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-   -   Help, anyone? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=40716)

buttercup 02-16-2013 02:16 AM

Help, anyone?
So, I got introduced to polyamory about a month and a half back. It's still new to the couple I am involved with and super new to me. So far everything is going as good as it should, I think? We've had a few kinks before but we worked it out. As I was talking to one of them today, a strange feeling came over me, and I'm not sure if anyone can relate.

I realized I knew someone that he knew. I brought it up and I got an auto "well they can't know about it". I understand its new to all of us but in a way...it's kind of a slap to my face. Like oh you can come over, sleep in my bed, have a relationship with me, but you have to remain hidden. Like I'm just more like a sex toy in a way....

ThatGirlInGray 02-16-2013 02:58 AM

"can't know"...what? That you know each other? That you're friends (good friends, close friends, whatever)? Or that you fuck each other?

Because the first two should be fine for others to know. I don't hide the existence of TGIB from my life. But only a few selected people know there's anything going on beyond "best friends", and frankly it's not really anyone else's business (besides my other partner(s), of course).

That said, my response probably would have been to look at him like he was crazy and say, "Well, DUH!!" or some other sarcastic response. "No shit, Sherlock" and "Gee, REALLY, cause I was gonna invite him over for a foursome" with my most withering look come to mind. Probably not helpful, sorry. I'd say the three of you probably need to sit down and get really clear on who can know what.

buttercup 02-16-2013 03:03 AM

Don't get me wrong. Yes, I don't want everyone to know. Yes, I don't want to tell everyone. But to a degree, I don't want to be completely hidden and feeling like I'm the "other woman". We all are good about talking about it and maintaining a harmonious balance about everything.

kdt26417 02-16-2013 03:52 AM

It does sound like you need to have a sit-down, the three of you, and discuss wants and expectations with respect to "coming out" or "staying in the closet." Who can be told and why? Who shouldn't be told and why not?

As the "add-on to a married couple," I am technically in your position, so I sympathize with you. We are basically in the closet, so my two companions are known to everyone as "the married couple" and I am known as "the friend."

This was really hard for me to take in the early years of our poly relationship. It's not that I felt they were ashamed of me, it's that I wasn't allowed to show any public displays of affection to the lady of our ensemble. I had to act like "just the friend."

The perhaps disappointing news is that I just got used to it after awhile. It started to matter less to my what family/friends thought, and more what transpired in the walls of our own home. I have gone through several phases the last seven years. The current phase is, "indifferent about a bunch of things." I don't know if that's good news or not.

Still it would be nice if we could come out someday. I am waiting on my companions on that, since they are the ones who will catch #=!! from their families when they do come out. I may catch #=!! from my family but I am, :), indifferent about it.

You need to tell your companions that being "in the closet" is making you feel like "the dirty little secret." Try to negotiate and compromise and decide if there are a few people you can tell at least.

I don't think they mean to put you down. They are just scared of the repercussions of coming out. (And there will be repercussions.)

Hang in there, and talk this through with them a little at a time.

Kevin T.

Anneintherain 02-16-2013 04:51 AM

Hmm I can see agreeing not to tell people who are their coworkers or uncle or something, but if it was a mutual friend, I would probably hastily exit the relationship - I would not want to feel like I had to live a lie of omission from people who I cared about.

I hope you do have a clear discussion about it and figure out if their terms for privacy are ones you can live with.

SchrodingersCat 02-16-2013 05:43 AM

It's one thing for them to decide which of their friends and family they tell about what's going on in their lives. But frankly, they have no right to control which of your friends and family you tell about what's going on in your life.

I know people who have left otherwise happy relationships over not wanting to be a dirty little secret, and I can relate. I would never date someone who tried to keep me in the closet.

It's not that I can't understand their position. More that this is one of those things that is best to discuss before you really get involved to the point that there's "something to tell." When you get romantically involved with someone, the natural tendency is to sing your happiness to the world. If someone intends you to do otherwise, they ought to tell you at the beginning.

So then the question is, what do you do about it going forwards? Given that you now know they're planning to keep you a secret from everyone they know, including mutual acquaintances, are you willing to continue the relationship on that basis?

Also, please visit and direct them to this link. It will bring up some other points that you all need to discuss -- better to get it out in the open now rather than wait.

buttercup 02-16-2013 01:17 PM

Thank you everyone. I did go to that link provided in the last reply, and thank you Kevin. You seem to have helped the most.

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