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-   -   Need some advice (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4093)

Just 10-30-2010 05:16 AM

Need some advice
 
I'm totally new to polyamory, however very soon after meeting a poly woman I realized that all my previous relationships had failed because I had only ever modeled my behavior on monogamy. After some pretty intense sessions of introspection I knew I had been living a lie and I am confident I am poly but this leaves me with some fear. I feel afraid I will have trouble meeting other women who understand my desire to live as poly, I am afraid this lifestyle might stand in my way of having children in the future. How would I select which women I would father my children with if I was in a situation where more then one woman wanted children or if none of my women wanted my children and wanted them with other partners. I feel no jealousy but in biological matters some part of my animal brain would freak out.

I want so badly for my lady to be happy, very soon into the relationship but I am afraid I will come off as a doormat. I don't want her other relationships to fail because I know that would cause her pain. I'd be happy to support her emotionally if someone else hurt her, as I would want her to do the same for me but I don't want to be just a shoulder to cry on either.

sage 10-30-2010 07:33 AM

Hi and Welcome

I think there is no doubt that polyamory at the stage in life when you still want to secure resources and have children is a different undertaking than coming to it later in life when all that stuff is behind you. Many factors will come into play, not least of which is where you live. Is it an area where there is a visible polyamorous community?

Still if you think you are polyamorous I'm sure you wouldn't want to make yourself miserable being mono just to have children. My advice is to take things one current issue at a time and if it's meant to be things will fall into place at the appropriate time. Coming to grips with polyamory has its challenges for everyone. You will not gain anything by trying to deal with future issues now.

Keep reading and participating in this forum and you will learn how things work. Building a successful poly relationship requires communication, negotiation and compromise. This work done well should prevent anyone from being a "doormat".

Supporting a partner through pain caused by another relationship is tough as there is often little you can do and that's hard to cope with for some people, me included.

SourGirl 10-30-2010 08:43 AM

...Easy. Take a deep breath.

You have done well to go into such deep introspective thoughts about yourself. As good as it can be, to get 'real' about one`s self, when we do those things, sometimes we come out of it with even more questions, then we had going in.

You need to take things step-by-step & day-by-day. Do not worry about things over which you have no control in the here and now.

This doesn`t mean 'forgeting' about children. It means making sure you are open and honest with potential partners, that you do, indeed, want children. Right now, thats all that really needs to be known,...even to yourself.

Once you have the partner(s) you desire, you will then either have your questions answered just by knowing the people in your life, or, you will know specifically which questions need to be a addressed, and how to go from there.

For right now though, you are trying to answer questions in the present, that cannot be answered until you get 'there.'

Do yourself a favour and dont let your mind overwhelm you with the sometimes daunting road of polyamory. :) Keep it somewhat simple, and let things reveal themselves, as relationships take shape.

Good luck.

redpepper 10-30-2010 04:27 PM

Agreeing with SJ on this. Babies come when a relationship is solid and the moment is thought out... or should anyway... best case scenario. You don't have partners yet, I would think that would be a better place to start and then see how it goes. I suggest not going from 1km/hr to 100km/hr (miles if you wish). It's a good idea to keep a goal in mind, that is what life is about, but then let it go and see who comes into your life and what kind of relationship you have with them. Don't forget that they will be picking you too to have a baby with and actually, I just recently learned that women are the natural mate choosers of who's going to be their baby daddy. So there you go, you're off the hook :D :p (joking)

eklctc 10-30-2010 06:46 PM

I agree with everyone else. The most important thing is making your desires known from the beginning as to allow potential partners some insight into your goals and how they compare to their own. I have older children and do not plan on having anymore children of my own; however, I am open to being a surrogate for my female partner and a sister of mine if they prove unable to carry to term. My current partners, early on in the relationship, expressed their desire to have at least one child of their own (neither of them have any children) and wanted to know how I felt about that. I am all for accepting and embracing children of my mates and completely open to playing a role in their lives. My male partner asked me not too long ago what I would do if I ended up pregnant by him to which I responded...I would be pregnant. Of course, we knew this was hypothetical and just an opportunity to find out more about my character since I had a tubal after my last birth in 2000 but these things are important to know.

@redpepper- lol

Just 10-31-2010 04:24 AM

Yeah obviously I'm in no hurry I was just interested in how other people make it work, I'm only trying to structure my life goals realistically with my lifestyle. Thanks for the advice. By the way I don't think there is a polyamory community in my area but I feel like people where I live are very open to at least trying new relationship dynamics. I doubt very strongly I would face much social stigmatization in Australia.

sage 10-31-2010 04:47 AM

Re Australia, I wouldn't be too sure about that depends a lot on where you are, Byron Bay would be a good bet.:)

It's not so much stigma, more about non-acceptance, fear and ignorance I think. We're in NZ and they can't even keep a national poly forum going very well for lack of subscribers. The Australian one seems a bit more energized. Good luck

Ariakas 10-31-2010 02:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Just (Post 50887)
Yeah obviously I'm in no hurry I was just interested in how other people make it work, I'm only trying to structure my life goals realistically with my lifestyle. Thanks for the advice. By the way I don't think there is a polyamory community in my area but I feel like people where I live are very open to at least trying new relationship dynamics. I doubt very strongly I would face much social stigmatization in Australia.

I am friends with a lot of aussies, and they seem the most open to the idea of most cultures. Might be the natural open mindedness or sexual freedom of the ones I have met, but they don't gasp at the thought. Might just be a matter of starting some discussions with people :)

I know on fetlife (a fetish website) there are a number of poly aussies. So it isn't out of the question to find like minded people :)

unusuality 11-03-2010 12:42 AM

You know that saying "seek and ye shall find"? I know I'm new, but I'm sure everyone else agrees with me when I say this: Just keep moving forward with your goals. It will all unfold as you go. All you need to know is that your desires WILL be met, and those that will help make them a reality will come along. I wish you the best.

Lemondrop 11-06-2010 03:13 AM

The poly couple I knew who were poly before they had children, were a primary relationship. I didn't really discuss their relationship with them much, so I'm not sure how they handled who the father of their children would be, but I assume that she used birth control with other partners or didn't have other partners while they were trying to conceive. It does happen that sometimes poly people only have one relationship for a while. I do know that the husband always considered both children to be his absolutely, and he even talked about what they inherited from him, so he was pretty certain they had his DNA.


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