grieving a break up vent
I broke up with my long term boyfriend a week ago. We had an agreement of honesty in regards to other relationships. He knows my stuff. He made some life decisions and feels like he just wants to be a man whore. As such he doesn't want to disclose his having sex with others to me so I can make intelligent decisions in regards to my sexual health. He didn't just come out and say this. He played this little game, and I asked him to talk last weekend and ultimately he said that he didn't want a relationship with honesty and that it was none of my business who he fucked. He said he wanted friends with benefits and I told him no thank you. That my heart was involved and it is clear to me he has no clear for my emotional need for honesty and my right to sexual health. We were fluid bonded. So now off to be tested, because I don't really know what happened with him.
I was told by a mutual friend that he felt his feelings for me were to deep and he couldn't handle it. He does have issues. I think it's an issue for me that he has disclosed so much of his true self to me and I nutured it. I just don't think he is capable of working through his issues.
I honestly went to bed for a week, not crying and carrying on. Just sad and grieving. I think everyone grieves in there own way. I continue to feel grief but now feel ready to face the world.
I saw him tonight when I was out to dinner. He was at the bar, I seated myself with my back to him and tried to stay engaged in the conversation.
I didn't go and say hello. I can't be friends and am not sure if I want to at this point. I just don't think he handled my heart with care. The odd thing in all of this he in the past few weeks and gotten heated with other people when we were at 2 different parties. Once I was there with him and once without him. I was just speaking to random acquaintances (male). After I would move to a different conversation apparently he would go and tell them to back off from me.
A friend also told me several of our circle has seen his behavior and were becoming concerned that he was becoming abusive for awhile. That he has been doing this whole thing where he won't say a word to my inner circle of friends men and women in regards to there activities with me. But any male who is outside that or new he got in there face if he saw me speaking to them in just a friendly casual manner.
There is more to the story, but nothing I really need to say. I just felt the need to get this out. I think this man was one of the great loves of my life and I know for my own emotional well being he can never be part of it again.
I gucess I need to say, that he did something like this awhile back and we got back togather and I just don't feel I can trust this person with my heart again. I am a person who can't have sex without love. I don't see this as love.
You're right to do what your heart says you need to do. I'm sorry that you're hurting, but at least now you're in a place where you can take care of yourself.
He may be capable of working through his issues, but it's not your responsibility to hold his hand while he does it. You have to look out for numero uno. Your heart is too important to put on the line if he's not even willing to try to be honest.
As cliché as it sounds, it does get better with time.
I'm so sorry this man did not live up to the best self you saw in him. That's a tragedy.
But you have prevented another tragedy by seeing him clearly and getting him out of your life. You could have chosen to stay with him. And things would have gotten worse, maybe much, much worse.
It's certainly good to mourn the loss of the person he might have been, and your relationship with that might have been person.
But give yourself some props - especially now - for getting yourself out. I see too many people who stay, wishing and hoping for the might have been person to reappear. You are brave and you value yourself. That deserves praise.
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