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-   -   Seeking a Balanced Lifestyle (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=39916)

Cerebella 02-03-2013 08:47 AM

Seeking a Balanced Lifestyle
 
Hi;

Just wanted to introduce myself since I am new to this forum. I'm Cera, 48 yrs, in an open marriage (together 16 years) now a few years, kinky vanilla, bisexual female with lots of BDSM experience and baggage from relationships.

I'm currently in an open marriage for the last few years. We had decided to do that for me as I was getting no satisfaction from a BDSM relationship anymore and I wanted love and tenderness and regular sex. I'm a kinky vanilla .. sometimes a switch or fetishist, but BDSM is doing it less and less for me as the years progress and I evolve sexually to my likes and dislikes. I don't feel happy or comfortable wielding a whip or flogger or forcing someone to please me sexually when it should all be so natural and desired by both. I'm a lover not a BDSMer? It's not my kick and after almost 20 years in the lifestyle I have explored enough to know this for certain. My husband has evolved sexually to his comfort place many years ago and we aren't even close to the same.

So the open marriage was based on the idea of sex with men from a dating site or wherever and we had rules... safe sex, safe meetings, no sharing of intimate details of my spouse and my relationship or life, protect the family as number one, if emotions or feelings developed for someone, that needed to be communicated ASAP.... etc etc... or maybe that was really swinging because I couldn't really build anything with anyone...(but I did fall deeply in love and fucked everything up and since then have stopped all dating out of confusion)

I need intimacy, connection, things other than sex. Polyamory has fascinated me for decades because I so easily love people and see no problems with that. However, my husband has issues there. It's about intimacy and sharing. I don't share thoughts or feelings or emotions easily as a rule... they build up and explode in a volcano. I know if we are to give polyamory a fair chance I need to learn to deal with sharing and hurting and accountability for my feelings.

I am here to understand what a polyamory relationship will mean to me, to my husband, to our marriage, our children, to the other significants'. I don't hope to find some fantastic formula but while I am so willing to open up for my husbands satisfaction (he's recently fallen in love with a woman), I don't know how to share fairly with him what I may experience with another. I'm not a jealous or possessive person at all.... but I am obsessive and closed.

I may never post again as I am so unsure, but I have been and am open to reading, to studies, to the psychology and understanding of what polyamory is and isn't. I know it's going to be as varied as there are relationships....:confused:

Hope this stayed as an introduction... :)

kdt26417 02-03-2013 09:52 PM

Hi Cera,
Welcome to our forum.

It sounds like you and your husband have evolved in different directions with regards to what interests you in the bedroom. One of the nice things about polyamory and open relationships is that one person doesn't have to be the end-all be-all to one other person. Different people can meet different needs.

You will find that there is much good material to read and study on this site. The Golden Nuggets board will guide you to some of our especially useful threads. Now that doesn't mean you can't post, especially if you have a question to ask (or even a thought to share). It's up to you and has to do with what you are comfortable with.

I think it's very normal to fall in love, and people can't always control or predict what their feelings will be. It sounds like you are looking for a new relationship with some depth of emotion.

Take your time and get comfortable with the ins and outs of polyamory, but I think you'll find that polyamory is a good lovestyle for you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

UtahPolyCouple 02-07-2013 06:51 AM

Some very good words from kdt26417. I would also add that now two poly relationships are the same. But the beauty of Polyamory, as kdt26417 said, is the you can find others that meet different needs. No one person can fulfill every one of your needs. Polyamory is a beautiful lifestyle that allows you to enjoy different ways of life, different people and still love all those that are in your life.


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