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-   -   confused (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4090)

diane 10-28-2010 12:36 PM

I carry the guilt of having betrayed A knowing well that she was married to S. I wish i never fell in love with S. Yes he is my Boss, and A is my friend, me and A are now closer than before, she is a warm and friendly person who ensures that everyone around her is ok. I felt comfortable with her right from the beginning, not knowing what was coming ahead. I could tell from S' actions, favours and stares that he liked me. I felt so uncomfortable but convinced myself that it was not true. He suggested that we get close after abt a month of working with them, i rejected with excuses of him being my boss and married. He was very kind, and he always ensured that i was ok, at all times, so i thanked God for the Boss and friend i had found and along the way, i developed feelings for him. i tried to fight it because this is the time he persisted more. I was confused because, my feelings for him were getting deeper but it felt so wrong for me to accept given the environment(My Boss) and his status (marriage). Now something strange happened, i had not accepted him, but i always got jelous whenever i saw them together with his wife. i told him i can not live i n a relationship whereby am a mistress because i would never be happy like that. He responded and said, he does not look at me as a mistress, but he kept saying that he felt so special when am around and when he is home, he feels like being with me, so the journey begins. He would text me very early in the morning, pick me up, go to work, and after work he still could text from the time we seperate to the time we fall asleep. i asked him to stop texting that much and at a certain moment i remember, he said he would not stop, because he felt lonely and he wanted to be with me in spirit. this went on for one whole month before he suggested that we meet somewhere cosy. Am sorry am giving all the details. I tried to dodge him till one day when i accepted to go out with him for a drink. we talked so much i recall, giving him my reasons as to why i cant be with him but during this time, dont know how it happened but we kissed passionately and that was the beginning of my depressing love life with S.all this time i felt i was not free, i felt guilty coz it was a life full of pretence, loneliness and fights. Why??, coz i was not contented happy but i loved him and so I kept dumping him atleast twice in a month but he never gave up. he kept pursuing me and promising me to be a little patient, and yes we made up again and again, coz i was always unhappy,and sad while we were apart and thats why i could easily accept him back. 6 months down the road, my life was totally depressed, imagine, i would ove to be with him after work but we just couldn't, remeber he was married, but atleast he could spare a few evenings or nights for me thought it was not enough for me. You will call me "selfish", i dont care but his assurance of the love he had for me kept me going and i felt i also had the right to be with him just like any lady would love to be with their men. I love A and i felt so bad whenever i imagined how hurt she would be when she found out about us, that feeling always pushed me away from S, it made me hate myself for having involved or gave in to my feelings for S. All this while i could consider myself being the other woman, but hell no, why would i settle for that kind of life, had a no of guys interested in me, but i loved S. Somebody tell, was that wrong, how can someone agree to live like that all in the name of love yet possibly they can settle with any other single guy?. The D-day comes. A get to Know, S never denied. we all met in office the following day and she was bitter but calm, i knew she was hurt and i wish was not the trouble causer so that i could help her, but i was, she felt so betrayed, i asked her to forgive me but i knew that was not enough.

Quath 10-28-2010 01:00 PM

I think many polyamory stories begin out of confused monogamy. So your story is not too unusual. You get a life lesson.

You can't help who you fall in love with. You can only try to be as ethical as you can. In hindsight, S should have had a poly talk with A and see how that played out. But you can't undo the past.

We are all human and make mistakes. Just learn from them and keep going forward.

I hope the best for you.

diane 10-28-2010 02:03 PM

sorry the message was not complete. am sure this can make sense if you read "Seeking Answer and my heart is expanding" experiences cos that is A and S am referring to. We did not get enough time to talk with A and S before they asked me to leave so that they could sort them selves out and possibly mend their marriage, i had to go but it was a painful for me to. I missed him so much, i hated him because i thought he never defended what we had, but at the same time, i put myself in A's shoes and deep down i felt how hurt she was. i was numb first and second week, did not feel like doing anything, because i felt S had lied to me. All the time we were together, he assured me that he loved trully and he wanted a future with me but always asked me to be patient. so i hardly believed him because there was no sign at all that he would ever leave his wife or tell his wife about us.

