you should find some sort of balance and ensure that you aren't being to pushy, or being taken for granted.
3. Don't expect to be thought of as each of them are. i.e. you won't be at wife or husband's level right away, if ever. My girlfriend has a husband and when we met, she wasn't looking for a second primary. After about 6 weeks, we fell in love. After 6 months, we started dating regularly. After a year, she called me a joint primary. After two years she says she feels equal love and commitment, wants to give equal time and attention, to each of us. Summary: one month in, I was outside of their marriage - two years in, I am a part of their marriage. We have constantly talked about our roles and I did not assume that I was anything like a girlfriend to my partner, until she actually started using the word. When she did, we discussed it and agreed on it. It's important to know where you stand.
I hope some of this helps!
Can you give a little more information about yourself, Newmind? How old are you? Why have you never been in a relationship before?
What is your living situation, job situation, general life situation? How do you feel about yourself--happy, confident, etc? What issues do you struggle with? What is your social life like? What is your relationship with your family like?
How did you meet the married couple, and how much older than you are they?
I ask these questions because there is a tendency for married couples seeking a "third" to choose a relatively inexperienced young woman (circa age 21) and to take a somewhat controlling role in her life. The married couple often doesn't do it on purpose...yet somehow they never ask themselves, "Why not seek out an independent, experienced, awesomely confident 40-year-old woman to be our girlfriend, instead of a girl who doesn't know anything about relationships yet?"
However, that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with wanting to date a married couple. It could be a happy and fulfilling relationship for you.
(Actually, that should be "relationships" in the plural, because a triad is composed of each relationship separately: your relationship with the husband, your relationship with the wife, their relationship with each other, and the relationship between all three of you together).
Try to take things slowly. For example, don't move into their house with them--at least not until you've been dating a LONG time. Work on communicating and talking about everything.
Have fun and enjoy it, but don't neglect your outside life--your other friends and relationships, your career path, etc.
This is great advise, peeps. Alright, more info.
There aren't many in my town that are okay with this type of relationship (it's a small religious town in the middle of nowhere) and if our relationship became public, it probably wouldn't end well. My work, living, social life, and life situations are pretty stable; I'm doing better then most people my age. I'm nineteen, she's in her thirties and he's in his forties, but it's not like that. It's true, because of the town we're in there aren't many who are interested in this kind of relationship, but they wouldn't have asked me if they weren't interested first. We have talked about this.
Other thing's we have talked about are how it is necessary for us to all move in. They... alright, I know this is a big no-no, but they have a kid and another on the way. We need to find a place so the kids have room to grow and I can help them out more easily. The main reason they're looking for a third is to help them financially, and it's hard to do that if I have to pay rent and help them out. They don't really want me to help them until we're all living together, but they need it, so ya. We have to discuss this stuff further, but we are all comfortable with the idea.
We haven't really discussed roles yet, but I don't even think they know yet. They want us to grow and just see where I set in, which is what I want too.
I know that you'll read this and add everything up and think that it's a bad idea. or that it will be hard. I'm not saying it won't be hard, but none of us are the type to give up because it becomes "too difficult." We'll all work it out because it's what I want and they need. I say it like this because they've had some bad luck with this sort of relationship. They're not the type to reach out, they've only tried a few times, and they keep getting shut down or try it and they get betrayed. I'm not going to do this, but they'll take some time to actually allow themselves to let me in. I'm all right with this. I'm the same way.
Which is why I've never been in a relationship. I've never had a boyfriend, or girlfriend, I've never been involved romantically with anyone, nothing. It's because I've cared about people and it turned out I couldn't trust them. This has happened to me many times and I was scared to let myself get hurt, so I walled myself off. There hasn't been anyone in my life that I felt was worth the effort, or worthy for me to give myself to. I know what I would do for someone, and these are the only people I've ever met that I believe deserve what I have to offer.
Again, I know that probably sounds... I don't know. I understand it the way I mean it. You probably won't because you don't actually know me, but I'm writing this down for me, so I guess it doesn't matter. I'm not saying I don't appreciate your advise, but I'm probably going to ignore anything that I read that doesn't actually effect me, even if you think it does because of my situation.
Sorry if I sound like an ass! I'm not... normally. :P
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