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-   -   considering married BF (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4054)

natalie 10-23-2010 02:41 AM

considering married BF
OK. I've been lurking around and I like the discussions on here so I would really like to try to get some insight or comments from you guys.

A lot of posts I see are already married people, in established relationships considering something/working through something.

What if you're the new person though?

I'm in my 20s but I kind of have 'little' experience with dating. I've been in a non-physical relationship with someone for a few years (basically, we were best friends but he just really really wanted the label of BF) and we broke up a few months ago. So I've had a very boring past. Now I've really fallen for this guy that is married (and open).

He's been in an open marriage for a long time, but claims now, he wants it to just be me and his wife.

A lot of my hesitance is that I don't believe you can go from a "free" life to controlling yourself (if he's used to hooking up with whoever he wants at parties or during traveling..) how can he keep it to just 2 people? Especially if we'll only see eachother a few times a year (and that's being hopeful)

And he's also just.. really physical (from what I gather hes been in group situations, 4somes, says he's a voyeur etc) And I'm reeeeeeally inexperienced. I'm afraid the new physical things added onto to knowledge that we're not "really together" will be too much for me.

His wife has a "bf," yet he is married and they don't see eachother often. I text my friend everyday, and if we don't for a few hours- its a bit strange and he has even commented he feels bad when he doesnt talk to me much during our day.

This guy says his dream is for us to live together- I'm not sure I can do that much. But because of how much I like him, and its torturing me not being able to hang out, I could see myself at least moving closer to him (just living on my own)

BUT I have not met his wife yet, I might soon, however it will probably be brief. I am visiting him, but she just happened to have a lot of things going on that weekend she cant change.

Sometimes I feel a twinge of jealousy when he talks about her, sometimes I am intrigued about being in his life with her.. but I've never dealt with this before, and I know thinking about it will be different than actually interacting with the 2 of them.

Right now its mostly talk. He calls me his girlfriend, but I dont really feel like it. I worry that when I visit him, physical things will happen before I find out if I am ok being his "second person." Since his wife won't be around much for me to see how a life hanging out with them would go.

Should I hold off on being physical? I'm afraid it will just make me fall for him way more than I can deal with, being long distance, and knowing and I can't talk about "my boyfriend" with anyone, and being bummed I am so far while he lives with his wife.

Because I am so worried, does this mean a poly relationship is not for me?
Does anyone have stories of when they FIRST started. What should you not do in the beginning? I am so worried I'm not what he wants, or his wife won't like me, or I will just be overwhelmed with awkward, hurt, or worry =/

Also, have any of you gone from an open relationship (anyone, anytime, etc, enjoying the variety of people you can be with) to stopping and committing to two people? Did you miss a larger-open life? I don't understand how someone can be used to having permission to be with whoever and then want to stop to be with just 2 people. (especially if one isnt near him enough to fullfill whatever he wants)

Thanks for reading, really hoping for some opinions and your own experiences if they relate!

ray 10-23-2010 03:10 AM

Hi Natalie,

I, myself, am a 'new person.' I'm dating a man O, who's married to A. She's not dating anyone though. I also, am fairly inexperienced. In fact, he's my first relationship. He was also my first kiss. Luckily, we are not long distance. I'm not able to share it with a lot of people for various reasons. Which was especially hard in the throes of NRE of my first relationship. It's still not my favorite thing. But it works. I feel like we have a decent amount in common. :) Whether or not this relationship is what you want is something only you can decide. But I wouldn't let being inexperienced stop you from trying if it's a road you think is worth going down. It is wise, IMO, to be cautious about going to far to fast physically. Esp, when you haven't done much before. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be sure. And if he's a good guy, he'll understand you needing to go at whatever pace you are comfortable.

pancake 10-23-2010 03:44 AM

Natalie I don't have much advice, but you're definitely not alone. I'm pretty new to poly and the girlfriend (for lack of a better word) of a married couple (we're a triad, all together). I freak out A LOT, I wonder if I can handle it, everything you're talking about. But I do know that I love being around my couple (they're away from me right now and I'm miserable!) and that makes me want to continue, despite all the worries. I definitely don't think that being worried about it means it's not for you. If you're willing to work at the things that bug you, and you decide you want it, then I think this can work for you. I'd just say to be honest about it and hopefully your man (and hopefully, his wife) will be supportive. Try not to freak out and run off ;) I've done it a few times, it helps notadamnthing!!!

