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-   -   Letting go of my white picket fence (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3987)

pancake 10-16-2010 07:57 PM

Letting go of my white picket fence
 
So I'm in the process of letting go of what I thought my life would be like. It's freakin hard! I'm incredibly grateful for the opportunities I've had, especially career-wise, but I didn't love my first real job and I'm transitioning out of it within the next year and a half. At pretty much the same time I make this huge decision, my couple comes into my life and wants to make us a triad. I want to...we've had a rough road (I have a personal summary on the newest page) but I love having them in my life. My hang-up is letting go of that white picket fence, the soulmate man (I think I would like to identify as mono more than I actually am), the happily-ever-after marriage and adventures. I get resentful sometimes for little things, because B and H are married and have gotten to do their wedding, newlywed thing, get to play normal happy couple to his parents. I wonder, has anyone else been here? I'm not bound and determined to have those things...I'm a fairly independent and somewhat rational person...but every so often I get all indignant that I might never have in-laws. It's weird. How did you deal?

MyNameIsMaam 10-17-2010 04:48 PM

Your life isn't defined by this particular moment in which you find yourself. Relationships come. Some hang around for a while. Nearly all of them eventually run their course and you move on.

Are you still hanging out with those folks in middle school you thought were your forever friends? What about the ones from high school? Are you still in the first job you ever had or have you moved on?

Life changes. You change. Don't think that this current reality is your forever future.

Be in the moment and enjoy it, but know that it isn't permanant.

Breathesgirl 10-17-2010 08:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pancake (Post 49068)
So I'm in the process of letting go of what I thought my life would be like. It's freakin hard! I'm incredibly grateful for the opportunities I've had, especially career-wise, but I didn't love my first real job and I'm transitioning out of it within the next year and a half. At pretty much the same time I make this huge decision, my couple comes into my life and wants to make us a triad. I want to...we've had a rough road (I have a personal summary on the newest page) but I love having them in my life. My hang-up is letting go of that white picket fence, the soulmate man (I think I would like to identify as mono more than I actually am), the happily-ever-after marriage and adventures. I get resentful sometimes for little things, because B and H are married and have gotten to do their wedding, newlywed thing, get to play normal happy couple to his parents. I wonder, has anyone else been here? I'm not bound and determined to have those things...I'm a fairly independent and somewhat rational person...but every so often I get all indignant that I might never have in-laws. It's weird. How did you deal?

I remember that monogamy isn't all it's cracked up to be! I've been there, twice, & own the rudy t-shirt!

Give me a relationship where the partners communicate, respect each other, talk their problems out without anger and name calling & there's love & I'm happy. Give me more than one relationship like that & I'm in heaven!

MyNameIsMaam is correct though. Life changes. We change. We move on to bigger and better things. Enjoy the moment for it may never come again.

redpepper 10-18-2010 06:15 AM

ya, I get where you are coming from. I felt and feel this way sometimes. It sure would be easier... or so we are lead to believe. I tried this route for a few years, just for the hell of it and it turned out that it made me depressed, a bitch, and a crappy person full of resentment and rage against what I am suppose to be. It does come around when I see my parents struggle to understand, when I go to PTA meetings at the boys school and find myself biting my tongue when I want to talk about Mono... it's a small sacrifice for my happiness and the happiness of those who love me. They get the best of me now and that is much better than any old white fence I thought I should be aiming for.

pancake 10-19-2010 12:07 PM

True
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by MyNameIsMaam (Post 49192)
Your life isn't defined by this particular moment in which you find yourself. Relationships come. Some hang around for a while. Nearly all of them eventually run their course and you move on.

Are you still hanging out with those folks in middle school you thought were your forever friends? What about the ones from high school? Are you still in the first job you ever had or have you moved on?

Life changes. You change. Don't think that this current reality is your forever future.

Be in the moment and enjoy it, but know that it isn't permanant.

The only constant is change, right? Then why's it so difficult to just roll with it??? LOL...it's good to have the reminders. I want the magic answer, but I know it's just what it is. :o

pancake 10-19-2010 12:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Breathesgirl (Post 49207)
I remember that monogamy isn't all it's cracked up to be! I've been there, twice, & own the rudy t-shirt!

Give me a relationship where the partners communicate, respect each other, talk their problems out without anger and name calling & there's love & I'm happy. Give me more than one relationship like that & I'm in heaven!

MyNameIsMaam is correct though. Life changes. We change. We move on to bigger and better things. Enjoy the moment for it may never come again.

That's kinda what I figure. I see so much resentment and strain in mono marriages...I think that's why I've never jumped into relationships/getting married/etc. The openness is what I dig about doing this poly thing. I was away from my couple for two weeks and just got to see them again...cloud nine!

pancake 10-19-2010 12:14 PM

thank you
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 49290)
ya, I get where you are coming from. I felt and feel this way sometimes. It sure would be easier... or so we are lead to believe. I tried this route for a few years, just for the hell of it and it turned out that it made me depressed, a bitch, and a crappy person full of resentment and rage against what I am suppose to be. It does come around when I see my parents struggle to understand, when I go to PTA meetings at the boys school and find myself biting my tongue when I want to talk about Mono... it's a small sacrifice for my happiness and the happiness of those who love me. They get the best of me now and that is much better than any old white fence I thought I should be aiming for.

Thank you rp...I've read a lot of your stuff on here, so it's nice to know even you feel it :o

spaghetticat 10-19-2010 11:04 PM

I don't have any advice, I feel that one of my loves feels like this sometimes and it breaks my heart but I am trying to just be happy that right now we are all happy, that everything eventually leads to sadness or changes so just trying to enjoy the happy moments (its hard but I am trying to even though my situation is different.)

Hang in there many many hugs!

pancake 10-20-2010 10:06 AM

:)
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by spaghetticat (Post 49593)
I don't have any advice, I feel that one of my loves feels like this sometimes and it breaks my heart but I am trying to just be happy that right now we are all happy, that everything eventually leads to sadness or changes so just trying to enjoy the happy moments (its hard but I am trying to even though my situation is different.)

Hang in there many many hugs!

Hugs ALWAYS appreciated! Thank you!!!
I kinda just try to go with it, I'm happy with where we are, so there's no need to what if the situation. That doesn't mean I'm very successful at not what-iffing...and B just tells me to get over it (he's such a guy :rolleyes:).

ray 10-20-2010 09:05 PM

Sometimes I worry that because I'm dating O and thus also involved (albeit not physically) with A (and they're married) that I won't be paying attention and will miss my dream man and dream wedding and dream life. I'm pretty focused on them so I don't tend to be very interested in other relationships right now. But I think it's working right now because I'm pretty young and I've got a little time before the eyebrows start raising and people wonder why I'm not married and/or dating guys I could marry.


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