I did not hear from him for threeweeks, they had agreed with wife never to contact me again if their marriage had to work, so yes i felt discarded and abandoned by the one who said he loved me, but that did not stop me from loving him. At time i could hate him, feel like texting and ask him why he never defended our love but could not. Why because i had to respect their privacy, and i believe in "not chasing and pleading for a man's love"
Anyway, my misery came to an end when i finally got a call from him asking me to meet him together with his wife, i was afraid coz i thought it was not right for me to meet with them after what happened, was trying to heal and i suspected that they wanted to maybe assure me to keep off and never disorganise their marriage again, but guess what all was so beautiful. A is so understanding, given their discussions, she got to understand that what S felt for me was real and for him to be totally happy and complete, i had to be part of his life or their love. S explained to her several time that he loves both of us and we can live a poly kind of life because i too connect with A. Now A welcomes the idea, but sometimes she doesnot feel comfortable about the whole thing, i welcome the idea too but my problem is how can the two of us be happy and conteneted with one man?, how can i be myself around him in the presence of his wife and kids?, S is so happy that i accepted to be part of it, and i and A are both happy but at times we feel like its weird and we would both prefer to have one man for just her or one man for me not two women with one man. He feels ready for everything and he is so happy that am back in his life. but how can the three of us sincerely be happy,unless i step aside???, am a young lady who also needs a life and a family with kids, how is it all possible, if someone has gone through the same please talk to us.

MonoVCPHG 10-28-2010 02:40 PM


Originally Posted by diane (Post 50600)
am a young lady who also needs a life and a family with kids, how is it all possible, if someone has gone through the same please talk to us.

This is where you will need to look inside yourself very hard and ask what is really important and if it can be achieved with a married man or with a man you share in general.

Are you going to want a wedding that your Dad can give your hand away in? One where your mother will beam at how lucky you are at catching that finding that special man who will look after you under the idea of "forever" and be true to you as most of society sees it? One that your current friends will support and be truly happy for you? Are you wanting to have family get together with your own children and neighbors or thier school mates and feel completely accepted?

If you answered yes to some of these now is the time to really think about if you can achieve this with an already married man in our current society. Are you ready for that challenge? Is it an additional layer of struggle that you will embrace?

Why would I put questions out there that seem to be skewed or stacked against a positive outlook? To get you to think, to question and face aspects of reality when you go down this path. Maybe everything you want can be achieved with this couple. Time to ask them idf they are willing to put the work into fulfiling your future the way they want you to fulfill thiers.

Take care and stay healthy

eklctc 10-29-2010 01:42 AM

@diane- I hope it all works out for you. I guess, my biggest concern would be communication and honesty, moreso, between you and A and then between S and the two women because, in my view, that was truly the only thing out of place from the very beginning.

Ssebo 10-29-2010 05:39 AM

don't feel guilty
D, thank you for doing this and joining A and me here. I really appreciate it and so does A.

Yes, it's me S, me who hurt the two women I love so much and inflicted this pain. Not intentionally but out of ... fear, or confusion, just as D? No, not confused. D will remember me always saying: "How can what feels so right and good be wrong...?"... Neither D nor I sought each other out. D had reservations from the start and for both of us it was against our principles. We broke them. For good reason? Reason? No, as GS says in our thread, life is funny sometimes, and we don't know what the universe holds for us and why.

Why did I pursue D? not for the sex or the "a faire" sake. I felt something strong from her which my innermost accepted and returned.

@quath, thank you for taken the time to reply to D... agreed, you can't help who you fall in love with. I could have helped though with what to do about it - and stop it. But I felt it was too strong and too good and yes, i selfishly wanted it. We did try talking about Poly with A a few times, but I felt A was not ready for the practical part of it. As a "fantasy" it was quite acceptable to my wife, we even went as far as me asking her who she could imagine being part of it... strangely (and for me happily) D was amongst "possibles" for her, based on the fact that my wife knew I like her and she liked her too. After all A chose D as my personal assistant. And yes, I apologise again for the hurt, pain and anger my actions caused my wife and D subsequently, for making this really personal.

