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-   -   Monogomish (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=40718)

soleilselene 02-16-2013 02:38 AM

Monogomish
 
My guy friend told me that what I have is a monogomish marriage. Is there any support groups for that? Is this the right place or not?

lemonhead 02-16-2013 02:44 AM

Sure, I'm sure you could gain knowledge and support here! Do you feel like the definition of "monogamish" is a fair assessment of your marriage? If so, why? Is there any specific type of information or support that you're seeking?

SchrodingersCat 02-16-2013 06:43 AM

Labels, labels, labels. I've heard the term monogomish before, I have a poly acquaintance who is a label whore and loves to pin everyone into very specific boxes, whether they like it or not. Unsurprisingly, she's a huge Dan Savage fan. Personally, I can take him or leave him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dan Savage
So I've got a new word to describe relationships like yours, mine, and your mom's, IIC: "monogamish." We're mostly monogamous, not swingers, not actively looking. Monogamish.
(http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/S...ve?oid=9125045)

I doubt there are any specific "monogamish support groups" but then, what about your situation needs "support?" If you have any specific questions or concerns, this is a good place to ask them -- we've seen it all. But off hand, I haven't seen anyone here self-identify as having a monogamish relationship.

To me, that "self-identify" part is important. Someone might say to you "it sounds like you might have a monogamish relationship" and that gives you the chance to look it up and see if it applies. But under no circumstances is anyone allowed to unilaterally define your marriage except you and your husband. If you check out the monogamish label and decide it's just not something you want to use, then you don't have to, even if your friend wants to insist.

At the end of the day, all that really matters are the agreements you make with your partners. If everything is working for you, don't worry about what other people call it.

soleilselene 02-17-2013 12:29 AM

Thanks Shrodingers Cat! It just seems like every time I join a group or whatever there is someone saying I don't belong. The story of my life.

I was in a childfree group and since my husband has a kids I was told I wasn't child free. Then the other issue I had was that I sometimes did want a baby, but, I am logical and know I SHOULD NOT have one. Because of this I was sorta shunned in that group.

I guess my deal here is that I am mainly in this because I want SEX. A lot of people might not like that. It is the truth in my case, I know it's not the only reason why people look for others outside of their relationships and become non-monogamous.

I do get a long great with the guys I am seeing. I do not plan on just hopping from one guy to another, I hope to "recycle" these for as long as I can. I can spend hours talking to them and I genuinely like their personalities. Am I in love with them? No, I'm not.

Also the point that I am keeping this from my husband (with his permission, because he wants it this way) might rub some polies wrong. I just really don't know! lol Blah!

BoringGuy 02-17-2013 12:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by soleilselene (Post 184929)

I was in a childfree group and since my husband has a kids I was told I wasn't child free. Then the other issue I had was that I sometimes did want a baby, but, I am logical and know I SHOULD NOT have one. Because of this I was sorta shunned in that group.

If it's the one I'm thinking of, you weren't "sorta shunned", you were sent Directly to Jail, Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200.

I'm not about to tell you that you don't "belong here", but most folks agree that "polyamorous" means you have, desire to have, or are able to have an emotionally intimate relationship with more than one person at a time. IN polyamorous relationships, the emotional component is the distinction between poly and "swinging" or "casual sex" (some people prefer the word "romantic", but I consider friends-with-benefits to be an "emotional" but "non-romantic" form of a polyamorous relationship - it's minutiae such as this that different folks have different requirements as to what "counts" as polyamorous).

This absolutely does not mean you aren't welcome to participate here. Unless, of course, it's important for you to feel as if you're among "likeminded company", or whatever makes your clock tick. I'm not trying to persuade you to think a certain thing or feel a certain way or convince you to do something because i say so. I'm expecting people to not appreciate the way I said things in this post because it isn't wrapped up in tissue-paper and a silk ribbon tied up in a bow sprinkled with fairy dust and unicorn farts. So if you wait a little while, someone else probably brought something like that with them and they will be more than happy to share it with you.

:cool:

SchrodingersCat 02-18-2013 05:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BoringGuy (Post 184937)
sprinkled with fairy dust

Not even a dollop of fairy dust?

BoringGuy 02-18-2013 06:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat (Post 185142)
Not even a dollop of fairy dust?

Do you realize how many fairies would have to be killed to harvest even HALF a dollop of fairy dust? It just ain't worth it to me. Let someone else do the dirty work.

kdt26417 02-19-2013 03:06 AM

Re (from soleilselene, Post #4):
Quote:

"Also the point that I am keeping this from my husband (with his permission, because he wants it this way) might rub some polies wrong."
Sounds like DADT (Don't Ask, Don't Tell). It's not a generally recommended practice, but I reckon it works for some folks, and it sounds like it works for you.

Polyamory does as a rule have to do with emotional and/or romantic relationships. Perhaps the guys you are seeing are friends with benefits?

I don't personally have any problem with your participation here, as long as you want to participate. If there's any thoughts or advice I can give that would help, let me know.

Kevin

Tonberry 02-19-2013 10:03 AM

Feel free to participate. Some people here are not just poly, but also swingers, or having casual sex, and could relate to your situation even if you,re not emotionally connected.


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