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-   -   Husband told me he loves me & somebody else (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=40631)

confusedangel 02-14-2013 11:24 AM

Husband told me he loves me & somebody else
 
My husband and I have been together for 10 years and Married for 8. We have no children together, though I have 3 children myself (18, 15 and 12)

When we first got together I was a perfectly healthy 27 year old female. Over the past 10 years I'v been diagnosed with Graves disease and have become a shadow of my former self. I can't walk to well these days and because of that there is a lot of housework and things I don't do.

My children don't live with us, My oldest did until he turned 18 last year, but now he and a buddy live together. So it's just myself and my husband. 4 years ago my husband lost his job and became long term unemployed, we eventually during that time had to move across country back to where family was and we lived with my parents for 8 months, then he finally found work and for the last year we've been back in our own place. For a while I felt like our relationship had lost intimacy but I attributed it to the stress from unemployment and I thought it would get better once we got back in our own place. When we moved I tried to get more sexually active with him and bring back some of our romance. The Sex is very difficult for me because of the pain I have to deal with. I have tried talking to him about these problems but though he claimed to understand he never seemed to put in any effort into revitalizing our relationship.

About 4 months ago he re-united with a childhood friend, I've talked to her and she seems like a really nice person. But well yesterday (or does it still count as today, I'm not really sure as I haven't been to sleep yet). He was complaining about his phone battery being almost dead by the time he got off work, and it should last longer. I'm a tech geek girl, I live for gadgets, devices and computers. I've even built my own. So anyway I tell him to let me see it, so I can tweak it and possibly make the battery last longer. That's when I saw them, two text messages where they both told each other that they loved each other. Now I trust/trusted my husband and up until now he had always been very open and honest with me. So I calmly asked him why he was telling ***** he loved her, expecting a rational explanation. Well at first he said Well I do care about her. Then he started talking about how he felt she would be good for me and I was like "Wait, What???" Then he clarified he was talking about a poly-amorous relationship. Now don't get me wrong I'm generally a very open minded person and honestly I've had sexual relationships with woman in the past as well as men, both alone and threesomes. But never in a million years did I ever consider doing the poly thing. Especially right now while my self esteem is VERY VERY low because of my illness.

He told me that If he never talks to this woman again it would hurt him and that would hurt us because he would be stressed and unhappy and he wouldn't be able to forgive me. I'm dumbstruck. I love this man and I want him to happy. Don't get me wrong I'm not completely ruling out poly at all for my entire life, but right now emotionally and mentally I'm nowhere near in a place where I feel secure in our marriage to explore something like this. I'm just so confused and so hurt,mostly by the deception of him not telling me and being honest with me. He claims he was trying to figure out the best way to tell me. I don't know I'm just so very very confused.

learninginTN 02-14-2013 08:00 PM

Welcome to the forums. First of all, let me say I am so, so sorry about your illness. And I am so, so sorry for what your husband has done.

There will be other, more experiened veterans along shortly to help you. I can only offer my perspective, which is only an opinion.

Your husband has cheated on you. This is not polyamory. This is him attempting to cover his tracks and justify his deceipt, betrayal of trust, and total disregard for your feelings. And then he has the nerve to say if you ask him not to see her it will hurt him? I'm a little sick to my stomach right now, and I don't even know you guys.

But I've been cheated on before. It hurt. It hurt a lot. A lot of nights crying myself to sleep and wondering why. Losing 20 pounds because of a total loss of appetite. Depression medication. It took a lot of therapy and a lot of changing of behavior on my spouse's part to get through it.

Here is what I required of spouse: 1) No more contact. At all. Except an email to her affair partner (that I approved) saying not to contact her anymore. 2) Marriage counselling. 3) complete transparency for a time, including letting me access all emails, texts, etc. and letting me know where she is at all times. 4) Reading several books together with me our counsellor had picked out for us. 5) Answering any question I had about the details of the affair.

My spouse did all of these things, and our marriage improved. I also took the optional step of contacting the affair partner's fiance and letting her know everything I knew. We regained much of the trust that she had betrayed, improved our communication skills, and came out stronger.

