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-   -   What gives? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4085)

silkysmoothbits 10-27-2010 11:32 PM

What gives?
I am a self-identified lesbian, have joined the girl's team about 16 years ago and have never looked back. I recently met an amazing 'straight' (but bi-curious) woman with whom I have experienced an instant and very strong chemistry, plus we communicate beautifully and honestly, and even share similar interests. It seems like a wonderful basis from which to navigate into unknown territory.

However, she keeps saying that she doesn't want to commit, that she has no time and energy for a relationship, that she likes meaningless sex with men, possibly two men, but she could also see herself end up with a man and a woman at some stage; and she is all over the idea of trying out toys with me and possibly having a threesome.

While I am not opposed to any of these ideas and like her so much that I would want to see her screwing happily with one or two other men, it seems like she wants it all and much too soon, plus she worries about what people think about us hanging out together (being that she's 'straight').

So she's on the personals (single and available) basically denying any connection with me and she keeps on talking about meaningless sex with men, yet she wants to try out stuff with me while dating these guys.

What gives? I am being hidden, denied the acknowledgment of a connection (not even official fuck-buddy status) and honestly, this is what upsets me the most. I would like to have a place in this. I told her that polyamory actually takes integrity, transparency and honesty, that everybody with whom she relates should be acknowledged.

Obviously, neither one of us has actual poly experience. After many poly people approaching me over the years I am finally looking into it, but I want to do it 'right'. I have seen only one couple who has been pulling it off with amazing integrity and honesty.

Am I allowed to have feelings about this? Being poly doesn't mean that you cannot have feelings about stuff, correct? Anyway, I needed to get this out of my system. Any advice is welcome, thanks.

Derbylicious 10-28-2010 03:14 AM

I think that she's scared of her sexuality and doesn't want to jump into being in any kind of "relationship" with you because that would mean that she isn't straight. I would take things very slowly with her physically. I see a lot of potential for you to get hurt in this situation. If you get along well and communicate well keep doing that. Do your best not to attach a label to what you are to each other. If things feel right and you both want to take things in a physical direction do it. The way you've described it it's the labeling of the relationship that is bothering her more than actually being in some kind of relationship with you. Let her come to you with the "where is this going" conversation when she's ready to (unless you don't want to wait in which case keep this strictly on a friends level to spare yourself some pain).


silkysmoothbits 10-28-2010 03:15 AM

I like that proverb at the end :)

redpepper 10-28-2010 06:45 AM

I agree with Derby on this one. I think she is not willing to put all her eggs in one basket on a hunch that she might like sex with women. I think she is testing out the waters with you and is not willing to go there on the connection bit. Your thinking it's connection could also be that you are picking up on feelings of something else, such as curiosity, awkwardness, inadequacy, developing trust... apprehension? All balled into one... it could appear that she is close to you, but really she is figuring out if you are to be trusted sexually and as a potential partner...

I would tread very lightly also in terms of investment... you could be reeled in and them tossed aside very easy.

silkysmoothbits 10-28-2010 02:47 PM

Thanks for all the honest feedback! I'm currently reading 'The ethical slut' and if all poly people lead their lives in such healthy ways (meaning inclusive of honesty, integrity and respect for each other) then wow, I want to play on this team!

eklctc 10-28-2010 03:53 PM

I definitely agree with Derby regarding your friend being afraid of her sexuality and that is a journey she will have to work through within herself. No matter how willing you are to explore and assist her in her explorations, she has to embrace self-comfort and allow self-exploration. It is definitely a long road of fighting oneself, especially, when you've embraced mainstream views for quite some time.

I would also say that it would be a good idea to express yourself, openly and transparently, to her so that she will know where you are coming from and what you see and, hopefully, that will open up a dialogue.

I hope all ends well. :)

silkysmoothbits 10-28-2010 06:58 PM

We actually have a very transparent, honest and playful way of communicating and connecting. We call each other on our shit and are both willing to explore it or at least question some of our beliefs.

She is not afraid at all to explore the gay territory. I am the one who needs some rules to play by. I don't want to be another secret friend with benefits. For one, I would like to know everybody else who would be involved with her (as it would affect me too), that's all.

I'm open and not inflexible, but there has to be a common ground from which both of us can explore. But generally speaking, this common ground hasn't been established yet.

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