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-   -   A chance encounter with my meta revealed that all's not well. What should I do? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=40076)

Sannafrid 02-05-2013 05:25 AM

A chance encounter with my meta revealed that all's not well. What should I do?
 
Hey all.

First of all, have some context: My main man and I have a long distance, open relationship. He and I have a deep emotional and romantic connection, and I'm not looking for that with anyone else. I moved last fall, and I started seeing someone in my new city shortly after. He is "engaged to be engaged", but his relationship is open. I posted a thread a few months ago asking for advice before meeting my new lover's girlfriend. I thought the meeting went well, but I haven't seen her since. He has hinted before that his girlfriend has trepidations about him sleeping with other women, but that turned out to be an understatement.

I ran into her in public earlier tonight, and she said she wanted to talk to me. She told me that she's trying very hard to be okay with her boyfriend seeing me, but she isn't. She told me that she wants him to be monogamous, and that she's trying to accept him seeing other people, but she's actually miserable. She said she read some of the text messages that he and I sent each other, and she apologized profusely, but that still just creeps me out.

Her boyfriend hasn't been communicating with her about his relationship with me, and she's totally in the dark about a lot of important details. I don't find it morally sound for me to continue a relationship with a man whose primary partner disapproves of him seeing other women. Now knowing both sides of the story, it is obvious that they want very different things, and I don't like being the focal point of their relationship issues.

Stevenjaguar 02-05-2013 06:20 AM

Uh oh.
 
This ain't gonna work. I think you know that already. There's just too much hiding and pretending going on. If I were you, I'd look for another boyfriend.

BreatheDeeply 02-05-2013 10:00 AM

I think you should sit down with your boyfriend and be blunt with him. Tell him that having her needs met is not something that can be ignored. She's not spontaneously going to be ok with you. And the longer shes struggles with her feelings, the more uncomfortable this situation is becoming for you. It doesn't sound like he understands how serious this is, or if he does, he's hoping that somehow it's just all going to work out ok. I think that's unlikely.

nycindie 02-05-2013 02:28 PM

It sounds like you already know what to do.

GalaGirl 02-05-2013 03:42 PM

Could tell your BF you ran into her and became aware of her upset/struggle.

Could tell BF that you are now aware that he hasn't been communicating with her about his relationship with you, and she's totally in the dark about a lot of important details.

Could tell BF that you don't find it morally sound for you to continue a relationship with a man whose primary partner disapproves of him seeing other women.

Could tell BF you don't like being the focal point of their relationship issues.


Could ask BF what he plans to do (if anything) about addressing his primary's upset/struggle?

If he plans to do nothing, you could choose your next behavior to alleviate your own need not to be worrying/upset over this kind of stuff going on. (ex: remove yourself from the relationship because of your objections above in blue and his lack of responsiveness -- not just to her need to be free of discomfort, but YOUR need to be free of discomfort too.)

It's pretty straight up.

Galagirl

ManofDiscovery 02-06-2013 04:02 PM

I don't think it has to be as simple as saying 'ditch the boyfriend'.

It might well be the case that he ends up wanting to leave his fiancee for you, simply because you are offering something she isn't.

You are offering non-judgement, openness and freedom...she is offering him a cage.

It doesn't matter how much he loves her, this will eat away at him over time if he stays with her.

I would recommend a discussion with him about it on which way he wants to go, not in the 'micro' terms of your relationship, but in the 'macro' terms of whether he wants to stay poly or go back to mono.

My hunch is that he is happy being poly and really wants his fiancee to work out her issues, but eventually he will leave her when it becomes clear that she isn't going to work them out.


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