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-   -   He's poly, he loves me, but ... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=40656)

FluffyKitten 02-14-2013 09:24 PM

He's poly, he loves me, but ...
A friend introduced me to this guy (let's call him A) and we hit it off pretty well. I found him really, really cute right from the beginning but I also knew from early on that he has a boyfriend (B). After his company's Christmas party he stayed at my place (because, you know, don't drink and drive) and that was when he told me that B is actually his first boyfriend and he had girlfriends before. He also told me that he's poly and that he and B have an open relationship.
I'll try to make a long story short: I told him I have a crush on him and he told me that right now he doesn't have feelings for me, but we should see where it leads us. Later he told me that he has feelings for me. About two days later he told me that if he had met me earlier than his boyfriend, we would be in a relationship now instead of him and B.
At some point he told me that B could imagine having sex with me, despite being "90% gay", and when I spent the night with them about three weeks ago, B initiated a threesome. About a week ago I spent the night with B and it wasn't exactly pg-13 either.
I had a fight with A a few days after I stayed at B's place and at the end A told me that he loves me... (B only told me that he likes me.) And he also told me again that if a relationship were about different things, he would be together with me instead of B.
Today I spent the afternoon with A and we started teasing each other. He told me that I was crazy (I can't remember anymore why he said that). "Yeah, but you like me anyways." He hugged me close, then, and told me, "on the contrary, I love you."
And I don't really know what to do. I don't want to take A away from B, because I'm not that type of girl. (And doing that would hurt B and I like B way too much for that.)
I told A once that I can get a bit possessive and jealous, although I tried not to show it when it comes to him. (He has another guy he sees and that stings a bit, especially since he calls their relationship 'romance' but doesn't want to put a name/label/whatever on our relationship.) And he often reminds me that we're not in a relationship. So it feels a bit like my possessiveness is the reason for that...
And I also don't know what to make out of B's behavior. He never said he was poly and apart from the "I could imagine making out with her" and "I like you a lot" never said anything concerning his feelings.

I know I should talk to them, probably separately, but this whole thing confuses me completely. I don't know if I should just ask B for his feelings and ask A if he wants a relationship with me or if I should just talk about this feelings-problem-thingy first.
I'm grateful for any kind of advice you can give me, because I'm totally new to this.

Emm 02-15-2013 06:01 AM

Do you want to be in a relationship with A, a relationship with A and B, or just to know where you stand?

In my opinion talking to A would be your best first step once you've worked out exactly what you want. If it's options 1 or 3 you're after, there's no real reason to involve B in the conversation at this stage. If you're after option 2 and it turns out that A is interested in the idea then you'd need to talk to B, but there's no point otherwise.

Keep in mind that A may only be interested in a FWB or FB relationship and the answer could be "No". By the sound of it he's never given you any promises of more. Whatever you do, don't agree to something you don't want in the hope of changing the rules later on.

Marcus 02-16-2013 04:14 PM


Originally Posted by FluffyKitten (Post 184582)
He also told me that he's poly


Originally Posted by FluffyKitten (Post 184582)
About two days later he told me that if he had met me earlier than his boyfriend, we would be in a relationship now instead of him and B.

These two statements confuse me greatly. If he's poly he doesn't have to pick between you and B. It sounds to me that you are not the only person here who doesn't know what is going on.

Emm is right on:
Decide what it is you honestly want to get out of this
Communicate with the appropriate person(s)
Manage your expectations

Be not only honest in your communication, but precise:

"I love you and want this to go somewhere"

Is nowhere near as helpful as...

"I love you and want to be exclusive with you. I want this to have long term potential" (if that's true)

kdt26417 02-16-2013 06:16 PM

Well this definitely warrants a sit-down, with A and I think with B just so you know where both of those guys stand. Think a lot about what your feelings are too, and where you would like this to go (depending on how the guys feel).

There is a potential poly relationship here, but first everyone needs to get their true feelings on the table, and clear up any confusion. Emm and Marcus are both right in their posts too.

I hope things go really well for you; I am keeping my fingers crossed.

Kevin T.

iluvawhooty810 02-17-2013 09:39 AM

90% gay?
Have u an a, b hung out? Even

FluffyKitten 02-17-2013 10:59 PM

Firstly, sorry that my response is a bit late, I had a pretty busy last few days. ^^;

Firstly, I want to know where I stand. A relationship with A would be nice, but to be honest, I don't have my hopes very high for that. And while I like B a lot, I am not sure if my feelings would be enough for a relationship with him at the moment.
He said that he could imagine a future with me, whatever that looked like, but that can mean so many different things...

Sometimes, I think that he equals an open relationship with being poly. (I know that a poly-relationship can be an open relationship, but not every open relationship is a poly-relationship, right?)
And exclusive... I don't know. I don't want him to break up with B, or give up this fling-thing he has with this other guy if he can give him something I can't (that being true doesn't mean it can't hurt)... Maybe gender-exclusive, if that makes sense? Like, he can make out with other guys, but (preferably) not with other girls? Yeah, probably doesn't make any sense...
I never have been in any relationship that wasn't exclusive, so this is totally new for me. Although a few years back I thought about how this whole concept could/might apply to me.

Thanks. :)
Although I'm afraid that A still says something noncommital and B is as confused by this whole thing as I am. I might be wrong, though.

Yeah, that's what A said about B. I guess he means that B is bisexual but prefers guys. (Cause it didn't feel like no attraction those nights...)
And yes, we did hang out. All three of us and separately. Although I don't hang out with B as often as I would like.

I'm not sure if anything of what I wrote makes any sense. I'm still trying to figure my feelings out and this whole poly-thing is new to me, too...

jmk 02-17-2013 11:07 PM

this whole poly thing is new to many people, even those who have lived the life for years, because we are trend setter and rule breakers. each relationship is different and it's whatever works for the three of you. it will take a great amount of communication, honest communication. if one or both of the boys aren't willing to do that, it's not going to work.

kdt26417 02-18-2013 07:10 AM

You may have to put A and B in the "friend zone" for awhile, or just go really, really slow. Neither one of them seems to be ready to decide what they want out of this relationship.

If they do get ready to decide, have a good long chat with them.

trioseeking 02-19-2013 09:02 AM

the best will be to talk with both of them together (A & B) and let them suggest what they wants...

MeeraReed 02-19-2013 11:03 PM

How old are all of you, if I may ask?

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