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-   -   Heartbreak Yet Again. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=40500)

pandafish 02-12-2013 06:53 AM

Heartbreak Yet Again.
Hey everyone...I'm pandafish. Wrote an intro in the other thread.

Husband J. and I decided to explore poly last year. My secondary was a man N. I've known for nearly a decade, a longtime friend.

Our friendship through the years had platonic phases and benefit phases, depending on our involvement with others. We had good times, and bad times, times where we hurt each other, but we always reconnected in the end.

I care very deeply for N in a way that is beyond friendship but not "You're totally the primary partner for me." I never minded him being with other women at all, but I loved being with him.

Unfortunately, the whole poly thing blew up in my face. Turned out N was lying about many things: He told me he was frequently tested and disease free. Found out that was a lie.

N also forgot to mention that he was simultaneously involved with another woman and had been for sometime. He knew that a condition of being with me was he had to be honest about and to other partners.

After he broke my heart with his lies, I started to move on. My husband and I found out we were expecting around Christmas after battling secondary infertility and m/c.

Around New years N started texting me. At first I wasn't interested. Then I started to miss him and was responsive. I forgave him for his transgressions because I care more about him than his faults.

Flirting ensued. Friendship returned. Feelings came back. He was clearly interested and supportive too. Even last week, N was asking me to come over and saying how much he wanted to sleep with me.

Then today, N told me that he was now with some girl and not only could he not get involved with me, he was ending the friendship as well.

So, I'm devastated. I get the whole wanting to be monogamous (not his strong suit but whatever). What hurts is that he threw away years of friendship. But he did tell me that if things don't work out with her, we can probably be friends again. :(

I did not react well. I said horrible things out of hurt. I posted some mean words on his FB wall. Not my proudest moment. I don't handle rejection well.

My husband J. went and had a talk with N. tonight. Told him to stop torturing me with this yo yo on again off again stuff. J said I was a good person who didn't deserve to be repeatedly hurt by him. Reminded N of how much I cared about him, and how hurt I was that he dropped me as a friend, and that my heart was breaking over that. Apparently, all he kept saying was "I know. I'm sorry."

DH told him not to contact me if all he was going to do was play games with my heart and friendship like this. N. said ok.

And that's that. Am I poly? Or do I just love more than one? And why did I have to love someone who could crush my heart without a thought?

opalescent 02-12-2013 05:28 PM

I am sorry you are dealing with this loss. It is so hard when people don't live up to what we know is possible for them. Sometimes the people we love behave like fucking idiots. N falls into the latter category obviously. I caution you about putting too much weight on your actions and if you coulda/woulda/shoulda done something differently. Nothing you did or could have done would have made a lick of difference.

See if there is anything you can learn from this relationship. Maybe that is only 'well, don't get involved with him again!'. That is more than a sufficient life lesson. Or sometimes people are stupid and hurt us unnecessarily.

Good luck. The pain will ease with time.

Passionate1 02-12-2013 08:05 PM

I can't help but relate to what you are going through. I am going through something similar right now. And it feels like torture that he still contacts me. To answer your question as to whether you are poly or not. Yes you are. I don't think that ever really changes... do you?

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