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KittensAngst 10-24-2010 11:26 PM

Just starting the journey
 
Hello all, like many others I've been lurking for a bit and finally decided to say hello.

Bit about "us" Married for 19 years, 2 teenage children. Our marriage was in a not so good place. No communication just the same thing everyday. Frightening because it was the same rut that I saw (and still see) my parents slowly slip into as time went on (40 years in March). I watched them almost tear themselves apart due to what I felt was just their normal routine day after day, year after year. I saw my in-laws marriage fail because of my former father in laws infidelities. We were headed somewhere I didn't want to go.

I've always felt that I "love too much" and sometimes I suspected that I was drowning M (hubby) in too much affection. M is very quiet, very reserved; I on the other hand am the exact opposite. I've always felt that there was something missing, not necessarily with M, but with me (he's always appeared to me to be content with the way things were in our lives other than me smothering him). I've felt for a long time that perhaps our problems had more to do with me than him. We have the same problems every couple has of course, but for a long time I felt as if I was asking too much from M. More than he was emotionally able to give me.

We're both pagan and have many friends that are in very happy poly relationships, I have family members (aunt and uncle and his girlfriend) who seem to be living in bliss and have been for over 20 years - although I didn't know about this for many years. These relationships never seemed odd to me or strange in anyway, everyone was healthy and happy and therefore in my eyes were wonderful examples of what love was and what a relationship could be like. I never imagined that it would happen to me. M and I have talked many times about "what if's" and I knew that if something were to ever happen that M would be alright with it as we've always had a open relationship.

And then, I met J. Gentle, loving and with a smile that just lights up his entire face. I denied to myself how he made me feel for a very long time. I kept coming up with reasons why I should just keep my distance and not say a word about how I felt even though I felt like it was tearing me apart. Our age (he's 17 years my junior), the fact that hes in Washington state and I'm in Colorado. He came (finally) to visit with us in September and I was very careful to not be alone with him as much as possible for fear that I might say or do something that would endanger what we had. I felt that if all we would ever be were close friends then I should be grateful for at least having him in my life that much. However fate has a way sometimes of showing us whats right. Once we finally admitted to each other how we felt there was no going back for either of us. Now I have beautiful relationships with 2 very loving men. I'm feeling my way though this as we go along.

Our relationship is different from other poly's that I've seen (most pagan polys are 2 women 1 man - figures I'd have to be different :) I dunno if what we are even qualifies as poly, the acronyms are just still to new to me. My relationships with M and J are separate from each other, I just hope they can become friends as time goes on, they get along well right now for which I am thankful. I have no idea whats "normal" at this point. I'm just trying to get through each day as best as I can. I miss J terribly as he is back in Washington for the moment, but plans are in motion to get him out here (or me to him) as often as finances will allow. We've been talking about merging into one household that seems to be the biggest hurdle right now. And it's mostly timing and money related things that have yet to be crossed.

Since J and I have started our relationship things with M have improved tremendously. M says I'm happier than I've been in years and I suspect that he also felt that there was something he wasn't able to give me in our relationship as well. He says that J provides what he couldn't and finally I am whole.

Anyway that's pretty much us in a nutshell. Hope I didn't bore anyone :D Am glad I found all of you and a place where I didn't feel as if I was breaking some "invisible" rule about loving 2 men, when outside my door I know just how mean some people can be in regards to things that are outside of what they consider to be normal.

MrX 10-25-2010 01:57 AM

Yay!!! I get to be the first to welcome you!!

Welcome to the forum.

I'm really new here too (see my introduction just a couple below yours in this section), and also new to the open relationship thing, so I'll refrain from trying to give any advice. But It sounds like you are on the right track. I'm a big believer in taking your time at first, and of course keeping everything complete upfront, open and above all, honest.

Welcome to the neighborhood!!! Here... I baked you some cyber polyamourous cookies.

Woo-Hoo!! I love being the welcome wagon!

KittensAngst 10-25-2010 01:59 AM

Thank you MrX hope MrsX is doing well and ty for the cookies!


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