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-   -   Mono, New to Poly and need a little help (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=408)

polyfx 06-23-2009 03:54 PM

Mono, New to Poly and need a little help
First of all I'd like to say hello. I'm new here and to the Poly scene and really need some help with a problem.

I have been living with the same partner for almost 9 years (mono-mono). She has had for many years feelings that she was polyamorous and did not reveal these feelings to me until a couple months ago. She is BI and expressed a need to have women relationships, which we agreed was OK years ago, as long as there were no male sex relationships happening. I felt that at the time that if there was sex with a man needed that I was the one for the job. She completely agreed.

She recently came out and and said that she wanted man/woman relationships. We disagreed and we seperated. If we didnt seperate, she said she would do it anyway regardless. I felt my boundaries had been crossed and was not agreeable to the male aspect.

We have since been seeing each other as if we never parted, except she lives on her own and has 2 "secondary" male partners. We are still very close.

She expressed to me that she wants me to remain her life partner, albeit as the "primary". She expressed to me that the whole "package" was better that I had to offer and hands down wanted me to be the main squeeze. We want to work this out, except I have only one hang up.

I have given the lifestyle much thought, and have basically accepted it as an alternative to a monogamous lifestyle. I'm not against adapting to this new style of love.

My issue, and what I have come forward to ask is: Has anyone out there been in a situation where you felt O.K. with your partner having other relationships with the same sex, but couldn't bear them having one with the opposite sex?. I don't mean the love part, I mean the sex part.

It's not jealousy. It feels different. Almost a competetive feeling. The age old question comes to mind... What does he have to offer that I don't? If she isn't totally happy with the sex she is receiving from these other people, why do it at all?

I'd like to get past this very much so we can get on with our lives, hopes and dreams...

Thanks in advance!


MonoVCPHG 06-23-2009 04:00 PM

Without going into great detail my friend, I know exactly what you are feeling. You are not alone. I just want you to know that...and I totally agree with your reasons for seperating initialy. Now I will back away like a scared child LOL!:)

polyfx 06-23-2009 04:05 PM

Based on your SN.. I can guess why.:)

Regardless of lifestyle, I am still a guy and am wired from the factory to be a certain way (on a different level than the lifestyle). After all poly/mono/fluid/whatever is are personal choices. This is more of a deep rooted thing.

I'm ready to change everything else but this is a really hard thing to do.

Can I be happy without the change and just moving ahead full speed... probably not.

I love this person in an uncommon unconditional way and am willing to work on it just the same.

MonoVCPHG 06-23-2009 04:38 PM

Just to be clear, I have no issues with my Life Love having sex with her husband LOL! I have 100 percent compersion for that. I also have very little issue with another intimate friend of hers as he is a part of both there lives and cares for both of them legitimately. I am the "other" guy essentially. I have issues with the idea of her having sex with another "new" guy. But that is a long story and will put me somewhere that is not beneficial or relevant to what I have. There are others on here that can give much better and objective advice LOL:)
Take care

Quath 06-24-2009 01:50 AM

I understand where you are coming from. It took me awhile to settle it for myself. Basically, I found the idea of my wife/gf having sex with another woman hot and different enough that it did not feel like competition to me. But if she was with another guy, I would worry about sorts of crap that society and culture teaches/preaches. Like the guy would try to steal her. Or he would try to lay claim on her. Or he would mock me for not being able to hold on to her. I know some guys who think along those lines.

The way I dealt with it was to realize that my wife/gf would not pick someone who would cause stress in our relationship. She would not choose a jerk who would try that macho crap on her.

I also really had to think about compersion as opposed to the cuckold view. I realized I could be happy if she was happy with another guy as long as he was making her happy.

What I think helps deal with some of this is to meet the other guys in a friendly social setting. It doesn't have to be a great bonding moment, but just enough to recognize each other as a metamore. Maybe it can turn into a friendship. However, they will be real guys to you that may not seem as threatening because you will see the common everyday flaws we all have instead of an idealized guy who sounds more threatening.

Mark1npt 06-24-2009 04:33 PM

A couple of points/observations........For what it's worth, I think it's perhaps easier to deal with this issue when you are a little older (40's-50's) and more established in your primary love over many years and with a history behind you, moreso than just starting out in your 20's from scratch in a new relationship.......IMO.

