Partner experiencing intense feelings for someone else.
 

Hi, I'm new here, and hoping I can tap into some collective experience here, as my partner and I are quite new to this.

I'm a 35 yr old male - girlfriend (26 yrs) and I have been together for 2 years. We have a solid foundation, and only decided to explore the open-relationship angle relatively recently.

It started when she met a guy at a regular event she goes to, and confessed to me that she had a bit of a crush on him. I encouraged her to pursue it further, and she did. The third party agreed to this, knowing the deal (my girlfriend and I are primary partners and he would be a casual dating thing).

The sex wasn't that great, so after a few weeks she decided that she probably shouldn't keep engaging him sexually. However, he soon after confessed to her that he really had deep feelings for her, and didn't want to have sex with her unless she committed to him and him alone (she hadn't yet told him that she probably was going to end the sexual element of the relationship).

This sparked an intense bonding situation between the two of them, and since then, she has been seeing him regularly (cooking together, watching movies, and occasionally kissing but nothing more).

On our end, we have been having some issues (I need to work on being more romantic and less controlling). We both agree that these are valid issues and want to work on them.

However, our concern (and we have discussed this openly) is that her romantic attraction towards him will prevent us from giving it a genuine chance. Right now she is torn between deciding between the both of us. Keep in mind she has not had sex with him at all for a few months. I feel that him refusing to have sex with her may be partially driving the intensity of her feelings.

I guess in a nutshell, our question is whether it is possible for her to "get over" her romantic attraction to this other guy, or whether this is a fatal situation (fatal for us, not for them obviously).

Does anyone have any experience or advice here?

My instincts are that if we really want to give this a shot, she needs to stop seeing him, but we both agreed that we need to seek advice elsewhere as this is uncharted territory for the both of us.

We will both be checking this thread, so feel free to ask either of us questions, or to lend advice to either of us.

thanks!

This IS kind of a "seen it all" sort of place XD

Red flag #1

Blue flag! (I dunno, what's the opposite of a red flag?)

Well, dafuq? Does she want an open relationship or doesn't she? You probably should work through your own issues first before bringing Secundus Mentula into the picture.

The other guy sounds kind of dickish; he wants the cake that was supposed to be shared all to himself once he tried it. He needs it 'splained to him that "open relationship" is not code for "try before you buy."

If they keep seeing each other, yeah but it'll take longer. Oxytocin bonds are pretty tough to break, even bad sex still produces it. If she stops seeing him completely it'll be quicker.

Good instincts, that's probably the wisest choice.

He is a "cowboy." He says he is fine with being poly, but then once he gets the woman attached to him, he tries to get her all to himself.

Many issues here. He's bad at sex? But good at romance? You're good at sex but bad at romance? Your gf probably wants more. If you were all poly, this could work. Great sex with you, cuddles and movies on the couch with him.

BUT, you both went into this with sort of a swinger mentality. Allowing your partner to only "casually date/fuck" another is not polyamory. Amor means love. Love is encouraged in polyamory, not prevented.

Personally, I dislike people who say, you can fuck, but not love, so-and-so. First of all, isn't so-and-so also deserving of love? Second of all, how do you prevent love when being physically intimate? The hormones that are released during dating (eating together), cuddling, kissing, oral sex and fucking cause intense bonding.

I don't understand people who want the sex without the bond. Unless you are so insecure of your partner's love.... work on trust! Don't try to prevent love. If you don't let her love him she'll have to tamp her feelings down across the board, and might end up loving you less.

Hi peaceful :)

Welcome to the forum.

The other guy did a shitty thing. But - he was speaking truthfully about his limitations: he thought he could share her, but doesn't want to in reality. So he got that out there. Either this was his plan and motive all along, or he developed that feeling after some time with her.

In my mind, it's actually your girlfriend that has made the wrong decision here. Absolutely no offense is intended here - I am just giving my opinion. Why is your girlfriend still seeing him, knowing his stance on things?

I do have a little experience and some thoughts for you.

I don't know how many prior relationships your girlfriend has had, but I definitely think that the 20s are an exploration decade. I first entered into a poly agreement when I was about 23 and it was a similar situation to yours. I'd been with my then-boyfriend for about 4 years and developed a strong crush on a girl at work. He encouraged me to pursue it, as long as he was the one I was coming home to.

