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-   -   building relationship (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4008)

angelMO 10-19-2010 06:24 AM

building relationship
i am in a Master/slave relationship...going into the relationship knowing that Master wants one or two more girls and in my mind being OK with that. i have been talking with another girl for a while now and been ok with that aspect too. She is supposed to visit over the Christmas holidays....she is someone Master knows and has spent a little time with but she chose to go to school in another province rather than stay and go to school here for the same outcome.

Tonight Master says the first night she is here she will spend the night alone in His bed and i got all freaked out. i have tried poly once in the past it was a disastrous experience in that the girl came into the Home and within 3 days took over everything i had been doing for my Master at the time and i was kinda left on the sidelines...i only stayed a week as i felt like i was the outsider.

i realize i could have reacted in that situation differently but when i feel insecure i tend to withdraw a lot and at that time instead of reassuring me i was still important to Him i was virtually replaced.

help please because i don't want to feel like this .... is it wrong to want both of in Masters bed in the beginning? i am bi-sexual

sage 10-19-2010 07:05 AM

Hi Angel, welcome

I'm sure there are people on here much more qualified to answer this than me. I did have a discussion however with a person in a similar situation to try and get a better understanding of how it all works. She said that it is perfectly acceptable to negotiate your basic boundaries outside of the master/slave dynamic. I'd say this is a basic boundary and you feel as you feel and have every right to communicate it and try to get him to co-operate.

redpepper 10-19-2010 07:29 AM

if you have a good master, as far as I am concerned, he will be loving, reassuring and consistently willing to show you he is not replacing you. Your master is wanting to bond with this woman and it is his command to do so. You must follow and trust him if you are to stay in your arrangement.

I hope he is a good and worthy Master. This is a very tricky arrangement he has set up and it could be quite damaging to you. I hope he is the type that allows you to have your time to speak and be listened to. A submissive can only be a good submissive if they are respected. It's a two way relationships dynamic, not one. I hope this is what is happening in this case.

As to being bisexual? If you want to have sex with her and are attracted then yes, you may well be. If you are wanting your Masters attention and support and think you will get it by being in the bed with them, then, likely you are not necessarily.

angelMO 10-20-2010 12:36 AM

hello and thank you both for the responses
i am extremely lucky as i do have a Master who encourages good communication. He says part of me feeling the way i do is because of abuse as a child i have very much a childs trust in my Master and the last healthy male i had as a child i was 5 years old so my reactions are very much along that age group which is why He is starting to prepare me now.
It is so hard having that childlike faith and trust but that is also the age it was ripped from me so my mind distrusts in some ways. We were talking today about how the longewst road is from the mind to the heart. My mind tells me Master will not leave or desert me unfortunately the heart says something else.

sage 10-20-2010 01:53 AM

Is master's bed also your bed? When you say "alone" I presume you're meaning alone with him.

As I say I can only give you a logical perspective having had very little experience in all of this. But if you have had childhood issues and you feel like that is still where your head is I can't really see how making you leave your bed or really even your masters bed for another woman could prepare you for anything except to maybe re-visit a lot of childhood pain unnecessarily.

Would you do that to an insecure child? Hell no? You would let the child be present and and see first hand that the parent/master can and still have love for both.

Just my 2 cents but I think you've seen this work badly now you should be making sure that it works the way you need it to. Since exploring polyamory I have believed that it requires high levels of emotional maturity to work successfully so I'll be following your journey will interest.

Take Care

Tonberry 10-20-2010 02:53 AM

It's good that your Master allows for communication so you can share your feelings with him. Ultimately, you do have to trust him, but it helps if he supports you all the way.

Did you ask his reasoning behind wanting her alone? Are you allowed to ask? It's possible he feels it is best for her, maybe if you put yourself in the situation of the second woman you will understand better?
If he is a caring Master, as you seem to say he is, he will want to take a good care of both of you. He probably needs to reassure her as it will be her first night and probably overwhelming. I don't think he has any intention of having you come last all the time.

I hope you can find an arrangement that won't be so hurtful to you. He is your Master and you must obey him, but it's also his role to give you orders that won't end up hurting you (well, depends on what you're into, but you know what I mean).

I think it's really good that you guys communicate, as it can be harder with a D/s dynamic, but communication stays very important, you can't read each other's minds, nor should you be expected to.

SchrodingersCat 10-20-2010 09:36 PM

Negotiate, negotiate, negotiate! To me, that is the #1 rule when making changes to a D/s relationship.

How do you feel about this arrangement?

Did you agree to it, or was it forced on you as a requirement of staying in the relationship with Him?

Was it made clear before you entered in the relationship that something like this would happen (you being excluded from his bed when another woman comes to visit), or was it sprung on you after you had already developed feelings?

It's so important to remember that slave does not equal having no rights. This is not 17th century America where your choices are obey or be chased by man-eating dogs.

If you Master truly loves and respects you, he will put your needs at the top of his list, even above his own wants. A submissive is a precious thing, not someone to be taken for granted or taken unfair advantage of.

I don't even agree that "ultimately it's his choice." Fundamentally, you're an equal partner in this relationship even though you're submissive. You CHOOSE to obey your Master's orders. You CHOOSE to serve him. You CHOOSE to be in a relationship with him. And He needs to know that HIS CHOICES could drive you away and cause you psychological and emotional damage, if you are not respected and cherished.

sage 10-20-2010 11:10 PM

I'm really glad that you have expressed this SC I was feeling really concerned about this situation and your take on it makes sense to me. The way you express it I can see some safety in it; otherwise you could get a situation of dangerous co-dependance.

Vinccenzo 10-26-2010 05:09 PM

Past abuse or no, I'm sure you are quite capable of having feelings for reasons that are not only due to having experienced abuse. It sends up a big red flag to me that he would write off your feelings as being only due to your past without examining if he is doing anything to contribute to them in the present.

Careful careful. While having experienced abuse as a child can alter your responses as an adult, it can also alter who you naturally gravitate to for relationships. It can have you gravitating to people who feed into your vulnerabilities and keep you from healing and moving on to experiencing relationships that are healthier for you. And a person who is healthier for you won't blame every feeling you experience on your past. Blaming it all on your past can be a way to not slow their roll on to what they want to happen or take responsibility for what they might be contributing to the emotions you are dealing with TODAY.

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