My wife is lately having a very difficult time internally with our "V" and she can't quite put her finger on it...we've tried talking it out but have no concrete reasons/answers.....she believes her hangup to be around having to "compete" with the other woman in our "V" from a sexual or love standpoint. I have tried to reinforce to her numerous times that this is not a competition, merely different types of love, intimacy or sex that compliment what she and I have always had. I thought we had this issue addressed, but it recently reared it's head again. I sincerely would not have an issue if my wife wanted to have a poly relationship and/or sex with another man, if that's what would bring her the level of happiness/fulfillment she craves in her life. I would be happy for her. I suppose if I sensed that the other man was trying to steal her away from me, I might be upset, but I would have to trust that was not the issue. That trust I think can only be derived from time in a lengthy, loving relationship.

aussiekate 02-22-2016 11:27 PM

I'm the wife in a similar scenario (though I'm not bi). We've been married 22 years and I'm craving the variety and "new relationship energy" that comes with sleeping with other men. I'm completely happy in my marriage and with our sex life, but I feel like I'm really missing out on something that I need. I don't think I'm truly polyamorous, but I am seeking sex that's more than a purely physical experience - there needs to be enough of a connection for me to feel safe and intimate, but I'm not seeking another love relationship. I'd say I'm looking for a "friend with benefits", to add a bit of spice and adventure and freedom to my otherwise-perfect life.

My husband is trying really hard not to perceive this as a rejection of him, and I've tried for around five or six years now to make my feelings "go away", but they're not, and I really fear I'm going to resent him if it doesn't happen (though I'd never cheat).

For context, my husband has never had sex outside a relationship, which I think is a significant contributor to our disconnect; he can't even conceptualise why you'd want to have sex with somebody if you didn't have pre-existing romantic feelings towards them.

We are seeing a poly-friendly counsellor but this is definitely the toughest challenge we've ever faced, and every other aspect of our marriage is awesome. Any advice you folks can offer is most welcome. :)

kdt26417 02-23-2016 02:15 AM

Hi aussiekate,

Sad to say I don't see what you can do to improve your situation. I'm assuming divorcing your husband is out of the question. Meanwhile, he doesn't want you to date other men, and I don't know what words you could say to him to make him change his mind.

You've tried for around five or six years now to make your feelings "go away;" maybe the next five or six years could be spent trying to convince him to accept your feelings. If five or six years sound like too many, just imagine what more might be like!

You could try a search on this site for OPP, I know we have more threads on that topic.

Kevin T.

Mark1npt 02-23-2016 02:22 AM

Hi Aussiekate......I haven't been active on this site since.....well.......since my divorce nearly 5 years ago. I can very much appreciate where you're coming from. I can also appreciate where your husband is coming from and what he is feeling. Some people are just so locked in to the monogamy angle and the "relationship". My ex-wife was one such person after 29 years of faithful marriage on both sides. Yet, when we first met, she was not that way. Very promiscuous, single men, married men, did not matter. I guess she had her fill at a young age whereas I did not. Always studying, never partying, always planning for the future. Our paths obviously diverged. As someone said to me last year...."your relationship just ran it's course".

It's a shame we don't age the same, or experience the same, or need the same. In many ways I am happier now than I have ever been and in others I wish the divorce never happened. Ultimately, you need to decide if your fantasy is worth losing your marriage or your kids. For some it is and for others it isn't. It's your personal choice. There are no winners here and for any one who's spent 20+ years as a part of someone else's life, I don't think you can ever get over that. Not unless you can collectively forget all the good that came from that.

Why is it I need to be 100% happy and 100% fulfilled? Why isn't 70, 80 or 90% enough. Why? In my case I needed to experience and know the perfect lover, the lover I never had before I got married.....is that your need to???

aussiekate 02-23-2016 04:11 AM


Originally Posted by kdt26417 (Post 322358)
I'm assuming divorcing your husband is out of the question.

Thanks, Kevin T. Certainly we're not there yet. We were moving towards opening the relationship and I was OK with the slow pace. I went on my first date (no sex) a couple of weeks ago, at which point my husband freaked out, and then I started to panic that it was never going to happen. I can wait some undefined "but less than years" period longer while he works on his anxieties, but if he said it was absolutely never ever going to happen, then divorce would not be out of the question.

Originally Posted by Mark1npt (Post 322360)
Why is it I need to be 100% happy and 100% fulfilled? Why isn't 70, 80 or 90% enough. Why? In my case I needed to experience and know the perfect lover, the lover I never had before I got married.....is that your need to???

It feels like I'm missing out on fun experiences, and I'm going to really resent my husband continuing to impose a particular conception of marriage on me that prevents me from having that fun. And yes, I know it's what I signed up for, but I signed up for it when I was 23, and we've renegotiated nearly everything. I feel we signed up to growing together and facilitating each other's growth and happiness with openness and integrity, rather than to a particular rigid set of rules or societal expectations.

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