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-   -   Not Feeling the Connectivity (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4074)

eklctc 10-27-2010 04:12 AM

Not Feeling the Connectivity
I am in a polyamorous relationship with a couple. My official introduction to the parents is due to take place soon; however, I plan to tell my partners I think we should wait.


I don't feel the connectivity in the relationship when all three of us are together. Whenever we are supposed to have a 'group' discussion what ends up happening is 'they' have a conversation in detail and then 'he' filters the summary of the conversation and decision to me. That is a polygamous move- when the husband and primary wife discuss and decide and the results are passed on to the lesser wives. Also, when we are all together and my male partner wants to show something or say something, he specifically calls my female partner's name to share. Though I may be in earshot, I'm not really included in the conversation. There are other small things that I observe that continue to indicate they are still operating a dual partnership. So, basically, I have begun to feel more comfortable with them separately than I do with them together because at least that way I feel more 'in tune'.

Now, I noticed this from the beginning but, of course, I considered it to be something that would progress and change as the relationship developed; tried to consider the newness of the relationship (we've been together almost five months); and the fact that the relationship type in general is new to them after being married for 10 years (with sporadic swinging). However, as I have observed this behavior and tried to take it lightly, I decided I needed to speak up about it since it is something that I seem to look for now (because it seems inevitable) when we are together somewhat making me dread being together (all three of us) and it will begin to change the energy within me from neutral to negative if I do not speak up now. My brother tells me to stop using the newness of the relationship as a crutch to excuse these things.

Another point that I notice is that we always use 'time' as our reason for not being able to do things (get together and talk, hang out, etc) especially with my female partner BUT, as my male partner mentioned to me in a separate conversation last week, it's all about priority and sequence. Maybe it's not a priority at all or maybe it is on the priority list but sequenced so far down it never gets addressed. Now, my female partner can't ever seem to find the time to be available for a three party conversation but she finds the time to go meet up with other guys or go hang out with other friends or 'they' can find the time to have an in-depth conversation without me yet I'm free when they are free. My female partner also takes her sweet time to respond to my messages (I mean, like a day or two) which weighs heavier on me than I want to admit. I mean, if we are all equally invested, how does my male partner get a response and/or get a phone call yet mine gets ignored?

I don't want to end the relationship but the relationship I currently see is not the one I am aiming for.

What are your thoughts?

Tonberry 10-27-2010 10:45 AM

I think you should have a talk with them and see where you guys are standing. It seems you're their secondary when you want to be a primary. Do they know you do? Maybe they just assumed that's the way the relationship would go.

If you discuss it, they'll be able to tell you if they see it happening or not. If there is no hope of change, I think none of you will be happy in the end, as you won't get what you want.

NeonKaos 10-27-2010 12:57 PM

Maybe it IS better if you let each individual relationship develop in its own way and at its own pace instead of trying to "be a triad".

You might want to take a look at these two threads:



pancake 10-27-2010 01:17 PM

eklctc, no advice, just wanted you to know I have similar issues in my relationship. You're not alone! I've not gotten to a point where I feel like I can do anything though...I can't be with my couple nearly as much as I'd like to be, so frequently I feel secondary too. I just have patience for now. I hope it ends up well for you though and you take care of you...
Neon, thanks for the links...

eklctc 10-27-2010 03:58 PM

@Tonberry- Thanks. The convo is coming. I'm working in another state this week so the in-person convo has to wait until the weekend but I am letting them know that I have decided not to accompany them to the shindig at the parents' house on Sunday. We have good communication, for the most part, so I have expressed the third wheel syndrome or the dual partnership statement several times. I know it is a process but, I think, sometimes they allow themselves to get comfortable and forget that it isn't just them anymore.

eklctc 10-27-2010 03:58 PM

@Pancake- Thanks. I, too, cannot spend the time I want with them yet we originally agreed that this relationship would be the only emotionally connected relationship we would allow ourselves to have since we are an open polyamorous partnership. With that being the case, I need to be emotionally satisfied which is not the case now as it had been at a point. I am still patience too but nothing can get addressed and no one can have what they desire if we don't share our thoughts, right?

eklctc 10-27-2010 03:59 PM

@Neon- Thanks. The individual relationships have developed in their own way and at their own pace and are still in the process of doing that. He and I love each other and spend 2-3 days together per week. She and I are care for each other but we have not verbally professed love and we are emotionally supportive of each other (I helped her through the loss of the baby a couple of months back and other emotional situations) but we spend time whenever time is allowed since she works two jobs and has a very tight schedule. However, we all keep the lines of communication open via email and text as well and monthly we share little gifts and sentiments. We are comfortable with our individual relationships. Being a 'triad' is not the focus...the focus is being connected when we are all together. That's where I have begun to experience some dissention.

NeonKaos 10-27-2010 04:04 PM

They probably have some issues they need to work out between the two of them.

It sounds like you're doing what you need to be doing on your part.

GroundedSpirit 10-27-2010 06:11 PM

Hey Ekl,

Reading your post, a couple things popped into my head.

The first - or maybe most important, is that it may be that you and her really are not connecting especially well. You probably care about each other etc but the real depth is just not there. That's ok - as long as you don't EXPECT otherwise. It's entirely possible for a successful 3 way relationship - even in triad form - to exist even though all combinations are connecting at different levels. In fact, I think all people connect at different levels, so to expect equality may be unreasonable.
I'd say just accept where it is today and look for opportunities to grow the bond deeper when they appear. It may be that she's sensing the same thing (discomfort when all 3 together) and is trying to avoid it ?

Now..........that being said..........

The interaction, decision making, discussions etc that seem to leave you on the sideline............that's something that takes time to change. AND everyone has to WANT it to change and so be able to discuss it openly but gently. You say they have been together for 10 yrs. In that length of time you get set into certain styles and routines that you usually aren't even aware of ! Now, everyone just has to realize that old format has changed and all need to be open and ready to modify some of the old patterns. It may not be as much an unwillingness as much as it is an awareness of the importance. Like you said yourself - they seem to fall back into old, pre-established patterns. Sometimes just a gentle "whoo hoo - I'm here too !" is enough to get the point across.

It needs to be addressed - but not harped on - if that makes sense. If you don't see any honest effort and improvement after a few months you may have to evaluate the sustainability of these particular individuals. Or just let it drift into a "V".

Good luck - try to be patient. Old habits die hard they say.


eklctc 10-27-2010 11:27 PM

@Grounded- Thanks. That's the thing...she and I connect perfectly and he and I connect perfectly and they are under the impression that everything connects perfectly and, at one time, it seemed that way but since we have spent more time together as a triad over the last month than we have the entire five, it has become much clearer to me. In my case, yes, we Do have to eventually have somewhat equal relationships because we are not interested in developing a 'v' relationship. We want an all-inclusive relationship that we want to expand to include a couple of other long-term, committed, in-house people as time goes on.

I understand the discussion and decision-making process in general takes time when it comes to other things like their decision to work on having a baby or the refinancing of the house but that does not (or should not apply) to things that directly affect my activity and/or role in the relationship. That is more of a polygamous attribute and I've done my time in that relationship style.

I'm very patient but I am also very observant and have been seeing something since day one that has yet to show any sign of changing which will eventually become an issue in the relationship. I'd rather let it be known now so that I can either stop being so considerate of all of their desires and start fulfilling my own through other avenues or they can make a more conscious effort to work on it. I operate in an all-inclusive way. That's all I'm asking them to do so...we will see how they view it.

Thanks again.

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