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-   -   Mixed feelings... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=40747)

Aquarius 02-16-2013 03:57 PM

Mixed feelings...
 
It's 2.44am. Just had the best sex with My husband. It's funny how our sex life just keeps getting better. Even after he told me he was poly. It's been 10 months now I understand that this is a path he needs to follow. I also knows he loves me , as I love him . I'm still scared (those nasty thoughts still thread their way through though I've built a huge barbed wired fence around my mind) I wonder , and I hope things don't change between the two us . Will he still look at me with the warmth, touch me as he walks by . Will I still feel comfortable to lie naked beside him and wonder if he is comparing my body to hers? Is he thinking of her when he is making love to me? I love him so I try. And I trust.

Hope this gets easier.

trixlg 02-16-2013 04:53 PM

I know how you feel.
 
I understand the poison that floods your brain. and I understand how you are feeling, although I am the one that is poly, and my husband mono. funny right, although I think he is more poly then my self:(.. He has logic.. I have emotions.. its hard..

I want to say it does gets better... and yes Trust.. ahh sweet trust.. that's where I have issues my self.. I trust him 100% its the others I won't trust. and It all do to how things were not treated the first go around, that's put a sour taste in my mouth and mind. Its a daily battle, and it will continue till you can accept the knowing right.. knowing he loves you, Knowing he will touch you like he has always, Knowing he is still there for you.. but accepting that yes he will have NRE that may take away from you.. and yes he may find some one that enhances who he is and makes him a better person but with out your help he wouldn't probably be at the place he is.. again its accepting and Knowing.

Question is are you okay with him being physically intimate with another? digg deep to make sure you are okay with it.

ManofDiscovery 02-16-2013 05:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by trixlg (Post 184862)
I understand the poison that floods your brain. and I understand how you are feeling, although I am the one that is poly, and my husband mono. funny right, although I think he is more poly then my self:(.. He has logic.. I have emotions.. its hard..

I want to say it does gets better... and yes Trust.. ahh sweet trust.. that's where I have issues my self.. I trust him 100% its the others I won't trust. and It all do to how things were not treated the first go around, that's put a sour taste in my mouth and mind. Its a daily battle, and it will continue till you can accept the knowing right.. knowing he loves you, Knowing he will touch you like he has always, Knowing he is still there for you.. but accepting that yes he will have NRE that may take away from you.. and yes he may find some one that enhances who he is and makes him a better person but with out your help he wouldn't probably be at the place he is.. again its accepting and Knowing.

Question is are you okay with him being physically intimate with another? digg deep to make sure you are okay with it.

Love this post.

If you're gonna wait 2 and a half years to make your first post, you might as well make it a good one ;)

Marcus 02-16-2013 05:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aquarius (Post 184857)
I wonder, and I hope things don't change between the two us.

That's an unfortunate wish. What if his other relationships enrich his time with your own? What if his discoveries about other lovers makes him realize just how wonderful you are? What if his time spent away from you makes your "reunions" that much sweeter?

IVs relationships do nothing to diminish our connection, in fact I would say it has the opposite effect. When she is with me she embraces fully the kind of relationship I have to offer her. She has other relationships which are similar in some ways and different in others, which serves to give her a more full understanding of what she gets from me. Her love for CV and PT brings her closer to me, allows her to appreciate me.

I say, don't wish for lack of change. Wish instead for life to be enriched and given the opportunity to flourish.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aquarius (Post 184857)
Will I still feel comfortable to lie naked beside him and wonder if he is comparing my body to hers?

Humans are pattern seeking apes. We make comparisons of everything around us to everything else. If your husband has ever seen another woman you can be assured he has compared her to you. I presume women do the same.

This isn't something to be frightened of, it's just the way we interpret the world around us. It's out of his control just like it's out of yours. That being the case, take a deep breath and let it go because he couldn't *not* do that if he tried.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aquarius (Post 184857)
Is he thinking of her when he is making love to me?

I assure you that he thinks of all kinds of different things when making love. The mind wanders depending on what is going on. If he's super stressed about work I guarantee that during a lull in love making his work situation pops into his mind. If he watched some outstanding porn earlier in the day you can bet he will think about that at some point.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aquarius (Post 184857)
Hope this gets easier.

The degree to which this gets easier and your feelings of jealousy are calmed is negatively related to how strongly you cling to the illusion that you have some kind of control over his emotions and thoughts.

I suggest you embrace the fact that he is a fully functional human and that his feelings are his own to manage. Celebrate it, don't fear it. Openly encourage his freedom and join in any resulting joys he wishes to share with you. His life will be better - Your life will be better - Everyone wins

trixlg 02-16-2013 06:33 PM

yeah sorry I signed up and then lost the link and just recently reconnected:)~

I think I was more a lurker in the day :) not so much now..

Aquarius 02-16-2013 11:02 PM

I don't know
 
[QUOTE=trixlg;184862.

Question is are you okay with him being physically intimate with another? digg deep to make sure you are okay with it.[/QUOTE]


How can I be sure if I will be ok.? But I do know that I won't stop his journey on his path. How I will cope and if I cope will prob be my own journey. I'm sure there will be a lot of growth from both sides.

I want to grow old with this man.I hope I get to.

I find it difficult to express these feelings and that's where this forum helps me. Thank you for your thoughts.

trixlg 02-17-2013 12:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aquarius (Post 184919)
How can I be sure if I will be ok.?

I want to grow old with this man.I hope I get to.

Only you have that answer no one can answer or perceive the future.


You hope you get to sounds as if your visualizing your self not in the future?

Aquarius 02-17-2013 12:51 AM

Yep you are right.

I need to be more positive. And yes no one can predict the future. There are no guarantees . I guess after such a great weekend I got a bit melancholy. It will be fine if we both work and want it to. How did your husband cope trix and how long has it been?

trixlg 02-17-2013 01:01 AM

And many more to come
 
It's great to think on things as long as you keep a positive thinking pattern, unlike my self I tend to poison my thoughts, so I personally am working on the positive thinking..

Ahh how did he cope, it wasn't easy he says, he said that he had to better time manage, fool his mind a bit, and positively know I was returning to him and am always with him.. Our situation is unique not like most here on the sight, and were still working on it.. I have been poly now 3 years.. because I have outside relation ships with females granted I've only had 2 in the three years. I guess you can say I'm selective in whom I want to share my time and energy with.. But I do have a great support system with several poly friends.. And maybe that's another thing you should look at too local poly folks to make friends with to also help you through some of the issues you may have .. I know a lot of my mono friends look at me like I have a third eye when I want to discuss my relationship with a female versus with the relationship with my spouse..

Keep me up to date on how your Doing!

Aquarius 02-17-2013 01:44 AM

IVs relationships do nothing to diminish our connection, in fact I would say it has the opposite effect. When she is with me she embraces fully the kind of relationship I have to offer her. She has other relationships which are similar in some ways and different in others, which serves to give her a more full understanding of what she gets from me. Her love for CV and PT brings her closer to me, allows her to appreciate me.

I say, don't wish for lack of change. Wish instead for life to be enriched and given the opportunity to flourish.



Humans are pattern seeking apes. We make comparisons of everything around us to everything else. If your husband has ever seen another woman you can be assured he has compared her to you. I presume women do the same.

This isn't something to be frightened of, it's just the way we interpret the world around us.




I suggest you embrace the fact that he is a fully functional human and that his feelings are his own to manage. Celebrate it, don't fear it. Openly encourage his freedom and join in any resulting joys he wishes to share with you. His life will be better - Your life will be better - Everyone wins[/QUOTE]

Marcus you helped me look at this from a different perspective .thank you.


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