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-   -   How To Be A Great Metamour (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=40240)

Tiffany27 02-07-2013 06:57 PM

How To Be A Great Metamour
 
Hello all! I have recently begun 2 newish relationships. One with a married women and one with a married man. I, myself, am in a long-term relationship with my live-in boyfriend.

I have met my boyfriend's girlfriend and that has gone splendidly. I basically just focus on being open, honest, caring and communicative in all of our interactions. I will soon be meeting my new partners' spouses and I'm wondering if anyone has any additional tips for being the best metamour I possibly can :)

Thanks in advance!

lemonhead 02-07-2013 07:58 PM

Congratulations on your two new relationships! :) Sounds like you are off to a great start.

I have had some great metamour experiences and some not-so-great ones (and one downright awful). The key seems to be communication, as much as possible. Talking things out, having meetings, sharing a common email thread or FB chat, all of the above - whatever works best in each situation. I am currently in a relationship with a married man and I feel it has been really beneficial that his wife and I were friends prior, and have our own communication already worked out. It has been helpful for us to connect both separately from him, and in three-way communication when any of the three of us has questions or doubts.

One thing that I did, though it may not be for everyone, was to go through this:
http://ht.ly/fD6o3
It offered me a lot of perspective and also gave me a starting point for drafting a letter to them in the beginning outlining questions I had about their boundaries and preferences.

Like I said, not for everyone, but it's an option!

LovingRadiance 02-07-2013 10:40 PM

I'm the hinge in a V. My boyfriend is monogamous. My husband doesn't really know. He's tried dating-but is currently not.

Of the women my husband dated, one was an AWESOME metamour, one was a f*** self-centered jerk.

The one who was awesome lasted 2 years before moving to another state.

She made a point of contacting me directly. She didn't use Maca as the go-between. This made ME feel respected and cared for by her. (to clarify she and I were not romantically or sexually involved).

She would drop me a text to find out if a specific date was booked up already with something else (like a kids piano recital, my date night or whatever). It was AWESOME for me to be able to pencil into the family calendar when she called-instead of having to deal with rescheduled events.

She invited the family over for activities that weren't "romantic" for them as a couple.

She had an "open door policy" regarding her home that was granted to ALL of us-not just Maca, but myself, GG and the kids too. Whilst we didn't go running over all of the time-it was nice to know that if we needed to talk to HER or whatever-that was ok.

She took time to find out our anniversary, my birthday, the kids birthdays, GG's birthday and my anniversary with GG. That allowed her to keep those dates in the back of her mind and not schedule things that would conflict.

She didn't talk trash. If he went to her in a moment of heated frustration with me, she would listen, but she didn't assume every word was god-given truth. She recognized that THEY had disagreements and misunderstandings and accepted that we do as well. She would express her empathy and love for him but also suggest that "it sounds like you two need to talk it out." Never rising to the occasion or taking advantage of the opportunity to disparage me.
Likewise, she was that way with me if I went to her with some frustration about him. She was excellent at accepting that what people say in the heat of frustration isn't a good reference for the full scope of a situation OR even representative of their overall emotions towards one another OR a good representation of the health of their overall relationship. It's just a circumstance and like weather-they pass.

She asked me herself, how I felt about her involvement in our life, in our family, in our home-before taking the steps he offered. Not that she distrusted him telling her she was invited or welcomed. She simply wanted ME to know that she respected that this wasn't JUST HIS LIFE, JUST HIS HOME, JUST HIS FAMILY. It is ours and therefore, she checked with all of us. She even asked GG to be sure HE was ok with her joining activities with all of us.

Basically, in addition to having respect for the rest of us as important people in Maca's life-she ensured he KNEW she had that respect. She expressed it, not vaguely, but pointedly and purposefully.

That makes a good metamour.

nycindie 02-08-2013 05:06 AM

This thread where people share what they love about their metamours might give you a little insight or inspiration:

Metamour love


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