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-   -   Dealing with Jealousy (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=39875)

Irishlass113 02-02-2013 09:17 PM

Dealing with Jealousy
 
Hi there!

I'm new to this forum, and I need some help with an issue. My hubby and I met a couple thru an adult web site and hit it off immediatly. We share so many of the same likes and dislikes, you would think we've known each other for years. We decided, after our 1st meeting that we would not look at any other couple on this same adult site, and they agreed on the same. But they had another couple that they had met before us and saw occasionly, but not for a while. The issue with this is, when we all agreed to be monoganmous with each other, he (my hubby) assumed they had kicked this other couple to the curb. But just last week, this 3rd couple wanted to get together with our couple to celebrate their 1 yr anniversary. While I didn't understand, if they hadn't seen this couple in quite some time, how can you celebrate an anniversary? But didn't think much more of it. My hubby, on the other hand, flew into a fit of anger of this. He demanded they kick them to curb completely and he wanted proof of this. I told him that he cannot dictate who anyone can/cannot see. Now we are in constant arguements over this. The wife of our couple has told him (repeatly) they are not going to see them any more and asks her to trust her on that fact.

He has created so much drama/tension, that the 4 of us has not had sex in the past 3 weeks, but have gotten together to play cards, watch movies and have dinner together. He is also having a performance issue, which I think is related to said drama/tension. We have had two specialists and our family dr advise that it is not a physical problem.

How can I get him to see that all this tension is causing so many problems within the relationship that the 4 of us have found?

Thanks in advance!

Irishlass

learninginTN 02-19-2013 07:50 PM

It certainly seems there was some misunderstanding about what you as a couple were expecting of this other couple. Was there actually an agreement to be monogamous to each other (as a couple), or did they agree to not look for "new" couples, but reserved the right to continue to play with their other couple? This seems to be the crux of the misunderstanding. If it was the former, I can understand your husband being angry, because he felt a promise had been broken. That said, he can't force a couple to do anything, and his continued anger about the subject is only going to make the situation awkward and challenging.

Maybe when you meet again you can have an honest and frank discussion about the misunderstanding and come to an understanding. I hope your husband will look inside himself and deal with any jealousy issues and remind himself that this lifestyle is supposed to be fun. At the same time, you must expect people to be true to their word, and that's why a continuing open and honest dialog is so important.

Irishlass113 02-19-2013 11:56 PM

Thanks learninginTN,

I guess I don't quite remember what the exact wording was. And even looking back thru our emails, there was not an exact wording, but maybe just a verbal agreement? But the other male is not a conversationalist. He keeps everything bottled up and leaves it to the three of us to say things. But in a way, I'm kinda like him, but not to that extreme. I know we all have a lot of work to do to keep this thing going and possibly turning things around. But it is hard when he is "controlling" everything and the 3 of us are walking on eggshells around him. And making things work out should not be this hard! :(

FluffyKitten 02-20-2013 01:03 AM

I've read that people are more jealous in a relationship when they feel insecure or vulnerable. And I've discovered that it's true at least for me. (I never was jealous when it came to my ex-bf, because he never gave me reason to feel insecure when it came to us.)
And them being your new "addition" makes your hubby probably feel insecure, because it is a new relationship. And trust isn't built in a day, or a week. Even if you say you trust someone there are probably moments you doubt them.
Sometimes, though, you just have to trust people, take their words first in order to get something back. Yes, unfortunately that also means that you can land face first in the mud.

Maybe you could ask him how he would feel if he were in their shoes? That is, if you haven't done that already.

GalaGirl 02-20-2013 01:21 AM

Could this help in your talks? Esp page 5 and page 6 things?

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im...ed_10-6-10.pdf

GG


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