My Version of a Sorta Fairytale
So……I have started, stopped, rewrote…trashed and started over so many times now I've stopped counting. The writer in me has a need to make this all "storybook" like but that's not always real is it? So I have decided to just write. I'm not going to read back through what I write. (though I HAVE to write in word first and try to catch all my typos) I'm just going to be raw and lay it all out there. This is suppose to help me process, help me grow. It's suppose to be cathartic much like my journals in my younger years were. I never would have worked through being a teenager and growing into myself without those journals. Just to get it out of the space in my head and into the cosmos. So…here we go. This is my journey.
I have always been able to look at women and see them as attractive, I mean how could I not, they are all curves and softness and good smells. I had never however dreamed of kissing them and touching them and loving them. Yes I have my celebrity girl crushes, Tori Amos and Jessica Biel, but they were never "real", ya know. I have only recently, in discussions with my husband, come to the realization that I also had girls through my younger years that I had feelings for. I don't know if it was my strong Christian upbringing that stopped me from seeing those feelings as more then friendship, or if I was just that naive to it. What I do know is that I have had my heart broken deeper by some of the girls/women in my life then a man has ever hurt me. This is why over the last 20 so years of my life I have pretty much avoided having really close female friends with a few exceptions that I'll hit on later.
I guess I should start with a little back ground on me and my life before Giggles entered the picture. I had a very open relationship with my boyfriend all through high school; I'll call him GnR. I was saving myself for marriage and he well he was a horndog, so we agreed there was no reason for him to be denied the things he wanted so long as it was always understood I was his girlfriend. I was able to date other guys so long as they always knew GnR was my boyfriend and he came first. We talked about marriage and kids and living in the mountains. It was all laid out in front of us.
When I was 19 I lost my virginity to someone who thought by no I really meant yes. He was older and one of my bosses at the store I worked at, I had a crush on him and he asked me out on a date. I took a lot of responsibility, guilt, and shame for what happened on myself. I didn't tell GnR what happened, I couldn't. I was saving myself all those years for him and then someone took that "gift" away from him. So I did the thing that would ultimately be our undoing…I seduced him, told him I was tired of waiting and I wanted him. He was more then willing and made me promise this wouldn't change our agreement. We could still date people but I was still his. It was a tearful event because I knew I was being dishonest. Something that should have been beautiful was ugly.
I started instantly putting distance between us. I got a boyfriend and I got pregnant and then I broke up with GnR telling him he couldn't give me the commitment I needed but "Babydaddy" could. He was heart broken, he didn't say it but I could see it on his face. We didn't talk for almost 2 year, Babydaddy came and Babydaddy went. GnR popped back up married to an older woman (8 year difference if I remember correctly) with child almost a year old. He was miserable in his marriage and wanted my friendship I obliged until he told me he still loved me. He had known I had not stayed with Babydaddy and his biggest regret was not coming to me then and making me his. I backed away then, the guilt from before still weighing heavy on my heart.
Ok why I broke into all of that I'm not sure so ok. I guess it was because I just realized as a teenager I was very much living a polyamory lifestyle without even knowing that's what it was. Either way that was the complete and total end of me and GnR and I was pretty sure I'd never find someone I could love as much as I loved him. A year later enter Nails…who quite literally swept me off my feet. No really, I was walking up these steps at a bar and he dipped me backwards and planted the most deliciously sexy kiss on me. I was living with him a week later, pregnant 3 months later, married a year after that. We have been together ever since. Our marriage has not been without it's bumps, all marriages have them but we survived. We always do. He is my best friend and my lover.
[To be continued]
Just wanted to say I'm reading, and looking forward to part two.
Also, I am sorry to hear that what should have been a positive experience for you was stolen and ruined. Sexual assault is all too common, and my heart goes out to you for what you went through.
Thanks for reading
StudentofLife: Thank you for reading. I honestly didn't know if anyone would. And thank you for the compassion. I've come along way from that ugliness, it took time but I have healed and do what I can for others that have been placed in the same situation. Hope you enjoy the rest of my story!
My marriage has not been perfect and anyone who says theirs has, well I’m sorry your lying. People grow, people change, other things come into play that try relationships. Nothing is worth having is easy. I firmly believe in this. I firmly believe “being in love” waxes and wanes. You may always love someone but I don’t believe you are always IN LOVE with someone. Those are the times you have to hold on tight and decide within yourself that this person is worth it.
