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-   -   Friends or not? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=39930)

julie 02-03-2013 09:02 PM

Friends or not?
 
Hi, I am new here, I hope to find some advice in this lovely community. :)
I am in a relationship with A (boyfriend) and E is our best friend (he's a guy). The three of us have known each other for years and have a fantastic relationship, we hang out together all the time, we went on holiday together, slept in the same room, we shared a bed a couple of times (not sexually, although A and I once had sex while in the same room with E and A remembers it as one the most exciting things ever).

Now, I feel like we have a sort of poly relationship, but officially we are just friends. I am unsure on how to bring our relationship onto the next level. They are clueless about the whole poly thing, so it feels awkward to bring up the subject. Help?

(I am sorry for any grammatical mistake, I am not an English native speaker).

AutumnalTone 02-03-2013 09:13 PM

You're going to have to learn to ignore the awkwardness. If you let something as inconsequential as that stop you from speaking your thoughts to those closest to you, you can expect to have a long life of frustration ahead of you.

You're going to have to ask them. Ask them if they know any poly people. Ask them what they think about it. Ask them if they've considered trying it themselves.

And if they want to know why you're asking, you're going to have to stand brave and voice your thoughts, speak your truth about what you're interested in. That's how you're going to get the relationships you want to have--by speaking up about what you want and finding people who are interested in the same sort of thing.

Helo 02-03-2013 09:46 PM

Probably a good idea to broach the subject with boyfriend first. If he's totally opposed, there's your hang-up and there's no sense in getting second boyfriend in potentia excited about the idea only to have boyfriend shoot it down.

Bring up the subject in a subtle way, maybe mention polyamory in the context of entertainment. Read up on Polyamory: Married and Dating and ask if he's heard of it and he'll probably drop a few hints as to his feelings on the subject. If its visceral negativity, that's where you need to work on. If he's positive on the idea, then you can start a real conversation about what you want.

Also be prepared that boyfriend in potentia may not want that kind of relationship even if you and boyfriend do.

julie 02-04-2013 02:41 PM

Thank you very much for the advice.

I did talk about it with boyfriend and he's not opposed to the idea, but he is also a bit perplexed on how it'd work in real life. We don't know anyone in a poly relationship and we live in rural and old-fashioned country, so it kind of feels like something out of a movie to him.

Boyfriend in potentia is a very kind and accepting person, but he comes from a very narrow-minded family, hence my reticence in telling him. It's not only awkwardness, I know it would come as a shock to him that this kind of relationship even exists. That doesn't mean that he would reject the idea right away, but I am sure it would take some time for him to fully accept it.

twoplus1 02-11-2013 11:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by julie (Post 182645)
Thank you very much for the advice.

I did talk about it with boyfriend and he's not opposed to the idea, but he is also a bit perplexed on how it'd work in real life. We don't know anyone in a poly relationship and we live in rural and old-fashioned country, so it kind of feels like something out of a movie to him.

Boyfriend in potentia is a very kind and accepting person, but he comes from a very narrow-minded family, hence my reticence in telling him. It's not only awkwardness, I know it would come as a shock to him that this kind of relationship even exists. That doesn't mean that he would reject the idea right away, but I am sure it would take some time for him to fully accept it.

but he's already been in the room while u 2 had sex therefore his narrow minded upbringing/family is a misnomer he was thrilled by it and therefore to move one step further likely would not be a problem and as far as community they can guess gossip etc...as they would anyways... but a best bud movin in cutting expenses does not look odd just get a larger if needed apt/house etc... IE:2bdrms hv it look like a friend as a roomy situation if being out is a problem. I am lucky as we live in a whole other country fr their families so pretense is not a necessity here however upon visiting here I've left the being out or telling family up to my men


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