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-   -   The Struggling Mono Thread (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3989)

sage 10-17-2010 01:21 AM

The Struggling Mono Thread
I'm starting this thread because I seem to keep almost hi-jacking KT's blog and I think there needs to be a place where mono behavior can be discussed openly without fear of upsetting anyone.

There seem to be a few people on here struggling with mono/poly relationships at the moment and the big "D" word comes up (D for Divorce).

For anyone considering it as a solution to a poly/mono problem here is what happened for us. Ironically here I'm mono, in my marriage I wanted to be poly (go figure that one).

I had a long marriage. The relationship latest in total 28 years. It ended when I fell in love with someone who was also married and was also in love with me. We both would have been happy to continue in our marriages and have our relationship as secondary but our spouses wouldn't allow it.

I left, J didn't and I wasn't prepared to carry on a relationship with a married man whose wife didn't support polyamory.

My husband went through a lot more hell at the time than I did. In many ways my NRE carried me through it. My suffering came later. But he remained adamant. He said that he wanted someone to love him the way I loved J and he wasn't content with the quiet, almost paternal love that I had for him.

It was a really tough time, there is no denying it and my youngest daughter, who was 17 at the time was badly affected, but she wasn't that great in herself even with us together.

My X was alone for a number of months, although not short of dates. I kind of helped him find a woman that I knew would be good for him. Over two years have passed and they are flying off to New York (a big deal from New Zealand) to get married next week. He is much, much happier with her than I could ever have made him.

My daughters are both fine too, even the younger one.

Things are probably still toughest for me out of anyone because financially things did take a bit of a tumble, but I have Z and really everything I asked for. The rest is up to me.

The X and I are no longer close, which is a bit sad but it's the way he wanted it. I hurt him a great deal trying to stay married to him for so long.

So to sum up I do think we sometimes hang onto things that aren't ideal because that we think the alternatives are just too scary. I think it's really important to work out if our decisions are based on love or fear. And that love has to be for ourselves not for our kids, our partner, our families, our finances or anyone, or anything else. That might sound selfish to some people but otherwise you are building a life on bs. I know I tried putting everyone else first for far, far too long. Once we start taking one step in the right direction everything falls into place and you look back and think "Wow did I really do that?"

vodkafan 10-17-2010 02:20 AM

Good idea for a thread Sage. I am not struggling at the moment, but there might be times in the future when I am so it will be a good place to vent.

sage 10-17-2010 02:43 AM

Thanks Vodkafan. I'm not struggling either(yay for us)but I'm finding that things expressed in the mono blogs are bringing stuff up for me and I didn't realize until all the hoop-lah last week that they are a protected space. Now if I want to say something I can come here and say it without having to be too careful.

LovingRadiance 10-18-2010 04:56 AM

You kick ass!
Good idea for a thread! I think your last paragraph is the key to living a good life. A LOT of people have other opinions-but I think you are dead right.
It's one of the points I am endlessly trying to make.

It's OK to find out that who you are isn't going to work with someone you love. But it's so not ok to build a life that is a lie for yourself. :(
If you can't trust yourself, who can you trust?


sage 10-18-2010 06:43 AM

Thanks LR, I've never thought of myself "kicking ass" before:D

Do you think it's just about trusting ourselves though? I agree that was an important element. It took me a long time to actually trust that my feelings were valid when I had a husband and friends telling me that they weren't. But it was also really important to believe in my ability to handle whatever happened as a result of my decisions. I was also continually told that I wouldn't be able to.

LovingRadiance 10-19-2010 12:10 AM


I don't think it's ONLY about trusting ourselves.
But if we lie to ourselves and undermine ourselves-we can't trust ourselves.
If we can't trust ourselves we can't ever learn to trust someone else.
You know?

We have to be willing to be true to ourselves before we can be true to anyone else also.


Ariakas 10-19-2010 01:17 AM


Originally Posted by LovingRadiance (Post 49435)
We have to be willing to be true to ourselves before we can be true to anyone else also.


While I don't disagree, at all. I think there could be a caveat added to this point. There is a point when selfishness becomes prevalent when being true to yourself. At some point, you have to want to make selflessness a part of being true to yourself.

In that same breath, being selfless can be equally dangerous. Giving too much can become overwhelming because you have given up to much. While it is fine and good to be selfless, you do need to keep things for yourself. Communication, time, whatever it is. Giving up to much, can go over that line that can border on pushing away.

Both of these can create resentment, either in yourself or from your partner.

Finding that balance between being true to our own happiness AND to the happiness of our spouse is a balance that is where I see msot people having a problem. Sorry Sage, this isn't really a "mono struggling" point. This is just a relationship point.

Athena 10-19-2010 01:18 AM

I'm glad that your current relationship is happier. Also, thanks for the kind messages when I was going through a hard time. (You'd think not having a job would be a hard time - but for now, really not).

LovingRadiance 10-19-2010 03:31 AM

Ari-very true. It's a delicate balance.

I like that saying...

delicate balance


Morningglory629 10-19-2010 07:13 PM

Sage you are kick ass! Proactive! And always on the search for new discoveries! That is awesome.
Starting this thread is a great idea! You are one of the better communicators on here- by that I mean YOU LISTEN, you empathize,sympathize and you synthesize. Even when you don't agree you are not opposed to debate or furthering a point. Sometimes (unless one is only on here for venting) you do need to hear all sides of an issue- especially if it is your own issue. You have always been ready for the exchange and that is healthy. I have learned from you so much not only about monos in my life (for most of my life that is all I have known) but more importantly how important getting over that initial hump of discovering who I am and what I want. You have helped me accept me for me- a struggle I have as poly. Letting go of guilt and shame and being a better communicator of my needs/wants.
Good job for thinking to start this thread. I will read it often I am sure.

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