Now, I'm not saying you should necessarily pursue my path. That's up to you. But if you want to salvage your marriage, don't even think of polyamory right now. That can only come after a stable relationship consisting of openness and honesty, and after many, many thoughtful discussions of bringing someone else into your lives. Do not let him rationalize his way out of his reprehensible behavior. Hold him responsible for his actions.

I'm not saying that you have been a perfect spouse, or can't do things to improve the relationship. We can all become better partners. But he alone is responsible for his choices.

Take care of yourself. Drink lots of water, try to sleep if you can, and please see a doctor if the feelings become overwhelming for you. And please, post here often. It's therapeutic.

confusedangel 02-14-2013 10:04 PM

The thing is, this person is in Georgia, we're in Ohio, so physically I know for a fact they have never done anything together. But emotionally I feel so hurt and drained. It's killing me and really I'm just so, so confused. I don't think I've ever felt so alone as I do right now.

SNeacail 02-14-2013 10:42 PM

MARRIAGE COUNSELING!

So this has all been a long distance, internet, text and/or telephone affair? He may not quite see it the same way you do. My husband had convinced himself that it wasn't cheating because there was no physical contact. There are lots of options once you guys can get past the cheating thing, but that should be the first order of business - Repair your marriage, then discuss changing the dynamic of the marriage. It sounds like you guys have needed some intervention for some time.

confusedangel 02-15-2013 06:12 AM

So he says he loves me and he wants to make our marriage work. I told him he couldn't talk to her anymore. I told him that if he ever loved me He would be willing to not talk to her for at least while and give our marriage a chance to be repaired before I could ever even consider something like this, and he said he would.

He didn't know it, but I was logged into his Facebook at the same time as him when we was going to talk to her about it (we have separate computers) and though I didn't want to spy, I needed to know what exactly his thoughts were without him censoring himself because he knew I was over his shoulder. I did tell him immediately afterwards that I'd been reading their whole conversation and it's a good thing too because he deleted it.

(forgive me I'll try to be as accurate as possible as I'm writing all this from memory)

For ease of writing I'm going to refer to them in the following manner
H= Husband
M = her
CA = Me

H: "CA found Our text messages and she was very upset. CA says she was more upset about the deceit.
M: "CA was right to be upset, I have no desire to take her husband". While I want this to happen at some point CA has to be ok with it"
H: "So let me ask you a question"
M: "ok"
H: "So it's all three of us or nothing?"
no response for a bit....
H: "so if things didn't work out with Me and her would you still want to be with me".
M: "I'm not going to be the cause of your marriage breaking up"
H: "well we've been having problems for a while now so if it didn't work out it wouldn't be because of you"
M: "Oh well I didn't know that you didn't tell me that. So you wanted to have your cake and eat it too?
H: "No I'm just saying that if things don't work because well they weren't meant to be would you still want to be with me?"
M: Well if it just didn't work out then maybe we could work on something slowly".
H: "How much do you love me?"
M: "I love you very much
H: "Well CA says she wants me to back off for a while and spend some time working on our marriage"
M: "That's probably a very good idea, you need to remember why you married in the first place"
H: "ok then so it will probably be a while before you hear from me. goodbye my love"

A few more things were said but at this point I was so fuming over watching my husband tell another woman he loved her that I just got up and walked away from the computer. I mean to me all this whole conversation says is that he's only backing off because he thinks that somewhere down the road there might be a chance to bring her into our lives. I've told him I made no promises, I've told him That I may never consider doing something like this.

I'm on such an emotional roller-coaster right now, one moment I'm ok and the next I'm crying and yet still again after that I'm angry. I just feel so hurt and betrayed, I mean because of other bad relationships in my life going including my parents I already had issues trusting people. I had finally found someone that I could trust and that I thought would never hurt or deceive me and yet he did. He still says he loves her. I honestly don't know what to think about that. How can you love somebody you've not even been in the same room with in over 30 years??? yet still He cried he told me if he didn't want me he would have just packed up and left he said he's staying because he loves me.... I'm sooo very confused

And thank you guys, thank you so much for listening to me.

learninginTN 02-15-2013 02:58 PM

Almost all people who have been hurt by affairs will tell you that what hurt worst is not the knowledge of the sex, but the lying, the covering of tracks, and the betrayal of trust. That's why these emotional affairs (EA) are every bit as bad, even worse, than physical affairs (PA). Although quite often an EA will become a PA when given the right cirmumstances.

