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-   -   Different kind of newness (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4088)

Seasnail 10-28-2010 07:18 AM

Different kind of newness
I've been lurking a while, and I know I posted back when I was first exploring polyamory with my husband. That didn't work so well, and when things fell apart, I just didn't have the energy to be here, and I wasn't sure it was really for me anyway.


I have a lover, that I kept up when my husband and I split, and I care deeply for him and his primary girlfriend. Being a part-time non-decisionmaking member of their family is so easy and good.

And then I met someone else, and I just told him about it right from the beginning. At first I thought his reaction was shock because it was new. Well actually it was shock because he didn't expect to find "someone who understood".

I was moving for the school year, so we both thought it would be just a fling. But I'm beginning to understand that it was not. So here I am.

We obviously care for one another, and talk online for at least a little bit each day. We are anxiously awaiting the time when we can visit. We neither of us want to rush into anything committed, and have agreed that we just want to see where things go, because we enjoy one another's presence.

I do find I want to know if there are other people in his life, and who they are. I want him to be happy, I want him to have love in his life, I want him to be who he is that I like so much. But I also want to know, and I don't know the bounds of our relationship well enough to know if/when to ask. And I want to be sure of my motivation before I do... I think I mostly want to know where I stand. I want to know what sexual choices I need to make. I want to know them too, and have an opportunity to love someone else like I love my other lover's girlfriend.

I'd love to hear feedback, and I like to learn from example, so please share your experiences too.


eklctc 10-29-2010 01:49 AM

@Seasnail- the biggest thing, which you will hear a lot, is communication. You should communicate your desire to know these things versus trying to guess whether or not you should ask and when it is appropriate to do so. Everything should be discussed and clear to your both (i.e. the nature of your relationships, possible future of your relationship, expectations of the relationship, desires involving interaction with other people, and comfort levels of sharing those interactions in part or in-depth). That's the only way you will know how to proceed in your own life and additional relationships. Though, you two have agreed to just go with the slow flow, it doesn't hurt to have a casual conversation about the above-mentioned things.

Hope it all goes well.

Moonglow 10-29-2010 11:55 AM

I think most people if you tell them that you are open and honest... they just aren't ready for that. I suppose though that's just me. I have a friend in a sort of similar situation who once I explained the whole thing that I have just been through...(well explained certain things but he lived through it with me as well) like a little light went off in his head. People have been so conditioned things being a certain way for so long that trying to be open and forthright is well... NEW. I think it actually just makes things easier. You don't have to pour out everything that is in your head but exploring possibilities is a lot of fun.

Seasnail 10-29-2010 04:01 PM

Well I did it! We ended up talking about his other lover, her hesitation to meet me, and her fear that I might try to steal him away. I totally know how THAT feels, from my experience with my husband.:(

He says he would like for us to be friends though, and I would dearly like to love her as a friend too. I told him we'd work at her pace, though.

Happy, excited, hopeful

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