Unsure about so much
I need to start this from the top. For years my husband has pushed for an open marriage, now i know that an open marriage is very different from polyamory, now I did have sex with other men and enjoyed it but there were times of guilt so I didn't do it for quite awhile. Time passed and I got involved in a online social game where I could do what I wanted with whom I wanted and it filled the needs . I got very much into this world so much so when i got up it was normal to have my coffee and talk to my friends in there. I met men even dated in this game. My husband saw me caring for the men probably more then i should of because it was online and I knew I would never meet them in the real world or so I've told myself over the yrs. I happened to meet someone in the game that told me about polyamory at first i was like what are you kidding me then the more I thought about the more i realized that in many ways I had been living the life style with out physically being with someone other then my husband. In the mean time he had made friends with a woman that from the day I met her she rubbed me the wrong way, But for his sake tried to be her friend and tried to let her get to know me. As time went on the relationship with her bothered me more and more and still does bother me but I know that there's nothing I can do really I don't want to loose my husband love him very much. We've been together for nearly 13 yrs now and we have a very handsome son.
We have talked about polyamory because I know that he does love this girl but I don't trust her at all, and with all the reading I've done on polamory I know that trust is everything on all sides.
Is it wrong of me to ask him to stop talking to her after 4 yrs because she's made it clear to me at least that she wants more then his love?
Now he's told me to see whom I want but as of yet I've gone out on a few harmless dates and had one fleeting relationship that is now just friendship. I would like to find that someone that is going to be ok with the fact that I am wanting a poly relationship. at the same time not many men where I live are so open minded. Its ok to have a fling with a married woman and be friends after but to be in a relationship with her and everyone is happy that doesn't happen it seems.
What I'm most unsure about is while I want the poly relationship is it wrong that I'm not liking his choice and do I have the right to say something that could make our relationship fall apart?
Yes open communication and trust are important. Being honest about not trusting her, important, just as important as your husband being able to trust that you aren't going to 'sabotage' a relationship just because you don't like it. You don't have to be friends with this woman. DH and DC are not friends, they have much in common and joke but mostly through me. Neither one feels like they SHOULD become friends just because they are both dating me so they don't. There is, however, a mutual respect because we are all trying to be honest and trusting of each other and each other's boundaries. If that is an issue with her, not being respectful of you or your boundaries, then by all means bring it up.
My questions are pretty basic. How has she made it clear to you that she wants more than his love? What more does she want? How do you and hubby balance time together versus his time with her?
He's the hinge in this V and I know from experience that can be hard! It can also ruin relationships when you have a hinge that refuses to stand up for themselves or be honest in communication between each person.
So just a little more about your situation, is she live in, does he spend a majority of nights with you, with her, do you do things all together or is it always separate? That kind of thing, might shed some light on not only the situation but maybe why you don't like it much.
When I met her she was still married but that didn't stop her from following him around her house and at that point I assume they were just friends from work. time passed and his attentions were going to her more and talking to her more even though she by that time lived 2 hours away, and still does. This past oct. t all came to a head though and when he told me one thing and then did another. which was sleep with her before he made it clear to her that she was the other woman. Ive tried to be her friend only to have her stab me in the back. The final straw was her giving him a wedding band for christmas. Now he says he didnt see it as that but it was Ive asked friends men and women and they all feel that it was. She's also given me dirty looks when Ive tried to talk with them but he doesnt notice them and in fact he defends her and bashes me
Okay, big time red flags there. Understand that while you are frustrated and the two of them aren't behaving ethically or honestly, you trying to destroy the relationship will just make it worse. Simply because then it will be your fault!
My suggestions, such as they are, are to fist sit down with your husband. Explain that with all the research YOU have done, honest communication and trust are important. Ask him to check out some of the research. People here are more than happy to point you to some great stuff! For us, Tristan's book 'Opening Up' was incredibly helpful. We have even relaxed in bed and done some of the little check lists in there. Just to define together what things mean to each of us.
Mention to him that you think it's important not only for the two of you but for all three of you to sit down and figure this out, for everyone. If someone doesn't want to do that, I would be INCREDIBLY blunt and explain that if you aren't ready to sit down and figure things out honestly and openly you sure as hell aren't ready for a poly relationship.
If nothing else, you need to hear, from her, what exactly she thinks this relationship is, what he thinks it is, and all together is best so there's none of this he said she said crap.
Something we have used for our kids was mirroring. Not just repeating what someone else says, but HOW they say it! It really helped one of my children realize that while they thought they were being very mature, they were coming off as rude, eye rolling, and dismissive. I do suggest that is done all three as well just so that hubby can see WHY you are feeling disrespected by her. Actions mean a lot and those little looks and eye rolls might not seem like much to some people, but when they see it mirrored back it's sometimes a shock!
Lastly, hubby needs to understand that yes, it's hard to be a hinge, and not feeling like you have to pick sides in a situation. It's not easy. It's important though to NOT bash one to another. There are things I just keep to myself! It's hard because I like sharing things with both of the men in my life but I remind myself, if it only causes them to feel badly, then why? I'm not talking big things, just little things that might make them feel insecure and question themselves.
(P.S. this did backfire when they met and are not BOTH upping their gym time to get into better shape feeling the other has certain parts that are better. Legs and chest and all that. Not going to mention that *I* am the most out of shape of all three and being told I don't need to work out!)
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