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-   -   struggling relationship (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4022)

QuestioningMono 10-20-2010 02:17 PM

struggling relationship
 
I don't see the benefits to me, as the mono in a poly relationship. All I see and am getting is grief, pain and anger. I have tried time after time to understand, and each time it has backfired... leaving me more dead inside.

CielDuMatin 10-20-2010 03:26 PM

For me, the benefits...

Each romantic relationship I have had has been very different from the others. I miss some aspect of pretty much each of my previous relationships. What poly lets me do is have more relationships at once, and can therefore experience those differences, without having to "give up" an aspect of them.

I love to love, and be in love. Having two people in my life allows me to be MORE in love, and be loved more, too. We look out for each other, too, so there is a level of support structure there which couldn't be equalled by less close friends.

I can explore more of my interests, because I have more folks to share them with. Again, something I could do with friends, but doing it with someone you love makes it that much more special.

The other one, I suppose, because I feel that I am "wired poly" it lets me be me. I was miserable trying to be monogamous, and those that loved me kind of knew it.

@QuestioningMono: I have heard similar things to what you wrote before. I am the poly part of a mono/poly relationship (my mono partner is not on here) so have asked her in the past what she gets out of it. Her answer is that she gets to be with someone she loves and cares about and can see that this poly relationship style makes me happy. I have asked her before whether she would be happier if I were monogamous, and she said something along the lines of "yes, of course, but you're NOT, and I don't want to change you - you are who you are. I certainly wouldn't want you to ACT monogamous because I know you would be unhappy." The activities of working through our poly-related relationship issues has actually strengthened our relationship (which has lasted nearly 20 years now) and given us much better tools for us to deal with the everyday issues that come up. I think that we have more quality time now than we did when we were "monogamous". I won't pretend that it's all "up-side" or a bed of roses, but we make it work.

QuestioningMono 10-20-2010 03:36 PM

I've tried and tried to do this, to make/keep him happy... I just can't. I am not happy with what he wants... as if i'm not enough. The more he talks to her, the more I get upset.

When he takes time from me, I can see/feel he wants to be with her or talk about her.

Saw her RL... the look on his face when he looked at her, watched her ... it crushed me... because I "never" saw that look in his eyes.

Is it even really worth it???

QuestioningMono 10-20-2010 03:42 PM

I live with him, he wants to marry me... he's only known her for 6 months... We have known each other for over 4 years.

gr8xpectations 10-20-2010 04:07 PM

Benefits that I see for my family are that there are two strong men to protect and provide for ourselves and our children, thus taking some stress off each of us individually. It also makes it even more practical for me to work from home. While I make only half of what each of my men makes each year, I am home when a child is sick, I happily do the laundry, dishes, cleaning, even mowing the yard, so that when my men come home, they are free to relax and do things they love to do instead of having to share in household chores. They can come home to a beautiful home with happy children and dinner on the table.

As the poly person in our V, I also feel the completeness of loving to my capacity (or at least close to it) that Redpepper spoke of. I have been in so many relationships where my partner felt like he was running himself ragged and would eventually come to the conclusion that I was, “too much woman for one man to handle!” At which point I would tearfully leave said partner in search of that special person who COULD handle me all by themselves; only, that person really may not exist.

I also have a sex drive that most men over 25 have trouble keeping up with, so there is another practical way for them to “share the burden” :-)

mumbles 10-20-2010 04:09 PM

@Questioning: It would be wrong of me to say I'm in a poly relationship, because this is all really new to me. But the "concept" doesn't scare my wife.

Basically...I have a close friend that I have some competing feelings for. Attraction competes with wanting to protect and keep safe. It was difficult to explain to my wife at first, but she gets it now.

To borrow my new favorite metaphor...relationships are like paintings. The feelings we have for people are the colors on the palette, and how we act on those feelings shapes the painting itself. My close friend, for instance - my wife knows exactly how I feel about her. I just told her everything. Of course, I told her how I feel about HER, too! Once you understand that nothing is black and white, nothing is shades, everything is just a gigantic blend of color, you can understand a little better.

I just deleted a lot more blah-blah, it's in my initial post here and I don't really need to repeat it.

What I'll say is, I don't care about calling myself one thing or another now. I had some feelings for someone that are real, I felt guilty about it because of how my wife would feel. We talked about it, the hows, the whys...it wasn't all easy, and some hurt came out from both parties. But now I have a close friend who happens to be female and...I'm free to care about her and love her, without hurting my wife. And that's a big deal to me.

gr8xpectations 10-20-2010 04:16 PM

@QuestioningMono your partner is experiencing New Relationship Energy (NRE) which can make people act like love struck teenagers, but it doesn't mean that he loves you any less! Since he has known you so much longer, just think how much more mature your relationship is. You know each other on a much deeper level and he still wants to MARRY you! Who knows if his new relationship will stand the test of time, but he feels that yours will, and that really says something.

QuestioningMono 10-20-2010 04:21 PM

What I'm afraid of, is that I won't be able to accept that he loves her.. loves another, wants to be physically intimate, not just on an emotional basis with her.

In the past, he would pitch a fit if I even mentioned someone was interested in me. I look at this as ... there's no way he'd accept me wanting to be with someone else, yet he "needs" to... excuse my French ... 'fuck' around with someone else.

I feel he's being hypocritical... because NOW ... he says he wouldn't have an issue with it.. wouldn't like it too much, but would understand.

I'm angry... I feel like he's giving me a bunch of BS just to justify what he "wants/needs" against my pain.

I'm stuck... so close to saying it's over... and he doesn't even seem to care.

MsKtty89 10-20-2010 04:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 919)
oh you make me sound so good monoVCPG.... heh :)
The benefits of poly for me are that I have an outlet to loving more. I am a very loving person and found in the past that I have much more to give of it than my monogamous relationships allowed. I found myself misunderstood by my partners and friends and felt trapped and held back from loving and actively caring and being compassionate for people. Loving for me is very much given in terms of physical intimacy as much as emotional and intellectual intimacy.
In my poly relationships I feel like I finally am able to feel completely at my capacity :)
Not only this but it means I have a big family and will hopefully never be alone. Something I fear.

This. Although how I prefer to express this (in a triad rather than in a more branched-out relationship, which just isn't me) is different, the feeling is the same.

MonoVCPHG 10-20-2010 06:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by QuestioningMono (Post 49666)
What I'm afraid of, is that I won't be able to accept that he loves her.. loves another, wants to be physically intimate, not just on an emotional basis with her.

In the past, he would pitch a fit if I even mentioned someone was interested in me. I look at this as ... there's no way he'd accept me wanting to be with someone else, yet he "needs" to... excuse my French ... 'fuck' around with someone else.

I feel he's being hypocritical... because NOW ... he says he wouldn't have an issue with it.. wouldn't like it too much, but would understand.

I'm angry... I feel like he's giving me a bunch of BS just to justify what he "wants/needs" against my pain.

I'm stuck... so close to saying it's over... and he doesn't even seem to care.

I think you are reading him right my friend. I think I would back away, find something that suits how you want love expressed to you. If that is intimate/emotional and sexual exclussivity than follow your heart. Short term pain for a long term gain. If you do decide to stay I would recommend a very, very long engagement that includes experiencing him having another relationship to truly see how it feels. I get a sense that his proposal is a way to "possess" you and provide him with more security and therefore better control to "do what he wants".

But I could be full of shit :o


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