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-   -   Brand new, figuring this out as we go along! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=40214)

Rhaenes 02-07-2013 07:51 AM

Brand new, figuring this out as we go along!
 
Hello all!

How I came here would be quite the long story, but the short version is; Boyfriend of 3 years fell for a mutual friend, and her for him. We tried to go back to being an exclusive couple, but just didn't feel the same as before, and missing her was terrible for both of us, as we've all been together sexually and she's one of my best friends. Realized our happiest moments were the post-coital snuggles between the three of us when we felt freed from the restraints of confined relationships and just embraced love, so we're going to give that a try and see how it goes. Came here because I'm very young, still in college and just 18 as well as being brand new to this, and would really love the support of a group of people who've already been though this and are of a similar mindset to us.

Boyfriend and S (mutual friend) are both straight, while I am bisexual. S will do things with me when we're all together, but isn't comfortable with a relationship between just us, so I suppose we're a "V" sexually but a "Triangle" emotionally? I'm still not certain of these terms, or if they're really used at all haha, but those are the closest definition I can find. Hopefully some of you can help us with that. :)

Looking forward to getting involved, Rhaenes.

SrAh 02-07-2013 07:15 PM

Hello! Welcome! And good luck! There are a lot of things out there to help. I have a somewhat similar situation... myself, a husband and a boyfriend.
Let me know if I can help!

twitter.com/PolyThoughts

kdt26417 02-07-2013 08:50 PM

Greetings Rhaenes,
Welcome to our forum.

I would say "emotional triad" would be a good word for the kind of relationship configuration you have. The three of you seem to be very close, and it sounds like your poly relationship was meant to be.

You will find a lot of support and wisdom on this site. Explore the various threads, and post any thoughts or questions you may have. The Golden Nuggets board and Life stories and blogs board may prove especially interesting to you.

I hope everything goes well for you guys; don't get discouraged if you hit a rough patch here or there. Sometimes relationships are just like that in the beginning, and poly relationships are extra complex.

Glad to have you aboard.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

FirstofThree 02-10-2013 04:56 PM

Welcome to the forum!

My partner and I started out our poly life with a triad. It was absolutely delightful. I wish you the best of luck!

Rule number 1: give it time. If it's meant to be, then you have many decades to explore, change, and be comfortable with each other. If it's not meant to be, rushing things doesn't help! If S is comfortable being sexual with you while in a threesome now, it's possible that in a year or five she'll be comfortable being sexual with you elsewhere.

Sexuality is fluid. Over the years we change as individuals, in every way.

Rhaenes 02-10-2013 07:52 PM

Thanks to all of you for being so supportive! And firstofthree, thanks for the tip about giving things time. :) I don't know if I really want to be sexual alone with her, not because she isn't gorgeous or anything but because we've never had even a hint of a romantic relationship. We're still quite good friends, and we care about each other, and that's why I say we feel almost like an emotional triangle - she's kind of like a sister to me and I love her to death, but not in the same way we both respectively love BF. He's definitely the hinge here, though we're not swinging wildly around, if that image makes sense haha. We're definitely connected to each other, just not through romantic, passionate love. Gawd I keep thinking of "sister wives" and shuddering, because that's kind of how we feel but that just makes me think of the show haha

SchrodingersCat 02-10-2013 08:16 PM

I wouldn't worry about defining it. Labels can be useful for quick reference, but people tend to get stuck in them and start using them to take cues on how to behave. That's always seemed silly to me.

You and she sound more like close friends than romantic partners. "Like a sister" isn't how I would describe my girlfriend, even though our relationship is non-sexual. We have a romantic, loving emotional bond, just without the sex. So even if I were prone to using labels, I wouldn't call your situation an emotional triad. That would imply that you and she are romantically involved, and it doesn't sound like you are.

It's nice that you've found this connection and that things seem to be working well. Have you discussed how this changes the nature of your relationship? i.e., if you met a woman with whom you felt an emotional and sexual attraction, would your partner support this? Of course, there might be no need to have that talk until that actually happens (putting the cart before the horse and all that), but it might not be a bad idea to establish that what's good for the gander is good for the goose :)

Rhaenes 02-10-2013 09:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat (Post 183781)
I wouldn't worry about defining it. Labels can be useful for quick reference, but people tend to get stuck in them and start using them to take cues on how to behave. That's always seemed silly to me.

You and she sound more like close friends than romantic partners. "Like a sister" isn't how I would describe my girlfriend, even though our relationship is non-sexual. We have a romantic, loving emotional bond, just without the sex. So even if I were prone to using labels, I wouldn't call your situation an emotional triad. That would imply that you and she are romantically involved, and it doesn't sound like you are.

It's nice that you've found this connection and that things seem to be working well. Have you discussed how this changes the nature of your relationship? i.e., if you met a woman with whom you felt an emotional and sexual attraction, would your partner support this? Of course, there might be no need to have that talk until that actually happens (putting the cart before the horse and all that), but it might not be a bad idea to establish that what's good for the gander is good for the goose :)

We'll see if we ever have to have that talk haha... I'm sure if it ever did happen he would be as supportive of me as I was of him, but honestly, I don't see it happening. I would love to have a casual female friend to get out urges, if you get my drift, because I think it would probably be emotionally a little unhealthy to never really explore my bisexuality on my own. But emotionally, I can never see myself loving anyone else- but then, neither could Boyfriend, until he met K. Even if they didn't recognize it at first, there was definitely some connection there and some strength that was enough to make our relationship waver a little, before I became this accepting. So I guess you never know with those things :)

Rhaenes 02-10-2013 10:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat (Post 183781)
It's nice that you've found this connection and that things seem to be working well. Have you discussed how this changes the nature of your relationship? i.e., if you met a woman with whom you felt an emotional and sexual attraction, would your partner support this? Of course, there might be no need to have that talk until that actually happens (putting the cart before the horse and all that), but it might not be a bad idea to establish that what's good for the gander is good for the goose :)

We'll see if we ever need that talk haha... I'm sure he would support me wholeheartedly, probably even better than how I've been supporting him, but while I can definitely see myself wanting a casual sexual relationship with a lady (I don't think it would be very healthy for me to never explore my recently-embraced bisexuality alone with a woman) I can't see myself ever falling in love with anyone other than Boyfriend. But then again, Boyfriend never thought he would fall in love with anyone else, until he met K - or did he? I'll have to ask him that, he has always been the more independent one in our relationship. Up until this mess, I had huge dependency issues, which I'm working through now... anyway, THAT is certainly another post! I suppose you do never know with those things, so we will talk about how we would approach the situation :) Thanks!

Rhaenes 02-10-2013 10:31 PM

Well this is awkward.... sorry for inconveniencing whichever mod is going to have to look through those two posts! I thought there had been an error, so I sent it again. Disregard the first one :)

Rhaenes 02-10-2013 10:32 PM

We'll see if we ever need that talk haha... I'm sure he would support me wholeheartedly, probably even better than how I've been supporting him, but while I can definitely see myself wanting a casual sexual relationship with a lady (I don't think it would be very healthy for me to never explore my recently-embraced bisexuality alone with a woman) I can't see myself ever falling in love with anyone other than Boyfriend. But then again, Boyfriend never thought he would fall in love with anyone else, until he met K - or did he? I'll have to ask him that, he has always been the more independent one in our relationship. Up until this mess, I had huge dependency issues, which I'm working through now... anyway, THAT is certainly another post! I suppose you do never know with those things, so we will talk about how we would approach the situation :) Thanks!


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