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-   -   16 yr. old daughter upset by polyamory (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4066)

Jodi 10-25-2010 02:07 AM

16 yr. old daughter upset by polyamory
my son figured out that there was a good possiblility that i was having a physical relationship... and i know an emotional one as well, w/ the husband of my good friend. she has not wanted to be involved physically for a few months now.

my daughter, age 16 and i had a great morning together. out of nowhere, i yelled while she was learning to drive...she started crying, called me slut. i was shocked...i felt bad for her, that her feelings were hurt. also, mad as i told her, it is my body and i've been unhappy for too many years in a monogomous terrible relationship that ihave the right to be happy. she's young, doesn't understand. she also knows that her father and i participated in swinging. she was crying, "why can't i have normal parents".

she was very upset. i thought she may not talk to me for a while, but she did & we made plans to go shopping for shoes for her. but, i just wonder. in her mind, she is put upon by my divorce 2 her father, and now, my relationship w/ my lover....which is noones, and not even her business.

thanks for reading:(

redpepper 10-25-2010 06:07 AM

Oh that is so too bad and sad... I hope she comes around. It's so confusing at that age. hormones all over, not knowing what ones body is telling them and what to do with the feelings. And how could ones MOTHER be sexual. So much to learn and so much to talk about. I hope it was an experience that was a catalyst for change for her and therefore you... a door to talk about it. I think if she were my child I would seize the moment and see if I could keep her talking. It sounds like all kinds of good conversations could come out of just telling her that you are willing to talk about anything she is wondering about sex and relationships.

ray 10-25-2010 06:12 AM

I know when I was 16, the idea of my parents as sexual beings was just repulsive and terrifying. Eventually, I got over that and now my parents long term lack of healthy sexual expression makes me sad, instead of relieved. It sounds like that would be really hard but I'm sure she won't think that way forever. Hopefully, in the mean time, you guys have some really deep talks.

FitChick 10-25-2010 11:41 AM

My partners children(13,11 and 8) have not been specifically told about their Dad's polyamory but they are aware of the emotional connection he has with their mother,the friendship he has with his ex girlfriend(and their baby) and that I am his girlfriend. He is always honest with them and honestly it really is only his daughter(11) who asks the odd question.
It sounds like your daughter has had a big shock and needs time to adjust to your new lifestyle,that is normal and I would just reiterate to her that you will answer any questions she has as openly and honestly as you can.

KittensAngst 10-25-2010 01:56 PM

Time heals everything - eventually. At 16 I knew everything and nothing was going to change my mind. And yes the thought of my parents having a sexual relationship was horrifying, they were old and just...ewww. I think it was how I was raised, nudity was bad any kind of affection was bad. I raised my kids totally opposite, if they wander into my room while I'm dressing we don't make a huge deal of it whatever they came to see me about is dealth with and we all move on. Hugs and kisses are the best thing ever (my oldest remains affectionate to this day - he gets upset when he doesn't get his morning hug and kiss). I've always been open and honest about sex with them. Any questions they asked were answered truthfully. It's worked out in the end. My oldest son who is 17 is fine with my relationship with J. My 13 year old, well not so much. But, he's always been a bit more "clingy" than his brother. I think he's afraid of the changes that have happened. Both my boys have known J for some time 3 years at least so that helped some. I just try to be as supportive as I can to my youngest show him that I still love him and that nothing between us has changed and I'll love him no matter what. He seems to be coming around but only time will tell.

Just tell her that you love her and then prove it to her. Be as honest as possible and giver her the time she needs to find her way.

GroundedSpirit 10-25-2010 03:07 PM

Tough situation
Hey Jodi,

Yeppers, that's a hard bridge to cross - but maybe now IS the good time. At 16 she's ready to start forming her own sexual identity and what she sees/experiences will become part of that. As parents, we want that identity to be a healthy one ! In most cases, more healthy than our own was :)

When we hit that point with our kids (we had boys & girls) the jist of the explanation went something like this.......

1> Sex and love are normal parts of being human
2> What you see portrayed in the public eye (media, exposed society etc) is often VERY different than reality.
3> The rule has always been that sex/love has been a private affair and therefore the 'truth' of this side of people seldom reaches the light. Nothing taking place in our love lives is new or perverted - only hidden. It is NOT that uncommon as you may think. And it's a personal choice.
4> It's in our nature as humans to care about many people. Restricting that too much can make you a cold, indifferent person. But HOW you choose to express that caring has to be balanced with knowledge and experience.

That's the general direction of discussion. The particular individuals involved will guide the depth of the discussion - as will timing.
It also can be good to provide some reference/reading material discussing alternatives to love & relationships. This generation of kids are not as naive as most of us were at that age. They are exposed to more than we think. Unfortunately much of that information is incomplete at best and total fallacy at worst. Give them CORRECT information - from reliable sources - and expect them to base their understanding and actions on that :)

And remind them that the pursuit of happiness - in a safe and kind/considerate way - is a big part of the human experience.


Jodi 10-25-2010 06:30 PM

thank u all for responding. i told her i loved her very much. for the first time i didn't feel the need to cry when we had confrontation...we've been thru a lot, emotionally. wwell, u know how teens can be. drama drama drama.

i can just wait and see how she develops. but, as for talking about it, she never wants to talk about sex or boyfriends or anything. i can't be something i'm not, how she wants me to b in her mold of perfect. monogomous, big house, look pretty.

have a good day.

redpepper 10-25-2010 08:03 PM

Have you seen the link on my blog? Its in the "life stories and blogs" section in "redpeppers journey". I think you might like it. I posted it last night, so its not far from the last page.

SchrodingersCat 10-26-2010 03:44 AM

16 year olds are inherently unstable, sort of like radioactive material. You know there's a good probability they're going to explode any minute, and it's completely impossible to predict just when.

You're her mom and she's a teenager. It's pretty much impossible to get through those 10 years without a few blow-ups here and there, and many of them are about nothing in particular.

No teenager has "normal parents" :P What the heck are normal parents, anyway? That sounds boring ;) And if you were normal, you'd eventually take flak for being "too normal" and therefore dull. It's a no-win situation!

It sounds like you have a good relationship overall. I would personally steer clear of the "it's none of your business" line, because personally I think that's false. She lives with you, your life and your choices and your actions very intimately affect her life, and that makes it her business.

I assume you want to know who she's involved with, and the best way to set that up is to show her the same respect. She looks up to you for clues on how to act and how a grown-up ought to behave. It's better to explain openly about why you make the choices you make, and let her feel involved in your life and relevant in your decisions.

redpepper 10-26-2010 05:45 AM

Very good point SC.

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