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-   -   Intruiged and confused (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=39706)

serenity1066 02-01-2013 02:08 AM

Intruiged and confused
 
So I've been lurking here for quite some time trying to figure myself out. I've been interested in poly for a really long time. I completely agree intellectual reasons poly makes sense. My partner and I have been together for 2 years. When I first brought up the subject of polyamory she was totally closed off, but agreed to talk to a mutual friend who is poly and to go to a polymeeting. We talked more about it and she became very interested. During the summer she met a woman she felt very sexually attracted to. She asked me to open the relationship. We were both friends with this woman, and my partner always enjoyed flirting with her. Seeing them dance together and touch each other actually turned me on, and I encouraged it. Eventually all the flirting became very obvious and members of our social circle commented on it and there was drama ( we have a small queer community and most lesbians know each other). My partner had coffee with her, and the woman asked her if she was attracted to her, and my partner admitted it. After this I became uncomfortable with the flirting and asked her to stop. She had a hard time with this but agreed that since we hadn't come to a decision on whether or not to be poly, she would stop. I had no problem when my partner wanted to go out for coffee or drinks afterwards, and eventually their relationship became more distant, but we are all fine with each other. But I had definitely some very mixed emotions about them sleeping with each other. So that makes me think I probably wouldn't make a good candidate for poly. My partner now says that in theory she understands it and would be willing to re-discuss it.
I made a new friend a few months ago and we've enjoyed an emotional and spiritual connection, but I don't feel in any way physically attracted to her. My partner has recently started spending time with my friend and I and was happy that they connected. Today my partner asked me if my friend always was so "flirtatious and touchy-freely". I had never noticed her to be this way with me, but when I paid more attention I realized my friend was treating my partner differently, and it was clear that they were both flirting. My friend asked my partner if she could take her on an errand, and when they got back it was clear they connected. My partner asked if I would be okay if she developed her own friendship with my friend and I encouraged her to do so. I find it erotic to think about her with another woman. But more that that I like how my partner lights up and seems happier and more playful when they are together. I gave her my friend's email and asked her to contact her regarding a move we are all helping with. I could have done that myself, but I wanted my g/f to know I was okay with her contacting her. Crazy, since I'm still not sure where this will end. I'm worried though that I won't be able to handle the tough stuff. And like I said ours is a small community.
To say I'm confused is putting it mildly.

kdt26417 02-07-2013 05:08 AM

I don't see as there's any serious problems going on; you should be reasonably safe if you just take things in small bites (i.e., don't try to eat the whole elephant in one sitting).

Make sure you are discussing your feelings with each other, and checking each other's emotional temperatures often. If you have a trigger, try to identify and analyze it.

There is a lot of valuable reading material on this site, so dig in, and post any thoughts or questions that you have. Love is not predictable. It just happens. You have to figure out what to do about it when it does happen.

What would help reduce the confusion you're experiencing?

I hope we can help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

WhatHappened 02-07-2013 05:19 AM

Paragraph breaks would make it a lot easier to read. You might get more responses then.


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