That being said Nails and I have had several struggles over the years. There have been two very large obstacles in our marriage that could easily have been our doom. The first was Poison. She was his assistant manager and we were both led to believe she was a lesbian. I would tease and call her his girlfriend. They went out with out me on occasion. Once in a while turned into nearly every night until I was going nowhere with him and she was going EVERYWHERE. I asked him to stop being with her so much and he said I was being ridiculous. There were other issues in our life and we really didn't like each other at this point, loved yes but like not really at all. I started to suspect there was more between them then I had originally thought. Then I found out how they first met, not at work as I had been first led to believe but at her boyfriend's house at the time. Nails said he didn't remember it but Poison had told him about it.
Then I found a letter she wrote him at his work when I was helping him write his schedule (he is a restaurant manager and I use to manager there as well) It confessed her love to him and said it was unfair that he had his family and she had no one. That was it. I had been lied to, had things been handled differently I don't know how I would have reacted but to be lied to by the one person I trusted above everyone else? It was heartbreaking but I didn't lay down the law, I didn't tell him he had to stay away from her. Instead I handed it over to him. He had to decide what to do and he decided his dishonesty had been unfair. He assured me it had all been an emotional affair never physical and I chose to believe him. We opened up our communication and grew from it. I started to be the person he took everywhere. So as much as it hurt, Poison helped us too.
Our next big issue started roughly 10 years ago. We moved in with my mother in law because she was having financial struggles and her home was big enough to accommodate all 5 of us plus pets. (MIL, Nails, Me, Buzz and Stitch). We had lived with her when we first got together and it was fine so I really didn't see this being an issue that was until we were actually there. The woman had no boundaries. Our level of privacy became none existent. She had no probably walking in the room unannounced or banging on our door if it was locked until we opened it. Our normally wonderful sex life took the hit. Even with Poison in the picture we had sex all of the time, now at his mother it was reduced to quickies any chance we could work them in but no experimenting, no real intimacy, nothing. I started closing myself off from Nails. At first it was to protect him. He already felt enough guilt for what he felt was his fault and I didn't want to add to it. I got wrapped up in online RPGs and that's where I found my false since of intimacy through the characters I made up. It was a huge disconnect for us. He was still open, he still communicated but I would just smile and pretend I was ok.
Nails the Attention Whore
Nails is an attention whore. No really he is. He loves having people want him. Should I have mentioned at the beginning of that he’s a musician? A bass player to be exact and not just a stand in the background and let the singer lead the band sorta bass player, oh no not Nails. He’s the in your face, low bass wearing, dropping the bass on girls, eye flirting, sexy smiling, get on the mic and say the most shocking shit anyone has ever said sorta bass player. Nails is my rock star.
He was in an original band when we met and he gave that up on his own when we had Stitch even though I begged him not to. It was a huge part of him and I was sad to see him let it go. So 3 years ago when he said he was joining a cover band I was all for it. I mean the man is a f’ing beast on stage! On top of it all, it gave us a chance to get out and do something. I mean kids were teenagers and could careless if we were around, mom in law could take care of herself, it was about time for us to start focusing on our own lives a little.
I started to loosen up and have a good time again. Women were throwing themselves at him left and right and my husband is the king of playing Rockstar so he played right into it. However far he pushed the envelope though, and trust me he pushed it, once he was off the stage it was "this is my wife the love of my life and the only woman for me". I never really cared, never really got jealous. I've always enjoyed when other women look at my man and see him how I do. I don't feel threatened or worried he'll leave. He loves me I love him so play all you’d like.
This past February we moved out of his mother's and into our home. We started exploring again and our sex life bounced right back. I am just as giddy over him now as I was when we first got together and he says things to me that show he is the same way. That's why when I found a flirty text from someone who was not saved to his phone I got really confused. Now wait before you judge. I was not snooping. I'm not a saint and yes since then I have snooped but before that text it never occurred to me. We have a very open communication marriage when it comes to flirting so to have him not mention this...well it through me off.