SourGirl 10-23-2010 04:42 AM

Yes, someone with more experience, can go from all those adventures, to settling down with just one/two/handful of people.

In poly, it is quite common, that people start out with a stage of exploration. They might first try swinging, or a open marriage. Maybe it doesn`t feel good, maybe it feels like something is missing. So they keep working at themselves, trying to figure out who they are, and what they need.

Many, find poly, and poly partners, and have that feeling of wanting to settle. It is a very natural feeling. It gives some people that sense of 'coming home'.

Same can happen in a monogamous relationship. Someone single may go out to the bar scene, and may party lots, chat lots, and carry on. Once they find 'the one',..they stop a lot of those behaviours.

The key is, in talking to your significant other, and asking some deeper questions, on why they feel this way. Someone who views their former experiences as part of 'the path' that led them to find what they really want, sounds quite in tune.

Someone who is offering to settle, just to please you and keep you....Well, that could be a different story all together.

Find out if the experiences were part of what that person believed was representative of them, or behaviours as they were learning about themselves. There is a definite difference. Good Luck.

natalie 10-23-2010 04:57 AM

Thanks. To the ones that replied saying they're with a married guy- what was it like meeting his wife the first time? I know she knows his past girls, and from things I've gathered they've all hung out with her BF. So i guess its normal to them. Just obviously not to me.

Thanks for the input superjast. It is interesting because my friend did at one point say something like, maybe he's just been hooking up with people to find that stronger connection or something. I can't remember the specific words he used but it did almost sound like a 'path' to find the second someone. He's said he wants to stop everything else because he didn't have enough of an emotional connection with others.

One, it still hard to believe he feels that connection with me, two the fact that he has an 'open' mentality makes me think he's just going to fall for a third girl and claim he really really loves her too. He says he won't let that or something, but I know first hand people can't help how they feel even if its not for the best... I have a one-focus mentality, as in, when i focus on someone/something, I focus on it. I could never have multiple relationships and I wouldnt be intrigued/tempted by casual relationships without that emotional stability/promise of a future.

I am afraid that him having a "poly mind" will just make him either emotionally fall for more and more girls, or not be able to stop himself physically when he wants someone.

I'm working on being ok with his wife because I'm just an add-on really.. I know she's first and I knew she was important to him from the beginning. But I told him I am not ok with him being with other girls or in the future wanting to add on someone after me...

Basically, he says all the right things- I just don't feel right in trusting it all.

ray 10-23-2010 05:32 AM

When I first met A, they were still engaged and he hadn't openly spoken of his desire to have a polyamorous relationship. We were fast becoming good friends and I sensed that we might become something more but I didn't know how. There was a group event and she came to meet us. I was pretty nervous even though we weren't dating. But she was really nice and we had a lot in common so it went well. I definitely felt a new sense of awkward when he and I started dating though. And she and I are both a bit shy. Still figuring it all out. All in all though, she and I get along well.

pancake 10-23-2010 05:39 AM

I think it's probably ok not to trust it right now, but give him a chance to prove it or prove otherwise...
I actually met H about a year before B, so I don't have any good advice there. We also all went "in" to this relationship at the same time, even though there was some different intentions at the beginning. Maybe try to think of meeting her like anyone else you meet. It'll get more "normal" to you the more you're around it.

redpepper 10-23-2010 05:52 AM

hi natalie, it sounds like your conscience is telling you something about this situation. I suggest you listen to it. I don't know what it might be, but if it doesn't seem right somehow then it seems to me that exploring that might be a really good idea... at least slowing everything down until that feeling changes one way or another.