It really sucks, and hurts a lot. I hope you will hold him accountable and really work on your marriage and only investigate polyamory when you guys have made major strides in your relationship. Keep us posted on what happens. We're all rooting for you guys.

nycindie 02-15-2013 03:42 PM

I just want to let you know that my sister was diagnosed with Graves Disease several years back. She had a really rough time of it for years - hardly able to exert herself, tired all the time, falling asleep at her desk at work, overly emotional at the smallest slight, etc., but she kept up with seeing her doctor and adjusting meds to regulate her thyroid. She also had eye surgery. Now I can happily say she's been in remission for about three years now. Just wanted to share that with you.

confusedangel 02-15-2013 03:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 184722)
I just want to let you know that my sister was diagnosed with Graves Disease several years back. She had a really rough time of it for years - hardly able to exert herself, tired all the time, falling asleep at her desk at work, overly emotional at the smallest slight, etc., but she kept up with seeing her doctor and adjusting meds to regulate her thyroid. She also had eye surgery. Now I can happily say she's been in remission for about three years now. Just wanted to share that with you.

Thank you, I know that you can treat it, however in my situation, at the time I/we had no insurance and so I wasn't seeing a doctor and by the time I did see a doctor and was diagnosed, I had already developed some lasting and irreversible side effects due to being untreated and undiagnosed. The muscle deterioration has made it it almost impossible for me walk for any long period of time, as well I have a permanent arrhythmia in my heart. So while I know we can treat the bulk of my medical issues, there are some that will probably be with me for the rest of life according to my doctors.


So he says he loves me and he wants to make our marriage work. I told him he couldn't talk to her anymore. I told him that if he ever loved me He would be willing to not talk to her for at least while and give our marriage a chance to be repaired before I could ever even consider something like this, and he said he would.
He didn't know it, but I was logged into his Facebook at the same time as him when we was going to talk to her about it (we have separate computers) and though I didn't want to spy, I needed to know what exactly his thoughts were without him censoring himself because he knew I was over his shoulder. I did tell him immediately afterwards that I'd been reading their whole conversation and it's a good thing too because he deleted it.
(forgive me I'll try to be as accurate as possible as I'm writing all this from memory)
For ease of writing I'm going to refer to them in the following manner H= Husband M = her A = Me
H: "A found Our text messages and she was very upset. A says she was more upset about the deceit.
M: "A was right to be upset, I have no desire to take her husband". While I want this to happen at some point A has to be ok with it"
H: "So let me ask you a question"
M: "ok"
H: "So it's all three of us or nothing?"
no response for a bit....
H: "so if things didn't work out with Me and her would you still want to be with me".
M: "I'm not going to be the cause of your marriage breaking up"
H: "well we've been having problems for a while now so if it didn't work out it wouldn't be because of you"
M: "Oh well I didn't know that you didn't tell me that. So you wanted to have your cake and eat it too?
H: "No I'm just saying that if things don't work because well they weren't meant to be would you still want to be with me?"
M: Well if it just didn't work out then maybe we could work on something slowly".
H: "How much do you love me?"
M: "I love you very much
H: "Well A says she wants me to back off for a while and spend some time working on our marriage"
M: "That's probably a very good idea, you need to remember why you married in the first place"
H: "ok then so it will probably be a while before you hear from me. goodbye my love"
A few more things were said but at this point I was so fuming over watching my husband tell another woman he loved her that I just got up and walked away from the computer. I mean to me all this whole conversation says is that he's only backing off because he thinks that somewhere down the road there might be a chance to bring her into our lives. I've told him I made no promises, I've told him That I may never consider doing something like this.
I'm on such an emotional roller-coaster right now, one moment I'm ok and the next I'm crying and yet still again after that I'm angry. I just feel so hurt and betrayed, I mean because of other bad relationships in my life going including my parents I already had issues trusting people. I had finally found someone that I could trust and that I thought would never hurt or deceive me and yet he did. He still says he loves her. I honestly don't know what to think about that. How can you love somebody you've not even been in the same room with in over 30 years??? yet still He cried he told me if he didn't want me he would have just packed up and left he said he's staying because he loves me.... I'm sooo very confused
And thank you guys, thank you so much for listening to me.


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