Anyway, he was in the bathroom and asked me to text something to one of our friends. The mysterious text was right there up on the phone when I opened it. It read "Oh sexy you can always make me laugh." My heart stopped but I said nothing. I'm not typically not a jealous person, confused and hurt yes but a fly off the handle screaming and yelling type no never. I sent the text he had asked me to, logged the mysterious number to my memory banks, and went on about my business of getting ready for work.
I don't know why Poison was the first person to come to mind, maybe because she has had this way of popping in and out our lives over the years since he ended it with her but none the less I knew in my core it was here. I researched the number found out it was local, checked phone records over the last 6 months and found the number popping up here or there but nothing constant until recently. I still said nothing.
Nails the Attention Whore Part II
That weekend Nails had a gig further from home then he usually plays. I decided I was going to ride out with my brother and father so he could go straight there from work and I could get ready instead of throwing myself half way together. Midway to the bar I got a message from Nails that simply stated. "I love you. Hurry please. I'm sorry but you aren't going to be happy." It was an odd text but I simply wrote it off in my mind that the bar was a dive and not many people were there.
I walked in with my family and moved towards the stage the same as always. I had friends already there and greeted. One of my friends (the rare few females I was talking about) hugged me for like a good 5 minutes. It caught me off guard cause she's not overly touchy feely. She moved back and out of the corner of my eye I see this woman just smirking at me, it was the nastiest little smirk I've ever seen. I glance and it's her, Poison standing directly in front of my husband. Now here is my disclaimer. I am not a violent person, not any more. When I was younger I dealt with bouts of rage from keeping anger pent up too long. This was the first time in nearly 20 years that I wanted to hurt someone so I did the grown up thing and I walked out the door. I instantly called SocialD.
Let me step away from this a moment and explain SocialD cause she will show up off and on through this blog. When I first moved in with my husband he lived with his mother, his sister, and his 12 year old niece, Nirvana. About a month after living there Nirvana's 13 year old best friend, SocialD, moved in and I instantly adopted her as my daughter. It didn't matter we were only 10 years apart, SocialD is my daughter and her children, Boo & Porkchop are my grandkids.
Ok as I was saying, I called SocialD fuming. She talks me down, something she has always been able to do. I get a text from Nails asking me to please come back inside. I take a deep breath and walk in. There was a couple standing near the bar, the woman was heavier set like myself with amazing curves and dressed tastefully sexy. Something clicked and I decided I wanted to be like that. I was tired of feeling grossly fat, not taking the time to really focus on my hair and makeup, just tired of my rut and that woman was my inspiration. I didn't know it then but that woman would eventually be our Giggles. The rest of the night went by fine. Poison stayed in the back of the bar away from us. I was still pissed but I kept it to myself.
Needless to say I didn't sleep much that night, I was completely fuming. I climbed out of bed the next morning went in the bathroom and gave myself a pep talk. It was time for me to say what I had to stay. Stop holding back, knock down all of my filters and let it fly and that's just what I did. Nails just sat on the bed looking dumbfounded. I did a lot of yelling, made a lot of demands, all things I had never done with him and he gave a lot of apologize, something he had never really done. I let everything go not just her but other ways he had damaged me and other changes that needed to be made if we were going to stay together.
We worked through it like we always do. I started buying some sexier clothes, restocked my makeup, and joined the gym, started working on my Bachelors degree. I had to fix me too not just us. I started speaking my mind about everything, which he still isn't full accustom to I don't think. I think these were all things that had to happen to not just for our survival but my own. I think it was all these things that also set me up for the night Giggles kissed me.
The first night I actually had a little interaction with Giggles was about 2 weeks later. Nails' band was hosting a jam night and Giggles and Manson(the man we believed was her boyfriend at the time) came to the show. Nails had already talked to her and Manson the night of my meltdown but I did not. This night I didn't either, I was doing homework listening to the band and being rather anti-social. At some point I glanced up and saw Giggles was talking with the singer of the band who is a complete scumbag. I instantly felt protective of my Muse. (And yes that's how I viewed her) I looked around for Manson but he was nowhere to be found so I grabbed Nails instantly and said. "I don't know her but I want to smack her on the wrist and tell her "NO bad Kittie NO! You've talked to her go stop that NOW!"
Nails being Nails took it as an opportunity to cockblock scumbag and went right to it. There was an interaction between Nails and Giggles and then he came back over to me looking a little shocked. I was like "ok?? what did she say?"
