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-   -   Girlfriend's dating problems and trans issues (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=39824)

Pyuvii 02-02-2013 04:42 AM

Girlfriend's dating problems and trans issues
Hey everyone!
So, I'm in need of some advice, life stories, anything really. I've got a fairly interesting situation, and it's hard to find people to talk to about trans issues to begin with, forget trans + poly =P

I'm a cis-female (meaning my genetics/organs/whatever matches my gender identity), but my girlfriend of two-years is male-to-female who just started transitioning a maybe five months ago. She also fairly recently reevaluated her sexuality, and came to the realization that she is bi.

As I was the first/only person she'd ever dated, I suggested that she go on a casual dates with some guys, or give some of the guys who hit on her a chance (she's a really attractive female, so she gets a decent amount of attention, and we'd long ago discussed all of our poly...discussion...stuff... I don't know terms XP).

She recently went on a date with a nice guy, who she said she enjoyed spending time with, and they were texting and considering going on a second date, and then she revealed that she was trans, and has since not gotten a text back, and she got really upset.

She's really worried that there won't be a guy for her out there that won't run away once they find out she's trans, and as a cis, I really don't know what to say to comfort her.

She is my pretty princess, and it really makes me sad to see her so upset ):

AnnabelMore 02-02-2013 06:31 AM

Getting rejected *sucks*. But there *are* guys, both cis and trans, who are cool with getting involved with trans people, both MtF and FtM. That I know for a fact. What I'm less sure of is what specific advice to give your gf. My community of friends is very queer-friendly, and very open with each other about our lives, so these sorts of connections come together more naturally. All the advice that comes from my personal life, therefore, would be along the lines of "have a large, diverse group of friends, be open with them, and express interest freely to those that interest you." Buuuut, that might not be at all relevant for your lives.

I'm sure there must be message boards and support groups specifically for trans women that would address this issue specifically?

Best of luck!

ktpoet 02-02-2013 09:28 PM

That really sucks. I would suggest attending some trans* conferences. I just attended one recently with my ex (who is ftm) and his girlfriend (cis-female). There were a TON of transwomen there. It would be a great place to make connections in the community and seek advice for how to deal with straight guys. Personally, I think bi guys or transguys would be would be a good place to start for casual dating. Generally, anyone in the queer community should be pretty accepting and not turned off by the trans* status. Rejection sucks, though. I tend to lay everything out on the table before the first date because I don't want there to be any surprises, but I know that doesn't work for everyone.

Pyuvii 02-03-2013 05:57 PM

She is on some of those forums, but asked that I not intrude on that, so I haven't joined or looked into any.
I have been pushing her to find her own support groups in those areas, and she has been, but I guess I'd just like to know what I can do to help her feel better in times like these.
All I know to do when someones broken up or been reject is to offer them chocolates >.<'

She went to one conference last term in Atlanta, and she really enjoyed it because there were mostly older women there (we're both college students) and they oggled over her and spoiled her silly X3
I don't think she kept up contact with them though ):
I didn't get to go though, because it was really really expensive (gf got a scholarship to go)

We're both also new to the queer community, so we're only just getting to know people there and stuff too.

ktpoet 02-03-2013 11:06 PM

Sometimes they do partial scholarships for partners. (My ex's girlfriend got one to the conference they just went to.)

There are also some free conferences, though, the only one I know of is Trans-Health in Philadelphia in June. But if you're in that area, I'd definitely suggest going to it. All of the workshops are free. So... that's cool. I'm going with my ex and my sort-of-girlfriend. I'm told a lot of college-age people attend.

You could also look for a support group for yourself. I know my ex's girlfriend is a mod for one on Facebook for partners-in-progress, but I think it's just for partners of ftm folk. If you find one, though, I'm sure they would have some insight on how to help your girlfriend.

Magdlyn 02-04-2013 02:23 PM

My gf is transgendered and I am cis gendered/genderqueer. We have been together 4 years. She started fully transitioning just a few months before we met, though she has been extremely femme her whole life. (She is now 35 and I am 57. My 28 year old lesbian daughter has had 2 transwoman partners as well, strangely enough.)

It's not easy being partnered with a transwoman, but I wouldn't change it for the world. miss pixi goes through so much emotionally, socially, physically... I feel privileged to be cis and don't mind helping her, though I do get burnt out sometimes.

My gf is kinky and meets some bi guys, pansexual guys, through Fetlife, okcupid, collarme.com, as well as at kink cons. We have been to the Phila Trans con twice. It is amazing it is free! All you have to do is find accommodations.

The last time we went there was even a class for ciswomen with transwoman partners. It was so great to be in a room with 60 other women like us! (Plus at that con, I got to brush shoulders with Chaz Bono! Squee!)

She does get a lot of flak though, when she chats guys online who start to suspect she is trans and then basically write her off. I just offer a listening ear and snuggles... It's just a fact the dating pool is small for transwomen.

Tonberry 02-05-2013 02:48 AM

This reminds me of a recent question to Dan Savage, I'm going to link to the answer:

Question about telling people you're trans

I know people here have mixed feelings about Dan Savage, but I personally found it to be good advice, AND relevant to being poly, too.
Also, reaction on the advice from Buck Angel here (bottom of the blog post, audio file).

Now, this is a gay trans guy and not a bi trans woman, but I assume that telling people you're trans would have similarities across genders and sex orientations.

Pyuvii 02-07-2013 06:49 AM

Oh man! Next time they have a con, I'll definitely try to go with her!
I didn't know there were communities for partners of trans O=
I'ma have to google-fu some of those!

Thank you guys for your advice! She went to a modeling try out thingy today, and got a lot of good feedback, so she's feeling significantly better =3

ManofDiscovery 02-07-2013 08:53 AM

Yeah, I don't think it's right if she's going on dates with guys who think she's a real female, then she later reveals she's not.

It's like coming out of a shop thinking you've purchased one product when in fact they've sold you something else.

There are plenty of dudes out there who have a think for trans girls (myself included), but you want to know what you're dealing with beforehand.

As people suggested above, there are plenty of sites you can meet people on that go for this sort of thing.

Oh and also - rejection is a part of life, I'm afraid. Yes it hurts, but you have to continue being brave and putting yourself out there.

Magdlyn 02-07-2013 05:40 PM


Originally Posted by ManofDiscovery (Post 183152)
Yeah, I don't think it's right if she's going on dates with guys who think she's a real female, then she later reveals she's not.

"Real female," not the best term. Accepted terms are cis-gendered and transgendered. Thanks!

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