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-   -   We Found Him! Now what? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=40926)

kemperfish 02-19-2013 03:09 AM

We Found Him! Now what?
 
I am seeking advice, please. We are a M/F couple and my male partner is bisexual. We have been looking for a triad as that seems to make the most sense given our interests and time constraints (it is not feesable with our opposite schedules to try to date others alone at this point).
So, we search and search and talk and talk to a lot of people... when we were about to give up, there was D.
He's cute, nice, bisxual, understanding, compasionate etc etc... so we have gone out with him a couple times and he's still very likeable. Now, I am going on a date with him alone.
I have no idea how to do that... I have not been on a date, alone, with someone I wasn't really good friends with first. I believe I have first date jitters :) Our primary relationship is heading into NRE and that is great. I don't want to ruin it by being a bumbling idiot on a date becasue I don't know how to do that.
I realize this is a good thing, the nervousness, but can I get some dating advice from my poly peeps? Thanks so very much for reading and any advice you can provide.

kdt26417 02-19-2013 03:18 AM

Heh, getting advice from me would be like the blind leading the blind. I've been on enough dates to count on one hand, and that was back in the 80's.

Perhaps, don't think of it too much as a date. More just a meet-up with someone to get to know them better. Don't try to hard to impress. Be yourself.

Hopefully others besides me will also post! :) and ... congrats on finding such a great guy.

BreatheDeeply 02-19-2013 04:01 AM

Just remember it's not a blind date, you've already been out with him a few times, just not alone. But that really doesn't change too much. He's still the same as when the both of you went out with him.

If it's too stressful, pick an easier venue. Dinner and a movie maybe. Of even just coffee, that's pretty low stress. Just remember, no guy is going to write you off after a date even if you aren't as charming as you would like to be. And, because we still live in an old fashioned world, most likely there is more pressure on him to impress you then the other way around. You'll be fine.

.

NovemberRain 02-19-2013 04:04 AM

Be interested in him, focus on finding out who he is, what he's like, what he does with his life (inner life and outer life), what his stories are. If you focus on those kinds of things, you won't be focused on less useful stuff like 'what does he think of me.'

Then try to have fun! I assume you're going to do something that you're both interested in, like dinner, or some activity? That gives you many things to turn your focus on, rather than your nervousness. :D

UtahPolyCouple 02-19-2013 04:55 AM

Just be yourself and try not to think it over too much. Just relax and don't think about expectations. You are going out with him; just let it happen. Just relax. If it works, it works, and if it doesn't work then it doesn't.

If he knows who you both are and what you are looking for, then a lot of the traditional game playing should be out of the way. Just relax and get to know each other. Get to know him, and let him get to know you.

Helo 02-19-2013 05:41 AM

Try to land the tranq dart in his butt-area if you can. That way, if he runs, he'll pump the tranquilizer solution around his body faster and you wont have to chase him as far. Dont forget to tag him XD

But srsly, I have the same advice I give to everyone going on a date; cinnamon. Sprinkle a little in your shoes and your feet wont smell, shake the bottle and then squeeze it to get a blast of fine dust and aim that blast at your wet hair to infuse the scent without being gritty. It sounds demented but I promise you it works.

kemperfish 02-19-2013 05:01 PM

Thank you all so much!
 
Thank you all so very much for making me feel better about this date! It has been so long, I was nervous about what the heck to do. I am going to stick to getting to know him and not worrying about being self conscious. After all, there is really no reason to be. Come or go, I am still in love with any amazing partner who will be there to comfort me or laugh at me when I get home LOL....
Perhaps the tranquilizer should be administered prior to his arrival that way he will think everything I say is interesting LOL...

You guys are great! Thank you so so much.


Cinnamon???? Can we get a futher explanation? How do I know if he likes the smell of cinnamon? I am intrigued by the idea.

Helo 02-19-2013 06:27 PM

You're taking a bit of a chance but most people enjoy the scent of cinnamon. I've yet to find someone who got grossed out by it.

It just makes you smell good. The cinnamon in the shoes makes your shoes smell good so when you take them off, there's no bad smell. Beware, it WILL stain socks so I suggest using dark socks or no socks at all and you want to use a small amount and only rarely. Too much too often and it will cake inside the shoe.

With your hair, get it wet or do it right after you wash it the day you go out. Get a plastic bottle of cinnamon (cheap stuff works just fine) and shake it with the lid closed. Open the bottle and squeeze with it upright and you'll get a puff of very fine cinnamon dust, best to do it out of the small holes designed for sprinkling. Aim that towards your hair and the dust will settle in your hair and stick because of the water. Close the bottle and shake it again after a couple of squeezes to get more dust. It adds a subtle cinnamon scent to your hair without being gritty and wont damage your hair.

You can do it with any spice but cinnamon tends to be the easiest/cheapest because it's so finely ground. I've done it with allspice before and that worked out well once I ran it through a grinder to make it finer, it has to be roughly the same consistency as powered sugar for best results. You can put the actual spice in your hair but that tends to leave grit in your hair and while it does give a stronger scent, the grit is highly undesirable.

I've had people I've made out with comment very favorably on my smelling like cookies XD Its been very successful thus far and its one of my favored tricks when going on a date.

Vanilla extract is also useful but you have to be careful with it because its easy to make it overpowering and the alcohol in it can stain/damage clothing as well as burn skin like a motherfucker.

AnnabelMore 02-20-2013 02:16 AM

This may have some useful thoughts for you: http://www.morethantwo.com/coupledating.html

Best of luck!

kemperfish 02-20-2013 04:12 AM

I did it and I think it was successful
 
I went on the date. I did not get to use the cinnamon but I did use Vanilla body spray! I took everyone's advice and focused on getting to know each other and I did not feel self conscious. Thankfully, he is quite easy to talk to. I kept it simple and we went out for ice cream. I think this is going to go well now that I am over my initial "HOLY CRAP I DON"T KNOW HOW TO DATE" business.
Next alone date thursday. Everyone date on Saturday. Hopefully, it continues to go well. He is a very nice man. If not, I think we have made a new friend.

Thank you all so very much.
I am going to try the cinnamon on Thursday!!


Yay me, I dated successfully LOL


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