Nails laughed and said. "She told me I was married it was none of my business!" I was shocked. A situation like that with any other woman in the bar would typically have led to flirting, they always glom onto his attention every chance they could but not Giggles, not my Muse, she put him in his place. Yep, think that was when I officially started crushing on her.
The next weekend they played near the beach in the opposite direction of where we first saw Giggles and much to my surprise she was there. She grabbed me at one point and said she wanted to show me something. Now when I'm drinking I am little Miss Life of the Party HOWEVER in real life I'm pretty shy. I was caught completely off guard first by her approach and then what she showed me. At some point during Jam night I had been taking pictures of the band and while I was taking pics of them…Giggles was taking pics of me. Err what? I know I turned bright red had no idea what to say and made some excuse about needing to pee. I avoided her the rest of the night. The next weekend the guys were playing close to home for Memorial Day. It was going to be a long weekend of them playing both Friday and Saturday and then a benefit on Sunday. Friday I decided my needs had to come before Nails' needs and I stayed home. I took a hot bath, did some reading and went to bed. When he came home he was telling me how there were girls topless in the pool and things got a little wild and he wanted me to come out the next night. Like normal I didn't care. I trust him, he was having fun, and topless girls are fun. The next night my sis in law asked me to watch movies with her, I thought about going to see Nails and decided instead to stay in and watch movies with her. About 10 my brother calls her saying he and my dad are heading to the bar to see the band. He called her again at about 10:15 and again at 10:30. Finally I just gave up told her to give me a minute get ready and we'd head to the bar because OBVIOUSLY they wanted us there.
Much to my surprise Giggles was there. Drunken Nails had failed to mention she had been there the night before and she was one of the Topless ladies. She kept grabbing me and trying to get me to dance but I am very awkward and it's just not my thing. The bar they were playing at was at a hotel and Giggles insisted we go swimming. The more tequila in my system and my no turned into a maybe turned into a yes. The night became a little foggy. I know at some point I was gushing over how beautiful she was and how she'd be a sexy plus sized model. I'm still not sure how it happened. All I know is there was a group of us in the shallow end of the pool one minute then suddenly it was just me and Giggles and she was kissing and I was kissing her back. It was thrilling! I broke away from her and instantly started glancing around for Nails for his reaction. He this look of complete shock on his face that broke away into a smile. That was my green light, my go for it. Giggles and I kept kissing, and things got pretty hot and heavy. I wanted Nails to join us but he was pretty much taking on the roll of deflector keeping other away from us.
It seemed like forever but finally it was just the three of us. We called him over to join and it was a frenzy of kissing and touching and well it was amazing. The sun was coming up before we drug ourselves out of the pool, deposited Giggles back in her hotel room, and started the silent walk to our truck both Nails and I not sure what to say. Finally he just said, "well that was different" we started laughing but we were both just too tired to talk about it. We went home, had amazing sex and went to sleep for a few hours before the benefit. Before we drifted off I said, "Are you ok?" He just answered my question with a question of, "Are you ok?" I started to think about it and we were both asleep before I could answer.
Your head must have been an interesting place after that night. Giggles sounds like one of those people who can change your life just by knowing them.
And Poison?? Aptly named, for sure. Did you ever find out what she was doing there, and what the hell she thought she had to smirk about?
StudentofLife: My head was all over the place but I'll touch more on that in my next post. It was a lot to take in once the reality of it settled in. Giggles is amazing. I have a lot of trust issues with women and through this I haven't always been nice to her but she hasn't really turned on me like I kept expecting her to in the beginning.
As for Poison, she was always rather snarky. I know that when they were hanging out before I guess she ran all over town telling everyone she had Nails under her thumb and all he had to do was snap her fingers and he'd leave his family for her. As for her being at the bar well I can only go by what Nails told me and the few text messages he showed me between them from that night.
The bar was far from us but I guess close to where she had moved. I had thought before Nails and I talked that she was still in another state and was probably just here to see her family and let her kid see his dad. I guess her ex-mom in law's house (where she was living) was within walking distance of the bar or something.