I had a bit of a red flag when you talked about him moving you in. I wondered if perhaps he is the type that gets all caught up in the "idea" of something rather than the reality. Maybe this is his ultimate goal with SOMEone, but not necessarily you and he has projected this onto you. Perhaps he gets caught up in the fantasy or perhaps not... it sounds like it is too early to tell and therefore you have every right to be cautious. I wouldn't call it worry. Worry for me is for when I can't do anything about a situation right now, I am just thinking about it way too much, cautious seems to fit better to your situation because you are purposely waiting to see. Taking your time and letting it all unfold. Very good idea I think. I think you would be doing yourself a dis-service to not go at the pace that suits you the most.

there is a lot of info on these forums that might be helpful in terms of your other questions... a search for tags or looking in the stickies might help

Tonberry 10-23-2010 06:00 AM

I didn't go from "open" to "committed" in a poly relationship, but I did go from having casual sex with men to not having it at all, and "settling down" with my husband.
However, that's casual sex. I'm still poly, and still able to fall in love. And well, I hear people have different levels of "polysaturation", maybe his is two. That would mean that just like mono people have just one person, and new people would be considered, when he has the two of you in a committed way new people won't be considered.

However, I'm not sure how easy or possible it is to know your level of poly saturation. I'm in love with three people right now, and when I fell for the third one I freaked out, because I thought, two is one thing, but three? That's "too much!" (Don't ask me why I thought that. Baby steps I guess?)

I'm not saying he's not being sincere here. I'm just leery of "I won't fall in love" and things like that. Because I always think, how do you know? You can't control these things. You can only decide how you act. And setting you up for not being able to be with someone you love (a potential third) seems sad to me.

Would you feel terrible if he had another committed partner? And did he say he wouldn't? Maybe he just doesn't want to be casual again, and in that case I would trust him more easily because it's about actions. And maybe he got what he wanted out of going out, etc, and now doesn't have a need for any of that anymore.
If you guys ended up together in a committed relationship, and that a few years down the road he met someone, told you about her, and asked how you felt about it... Do you think you might be okay with it, or does it sound to you like it would be too painful?

I'm not saying that will happen, simply I'm wondering if your problem is only with going out and meeting lots of people and having casual encounters.

natalie 10-23-2010 06:15 AM


Originally Posted by Tonberry (Post 50048)
I'm just leery of "I won't fall in love" and things like that. Because I always think, how do you know? You can't control these things. You can only decide how you act.

That's exactly what I've said to him, but he always claims he's sure of everything in his life. I will probably ask about it again, but from what I can recall he said something like he won't "let" himself do it bc he won't be as open with other girls because he knows it would make me unhappy. And he's told me that if his wife was not ok with what he did, he wouldn't do it, so I guess he's trying to convince me that he would have the same care for me.

In the same thread, "how do you know?" I guess can be my same thought to 'if in a few years would I be ok with him adding on another person?'. Obviously I just can't know, but right now it sounds painful, right now I still feel a little "special" and I feel like I wouldn't feel that way if he had more people and it would hurt me.

Because of how our relationship as occurred- it doesnt make me feel special, it just makes me think he can have a relationship like this with any girl that likes him. This has moved really fast, we've literally only been talking 3 months, have met in person twice-ish, and he uses the l-word and talked about a future. Which bothers me too because he says he "loves" LOTS of people, but his love for me is stronger than with his other friends- but that still doesnt sit well with me if he just tells everyone he loves them, even if in his mind there are 'levels.'

It just feels shady and weird at how fast its gone, and how much he claims to care for me even though we havent seen eachother in person that much.

I also always tell him, I just feel like I'm one in a long line of girls he has/wants to hook up with and that's it. The "openess" of his (supposedly past now, according to him) sex life bothers me a lot, that things like that are not a big deal to him- and they are a huge deal to me.

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