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-   -   Dating advice wanted (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=40442)

LateToTheParty 02-11-2013 03:31 PM

Dating advice wanted
 
Hi everyone,

My wife J and I have been together for over a decade and a half, and are quite new to this lifestyle - about 4 months in, actually. A very brief background...I've been accepting of the open marriage idea for quite a while, but my wife didn't reach that point until she developed a strong friendship with someone that turned into more intense feelings. We talked it over, said 'let's do this', and here we are. There have been adjustments, for sure, but I'm very happy that she's found a secondary partner (and I really like the guy on top of that).

And just to be clear - this wasn't a move to fix anything in our marriage. We were perfectly happy beforehand, and now we're even closer.

I currently don't have a significant other. There are a few potential interests out there for me, but I'm mostly interested in a girl named M. In fact, when all this came up, she's the first girl I thought about. We've been friends for many years. I met her through one of my close friends, because she was dating him at the time. There have been periods during that time where we haven't seen much of each other, but we always have a great time together. Sometimes it's in a group of friends, but most often, it's just the two of us...we're kind of like movie/concert buddies. She was actually my first 'date' after my wife and I decided to jump into this.

M is aware of the open relationship that we've entered...she's the first person I discussed it with outside of my marriage. She was surprised and a little confused at first - she's known both of us for so long, and has only known us as a couple - but she passes no judgement at all.

Nothing happened on that first date...we simply went to a movie, she headed home because of an early schedule, and then talked a bit on the phone afterward. However, we went out for a couple of beers last week, and things were a little different.

For whatever reason, I was feeling ultra confident that evening...very open, present, and sure of myself. She and I have always flirted to an extent, but in opposition to me being somewhat reserved about it (like I have been in the past), something inside me sort of melted away that night, and I had this overwhelming sense of "You only live once...I'm going to let her know how I feel...and in addition, I'm kissing her tonight." I felt really good about it all. So I kicked up my flirtations a couple of notches, throwing out very honest compliments to her...and at the end of the evening, yes...we kissed a little bit. It was wonderful, and I've been riding a bit high since then. :)

M was a little hesitant at first, because the idea is still very new, but it wasn't simply me making the move..she was returning the affection for the (too) brief moment that it was. However, she did say in the middle of it, smiling, "I'm not quite there yet...I mean, you're J's husband..." I said "I know...I understand...it's totally fine if you're not there right now." After a couple more kisses, she playfully shooed me away and said goodnight.

***

So now, the big question...although riding on a very nice wave, I'm wondering what the next 'move' should be. (I suppose that wasn't really a question, but you know what I mean. :) )

M's a busy girl, so she's not the greatest at responding to texts...she simply can't respond by any means while at work. We've sent a few messages about music and whatnot back and forth over the last week, but there hasn't been a ton of contact - which isn't unusual. I'm considering giving her a call this evening and asking her out for tomorrow night (I usually have one free night per week)...but is that too soon, after seeing her last week?

I did very much enjoy hearing the 'yet' part of 'I'm not quite there yet'...but I'm conflicted between two things - throwing more out there to show her that I truly care about her, and have for quite a while (not just trying to get laid because I have that license now)...or letting it lie a bit so she doesn't feel bombarded, and has time to let such new ideas sink in a bit. And while I'm going to do something special for my wife on Valentine's Day this week, I also thought I'd at least do something small for her...maybe just a nice message to let her know I thought of her. Too much? Or would that be appreciated and seen as a sweet gesture?

I also realize that she may not have the same feelings, although I'm pretty sure she does to some extent. If she doesn't, I'll be disappointed, but I've known this is a possibility....and there will be other connections along the way. I really enjoy her company, though.

Forgive me for sounding so high school about it (Do you like me? check yes, no, or maybe :)), but you know...it's been nearly 20 years since I've thought about pursuing anyone in reality. Hopefully it comes across as cute and innocent, and not pathetic. And I suppose this is really more geared toward the female perspective on this board, but any feedback is welcome.

Thanks a bunch. :)

learninginTN 02-20-2013 03:08 PM

Welcome to the forums. I'm far from being the one to give you any advice, but wanted to let you know I'm in a similar boat. I even have a similar question thread over in the Fireplace forum. I feel your uncertainty, as I am feeling the same. I am the world's worst on reading women's feelings about things, and that has bitten me in the butt before and caused some hurt feelings.

That being said, I'm curious as to what has transpired since your initial post. Any dates? Any more conversations?

LateToTheParty 02-20-2013 04:45 PM

Thanks for the welcome :) I had somehow accidentally posted this twice, and can't figure out how to delete it. I'm going to respond to you in the other 'Dating Advice Needed' post, since that's where most of the replies are. Sorry about the confusion...


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