@Mono, Hi... I believe you are part of Redpepper who was quite active replying to me with a good dose of ... but she is right. You are blessed and so are we for your concern. Your advise was unbiased and sound and I feel, from your heart. Thank you. Yes D needs to listen inside herself which she can do very well and I love her for the balance too. She is "the youngest" by age (who cares) and at times so much wiser than us, sorry, than me. I know that D sees it like me regarding "other parties' concerns or opinions" - we don't care as it's our life. A has some more concerns about that, but as said in my thread http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4078 we have the comfort of our own very private space with absolutely NO worry about interfering visitors who might not "approve" - that may be, will help A too to approach poly with calm and no fear of public opinion.

Mono, we are living in Africa... where by culture "multi-party-relationships" more of the polygamy type are fathomed since ever and have only been interrupted by "nurture" of colonial "standards. That would make this a bit easier, but after so many generations of "cultivation" there are plenty of folks around who would scream at the proposition. Mind you, legislation is pushing a "ANTI-GAY"-Bill! Having said that, we don't want that either, because traditionally I would have to run now 2 homes with A and D each and split the "time" and all else which neither I, nor A and D want.

We, D and I, really want to share life with A. And as it appears, A seems to be taking to the idea in principle. Right now, she is racing ahead in her mind considering all sorts of things though, which are long not due and rather disturbing for her. Right now, I am actually trying to put the brakes on. The main concern are the children (11 and 8) and how will they take to it? I do like Redpepper's approach on that and kindly ask you to may be share more on that, if you don't mind. Thank you.

@eklctc, Due to A opening up and her urge to involve D after 3 weeks, we had a great get together with all three of us. We all parted happy, feeling warm and ... yes, content full of love. Since then we do communicate honestly, with D and me being very concerned for A being comfortable. We are also honestly voicing our unease or discomfort and talk about what we want, trying to find ways of making it happen. I love both beyond what I would have thought possible. And I love A and D for being such great women who chosen to be in my life. You are right and I could bite my own south side for having been such a dumb ass to begin with.

Thank you for helping us and thank you D, for loving me the way you do enriching our life's and thank you A, my wife, for your deep love and the will to try to be open and experience something together, which is unknown and scary to you (as it is for me) and has no clearly visible outcome yet. But I know we can make it what we all agree it should be.

diane 10-29-2010 08:15 AM

Getting better
Thank you S for your reply, it makes me feel at ease that you have a postive attitude towards the whole idea. I wish Awould also be like that. iI know this is all new to us, and i would prefer A not to run away from it but rather try and embrace it. Who knows?, maybe it is more beautiful than the mono -relationships. Am already feeling beter than th last three weeks, i feel free and peaceful, i am happy but am not convinced that A is there yet. I want her to be calm and comfortable but at the same time i know, she has to heal first for the Betrayal we caused her :rolleyes:.

A forgave me, and right now we are like sisters :), one might wonder how fast this is happening, but he is one lady in a million who has got the kindest, understanding and compassionate heart.
S is unique and special in a way. He is so loving, kind and sweet, caring and understanding too. No wonder he connects with A, coz they are somehow the same apart from a few traits. They have both been a blessing to me. Special thanks to them. I love you both and and all am asking for is the unbreakable bond of love, respect, acceptance, acknowledgement and approval between us. We should be Honest, open, trusting with clear communication between us. we should also allow mutual acceptance, support and understanding towards one another that is if we are to go ahead with this.

Is there somebody in our shoes?, please share the experience you are going through....

diane 10-29-2010 08:37 AM

[QUOTE=MonoVCPHG;50604]This is where you will need to look inside yourself very hard and ask what is really important and if it can be achieved with a married man or with a man you share in general.

if you can achieve this with an already married man in our current society. Are you ready for that challenge? Is it an additional layer of struggle that you will embrace?

Why would I put questions out there that seem to be skewed or stacked against a positive outlook? To get you to think, to question and face aspects of reality when you go down this path. Maybe everything you want can be achieved with this couple. Time to ask them idf they are willing to put the work into fulfiling your future the way they want you to fulfill thiers.

