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-   -   Dating advice wanted (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=40453)

LateToTheParty 02-11-2013 05:04 PM

Dating advice wanted
Hi everyone,

My wife J and I have been together for over a decade and a half, and are quite new to this lifestyle - about 4 months in, actually. A very brief background...I've been accepting of the open marriage idea for quite a while, but my wife didn't reach that point until she developed a strong friendship with someone that turned into more intense feelings. We talked it over, said 'let's do this', and here we are. There have been adjustments, for sure, but I'm very happy that she's found a secondary partner (and I really like the guy on top of that).

And just to be clear - this wasn't a move to fix anything in our marriage. We were perfectly happy beforehand, and now we're even closer.

I currently don't have a significant other. There are a few potential interests out there for me, but I'm mostly interested in a girl named M. In fact, when all this came up, she's the first girl I thought about. We've been friends for many years. I met her through one of my close friends, because she was dating him at the time. There have been periods during that time where we haven't seen much of each other, but we always have a great time together. Sometimes it's in a group of friends, but most often, it's just the two of us...we're kind of like movie/concert buddies. She was actually my first 'date' after my wife and I decided to jump into this.

M is aware of the open relationship that we've entered...she's the first person I discussed it with outside of my marriage. She was surprised and a little confused at first - she's known both of us for so long, and has only known us as a couple - but she passes no judgement at all.

Nothing happened on that first date...we simply went to a movie, she headed home because of an early schedule, and then talked a bit on the phone afterward. However, we went out for a couple of beers last week, and things were a little different.

For whatever reason, I was feeling ultra confident that evening...very open, present, and sure of myself. She and I have always flirted to an extent, but in opposition to me being somewhat reserved about it (like I have been in the past), something inside me sort of melted away that night, and I had this overwhelming sense of "You only live once...I'm going to let her know how I feel...and in addition, I'm kissing her tonight." I felt really good about it all. So I kicked up my flirtations a couple of notches, throwing out very honest compliments to her...and at the end of the evening, yes...we kissed a little bit. It was wonderful, and I've been riding a bit high since then.

M was a little hesitant at first, because the idea is still very new, but it wasn't simply me making the move..she was returning the affection for the (too) brief moment that it was. However, she did say in the middle of it, smiling, "I'm not quite there yet...I mean, you're J's husband..." I said "I know...I understand...it's totally fine if you're not there right now." After a couple more kisses, she playfully shooed me away and said goodnight.


So now, the big question...although riding on a very nice wave, I'm wondering what the next 'move' should be. (I suppose that wasn't really a question, but you know what I mean. :) )

M's a busy girl, so she's not the greatest at responding to texts...she simply can't respond by any means while at work. We've sent a few messages about music and whatnot back and forth over the last week, but there hasn't been a ton of contact - which isn't unusual. I'm considering giving her a call this evening and asking her out for tomorrow night (I usually have one free night per week)...but is that too soon, after seeing her last week?

I did very much enjoy hearing the 'yet' part of 'I'm not quite there yet'...but I'm conflicted between two things - throwing more out there to show her that I truly care about her, and have for quite a while (not just trying to get laid because I have that license now)...or letting it lie a bit so she doesn't feel bombarded, and has time to let such new ideas sink in a bit. And while I'm going to do something special for my wife on Valentine's Day this week, I also thought I'd at least do something small for her...maybe just a nice message to let her know I thought of her. Too much? Or would that be appreciated and seen as a sweet gesture?

I also realize that she may not have the same feelings, although I'm pretty sure she does to some extent. If she doesn't, I'll be disappointed, but I've known this is a possibility....and there will be other connections along the way. I really enjoy her company, though.

Forgive me for sounding so high school about it (Do you like me? check yes, no, or maybe :) ), but you know...it's been nearly 20 years since I've thought about pursuing anyone in reality. Hopefully it comes across as cute and innocent, and not pathetic. And I suppose this is really more geared toward the female perspective on this board, but any feedback is welcome.

Thanks a bunch. :)

Anneintherain 02-12-2013 06:45 AM

I imagine you did whatever you were going to do already but...
A week between dates too soon? "typical" mindsets would say that somebody wasn't that interested in you if they waited more than a week between dates.
Calling the night before? I hear you're supposed to turn people down if they call you last minute for dates ;) Depends on how spontaneous people are, of course.

So if you didn't call but you're still trying to figure out what to do, I say channel that confidence you had last week - let her know you wanted to ask her out this week but didn't want her to feel pressured, and that you'd would like to see her on your next day off if she is available. I'd imagine it'd be good to keep this date as the same level as the last if you sense she's still debating what to do here... not to try to make it MORE romantic, or upgrade it to be longer with dinner and a datish ACTIVITY - if she's figuring out stuff, too much change MIGHT just be spooky to her.