Anyway, they had posters up at the bar that Nails' band was playing and she saw it. She had sent him a text earlier in the week, he says, asking about it. He says he stated firmly that I was going to be there and it would not be wise for her to show up. I guess she thought she'd show anyway and ruffle some feathers. Nails says he didn't see her when he first got to the bar, so he went through the first set unaware.
He said she came up to him as soon as the set ended and was asking for a hug and asking why he was ignoring her. Nails said he was shocked and then angry and told her "This is not cool, Poison! This is not f'in cool at ALL!" and then walked away from her. I think the smirk to me was pretty much a "ha ha bitch what cha gonna do about it" sorta thing. She wanted me upset and at first she got it.
She sent him a couple texts through the night like "Stop ignoring me", "I don't care what she thinks", and "Play Poison!" (no really LOL) He sent her one text message. "Leave me alone. You f'd up when I tried to be your friend! I've told you before 'sortafairytale' is my priority and when you screw with her you screw with me so stay away!" He says she hasn't tried to contact him since and they've played the bar a couple times and she's not shown.
She did rear her nasty little head through a friend of hers at the bar though saying something along the lines that if she knew all she had to do was sleep with me to have him she would have done it years ago. Yeah she's a special one! (that statement is just oozzzzzing with sarcasm.)
UH OH Reality…
Nails left early the next morning, well early considering our sunrise walk of shame only a few hours before. He woke me with our normal routine of kisses and snuggles. We didn't really talk to heated about the night before, just mainly laughing, a few “did that really happen” and a few very manly knuckle bumps from him to me cause apparently I did a really, really good job satisfying her, this led to a lot of blushing on my part. Typically I can be a very brash woman, I have been called crude and perverted on more then one occasion, hell even now in my writing I have tried to remain tasteful and stay away from the details that I’d love to include taking instead the fade to black approach, but this moment between us turned me bright red.
Anyway he's knuckle bumping and I'm blushing and then he says. "I thought about it and I'm ok with it." I just smiled. I’m typically a person who over thinks and analysis everything but for whatever reason I wasn't doing that with this, not yet anyway.
Nails left and I drifted off to sleep. I’m not sure how long I slept but I woke up in a panic with the sudden realization that my husband was at a benefit without me…alone with the girl we’d both just spent time fooling around with. It was like I had just swallowed several large hot stones and they were just sitting heavily in my stomach. And wait…I made out with a woman no I more then made out with a woman, I touched her intimately for hours. What the holy hell? Did that mean I liked women now? Did that mean Nails and I were suddenly going to swinger parties and was I suppose to do this all the time? Was I suppose to let him have other women if he wanted them? I mean look at me, almost 40, over weighty, not the most girlie of girls. Had I just opened Pandora’s box and ended my marriage?
I was running around like a mad woman to get ready, made a point to make myself extra cute, and went running out the door. My mind struggled with itself the 20 minutes I drove to the bar. I mean I knew Nails would never take advantage of this situation and do something that could damage us, I mean deep down in my core I knew this but none the less I was suddenly the most insecure woman on the planet. Add liquor to the situation, me not there to distract from it and…yeah I was terrified what I was walking into.
I walked into the bar, the ugliness in my head had me imaging snuggled up in a corner together going to town in front of god and creation. I felt sick to my stomach. Would he care his sister was there? I glanced around and much to my momentary I didn’t see Giggles anywhere but there was Nails the same as always, drunk but not with her, instead fuming about scumbags ability to sing because he’s an idiot who doesn’t take care of his voice. Nails grabbed me instantly up in a bear hug and for the time being my nerves settled. We had a few minutes of alone time before he took my hand and dragged me outside
He led me directly to her and I instantly do what I always do in awkward situations, I climbed inside my little shell, plastered on a fake smile and kept pretty much quiet. They were drunk, I was not so it was easy to just be there and not have to interact too much. Giggles instantly latched onto me, a little kiss and holding my hand, patting my bottom. I didn’t pull away but I didn’t really feed into it either. I just had to get through the rest of the evening THEN Nails and I could sort this out and decide what we were doing. That was about the time Nails asked Giggles and Manson to dinner…at our home, not a restaurant but our home, the place my kids were. I was too panicked to say no. Everything was going too fast for me. I hadn’t had a chance to process any of this and she was coming to our home? I needed a drink and I needed it fast!!
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