Thank you Mono, i ahve already thought about all that, yes i i would prefer the ideal thing of getting married to the man i love and we have our own kids, something comfortable and acceptable to me and society. But the love i feel for him overcomes the fears i had in this path am taking. Indeed its achallenge esp to me, both A and S have achieved some of their dreams and i havent, am just starting, sometimes am worried about how life will be but am hopeful and i believe nothing is impossible and given that we are open and honest to each other, i believe we can make it.

Seekinganswer 10-29-2010 12:20 PM

The rollercoaster of emotions of a mono ....
Today is a good day and after reading D and S posts, I have a mish mash of emotions that I dont understand. For some who have read my post, you know our story and where my frantic search led me to this


Firstly, my connection with D is most puzzling because really I should be hating her and wanting to scratch her eyes out for giving in to S's advances. But after our big meeting, I trully understand why S fell in love with her and I was in tune with her from the beginning. I wanted us to have that meeting so that both S would have a chance to explain to D why he never lied about the future with her all along. I knew she was hurting and cursing him the whole time so this meeting was one way to start our healing. Anyhow, D, I dont and cannot hate you, you are the most lovable person and you are right, my emotions are a jumble. I dont know what I feel from one moment to the next. When I read how intensely and persistent S pursued you, I feel the razor blades (S and D you know what this means) excruciating pain. It feels like Im living the pain of d day all over again and then I start to question my sanity for even considering taking the poly step with you two. I suppose other betrayed women would never imagine what is happening to me but in some of my darkest moments, D ( whose eyes I should be scratching out) is a calm and caring voice. I thank her for that.

S is also more patient and tolerant with my mood swings. He has opened up into someone I never thought he could be- openly affectionate with unguarded sincerity. There is finally a spring in his step after so long which means he was living a tortured existence these past months. He was always so serious and cool and guarded. When I see him kiss and hug D,, I feel soft and warm inside which further confuses me. Shouldnt I be jealous? Shoudlnt I be revolted by the image of the two of them entwined in passion. No I am not. Knowing that S is doing this right in front of me with the same person he had the affair should make me absolutely livid. It doesnt, I am happy for him because I feel deeply that he is happy with D and free to express his love for her. All this is new to my mono wired mind. And yes.. its weird. More weird is that I was scared and nervous before our meeting because I was afraid D would reject S and his explanation for all this. I couldnt bear that thought but I knew it had to be done.

On the bad days... I conjure up images of a future I dont want to contemplate. I know we should be taking each day as it comes and enjoy each other's company but a nagging voice keeps telling me I am crazy. My mono mind takes over and wants to step aside for S and D to have each other. This way, I dont have to feel stuck in the middle between the intense connection they have. I ask myself how S can he love me more and loved me still during the affair? What if the two want to have children later? What if I cant stand this situation and want out? What are we going to tell the kids? I know I know... I should shun away the negative thoughts and focus on the now. I should stop over analyzing and just be! Easier said than done but Im trying to take each day as it comes. Somehow I know what I should be doing, but I just cant help these feelings. For now, we are working on communicating and building the bond between us. S says we should not worry about tomorrow but should we at least voice our expectations of this relationship? I dont want to have nasty surprises to come... I think Ive had a fair dose of those for now..

diane 10-29-2010 12:48 PM

No pressure
A, i feel what you are going through and i trully understand you. i know those thoughts will keep coming and you cant control them. I have tried talking to you, but i think am not the right person to do that. Why should you step aside if S says tha for him to be complete, you have to be part of this?. have u realised that he is happier now?, i believe you do, given what you've writen "He has opened up into someone I never thought he could be- openly affectionate with unguarded sincerity". this is not only because am back in his life but because you are part of it too, do i need to quote the phrases he emphasized of how much he loves for you to understand, be assured he does. A, i know you are going through alot, and just tell me what do you want me to do for you to feel better or at ease?, tell me please. do u want me to leave??,

I dont want you to feel pressured at the moment coz i know your going through a very tough time??, i understand you, so does S, what can we do or what can i do for you to feel better?

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