That said, I have no idea what would work in your particular situation, but hopefully something in there is useful.

LateToTheParty 02-12-2013 03:23 PM

Thanks, Anne. Mine and M's friendship actually does have a history of spontaneity - agreeing to accompany me to a concert or a movie only hours beforehand, for instance - so I wasn't too concerned about that...although maybe next time, I'll try planning a bit more in advance. :)

I found your post useful, thanks :) And I did go ahead and call her last night. She didn't pick up, but I left a casual message for her...no yearnings or loveydovey stuff...just the same as I'd always sound. I'm going to let it rest with her now, and wait for her to get back to me before contacting her again. If she's uncomfortable to any degree, I'm certainly not wanting to push it.

I do fully agree with your suggestion for the next date, when/if that happens. I had no plans of turning things up, but simply hanging out in the same manner that we usually do...and if something happens, awesome.

LateToTheParty 02-12-2013 03:31 PM

Oh, and by the way - for whoever reads this - I didn't mean to post this same thing twice. I didn't think the first attempt went through, so I posted it again yesterday afternoon. Whoops.

Helo 02-13-2013 09:53 AM

Generally speaking, coming across as derpy when asking someone if they like you back is endearing as fuck.

As for the rest of it, no clue. My best dating advice is to use cinnamon.

LateToTheParty 02-13-2013 03:33 PM

Ha...well, maybe I'll bring along a small spice rack on our next date. :)

I did hear back from M yesterday...she sent me a text early in the evening. She was in the middle of updating her phone a couple of nights ago when I called, and forgot to get back to me before passing out...turns out she was hanging with work buddies last night. I replied, saying basically, 'No biggie!...have fun tonight...lemme know if you wanna get together next week.'

So, it's not much, but hey...happy that she thought to contact me. :) Seems like even if she is confused about things, it's not enough to elicit avoiding me for a while.

lemonhead 02-14-2013 04:16 AM

Good luck! Getting back to dating can be super confusing and anxiety-inducing. Sounds like you're doing great so far. It's scary but can definitely be really fun!

Helo 02-14-2013 06:23 AM


Originally Posted by LateToTheParty (Post 184335)
Ha...well, maybe I'll bring along a small spice rack on our next date. :)

It sounds insane but it WORKS. Sprinkle about a teaspoon of cinnamon in each shoe before a date and your feet wont smell (this may discolor socks so dark socks are advised) when you taken them off. Also, get your hair wet (or do this after washing your hair pre-date) and shake a plastic bottle of cinnamon then squeeze it while holding it upright so you get a blast of very fine cinnamon dust. Aim that blast at your wet hair and the dust will cling to it and give it the scent without being gritty.

LateToTheParty 02-15-2013 03:46 PM

Well...LateToTheParty's party might be over.

Over the past few days, I've noticed a problem down 'there'...and what started as looking like a pimple - making me think it was clogged pores, ingrown hair, something - now looks exactly like photos I've seen of herpes.

I got blood drawn at the clinic yesterday, so I'm waiting for results. My wife did the same. Her guy and his wife are going to follow suit.

I'm trying my hardest not to go to dark places. I'm really attempting to keep my mind in the present moment, knowing that it could be a number of things, and that I don't yet have solid info. But I'm not doing great with it. I mean...I *just* started to feel great about myself...about getting myself out there...was excited about the possibilities with M...and now this?? If she's feeling unsure or debating things right now...what is an STD disclosure going to do? I'm afraid she's going to run...as most others will. And I was just starting to develop some genuine feelings for her. Dammit. I feel like I might as well leave her alone now.

A little more background...J, my wife, and her guy haven't used condoms because he's fixed, and hasn't been with anyone outside his wife in years, never had an issue..and yes, I know...they *really* should have been using them, regardless. I know it doesn't matter ultimately, but he has no symptoms. I had sex with his wife once...over a month ago...and we used a condom. And she has been tested several times over the past few years. She doesn't have symptoms, either.

I'm so discouraged and sad right now. I'm feeling like I've barely dipped my toes into the water of this exciting, wonderful new world, and it's now tainted and going to become more difficult, if not impossible. I've already heard of the hardships that married, poly men have with meeting new people (as compared to women's experiences)...and to possibly have this on top of it is rather devastating.

BoringGuy 02-15-2013 03:49 PM

Condoms don't offer much protection from herpes anyway.

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