I felt that I could get girlie romance, talking and amazing sex with her. With him, I had a deep emotional connection. I fell in love with her and thought that I had to choose one person. I didn't know that it was possible, or acceptable, to meet different needs with different people.

But, as others have said - poly means that we do not necessarily have to choose. I do agree that polyamory is *technically* about loving more than one person. I also agree that, in the end, it is naive for many of us to try to prevent this from happening (for ourselves, or our partners). However, it is also my personal belief that the way poly is balanced has a great deal to do with what our needs are and what priority each need takes. We don't have to fall in love. We don't have to have a ton of 'primaries'. We don't have to have any hierarchy at all. We can, if we want - but more importantly: we can if it *makes sense*.

For example, when I met that girl I had a crush on, in my early twenties, I placed a high importance on sex, exploring my attraction to women and socialising. I needed those things at the time. I spent more time on those things during that poly relationship - I spent more time pursuing the girl than paying the right amount of attention to my existing relationship, because he did not provide as much of what I thought I needed at the time.

I could have continued, calling him my primary and her my secondary. But she was fulfilling my 'primary needs'. So, how would this make sense? How would this work in the long term?

These days, my primary needs have changed. I find almost complete fulfillment of these new needs with my girlfriend - therefore, I consider her my primary. I still have other needs - but these are secondary in importance; so, I fulfill them with secondary partners. I spend more time and energy on my primary relationship, because it fulfills my primary needs. Does that make sense?

In the case of your girlfriend, she's 26 and discovering/exploring what her needs are. She needs romance - something you've both addressed. This must be quite an important need for her. What if romance isn't a secondary need - what if it's a primary need that you simply cannot completely fulfill? The same thing regarding sex. What if that is a primary need for her? If the sex never ends up being fulfilling with the other guy, I doubt she would be happy only with him, regardless of the romance.

What if she could have all of her primary needs met by you and this other guy? What if she was open to having both you and him as 'primary' partners? What if she still thought of you as a primary and found the most fulfillment in you, but was still open to falling in love with him?

I think those are the important questions to ask. Once you've both thought about them, you will know what to do in terms of her dating him.

But, regardless of anything else, she needs to decide whether she definitely wants to remain in a relationship with you.... If she does, how can it work with this other guy? Is he going to be willing to share nicely?

Good luck with your talks - I will check back and see what your updates are :)

If I missed this in one of the other responces, I apologize. But it would be worth repeating.

Ok, so she was going to break it off with other guy, because he sucked in bed. BUT, somehow, he convinced her, that it was due to him not being able to be "emotionally" in to it. That he really cared, blah, blah, blah, and that he could only "Show" her how much she meant to him, ( As in, only fuck her good if ) If he was the only man in her life.

Your girl is in the throes of NRE. ( New Relationship Energy ) She is feeling all giddy, and the rose colored glasses are on. She is looking past the "Bad sex" because she feels "Loved". Feeling new love, creates a chemical release in your body. It makes you want to pair bond. Its natural, and if you were experienced in Poly relationships, you would know what to look for. Eventually, It will wear off. She will, hopefully, gently, drift back to earth, and her head will be out of the clouds. DON"T try to pull her back down. You will get burned for it. Work on your relationship. Do some research on NRE, and show it to her. Talk to her about it. And then be the best man you can be. She will either cut off you, in which case she will more than likely regret it some day, or when her feet touch ground, she will realize she is still getting "Bad Sex" and cut him loose, or you will figure it out together, and she will balance both of your needs.

Either way. There isn't a thing you can do about what she decides, except be the best possible man you can be. Acknowledge your faults, and fix them. Meet her needs when she is with you. Be confident in yourself.

Thats about all I got.

Ok... So everyone enters this trio thing with the understanding of "my girlfriend and I are primary partners and he would be a casual dating thing - secondary."

They try it out. Conclusions:

• SHE wants to break up because the sex is not that good.
• HE confesses he is not able to have sex with her because he has deep feelings and cannot deal with "casual sex dating thing -- secondary."

She continues to date him instead of breaking up as originally planned because...

• She wants to have great sex and/or deep feelings with him?
• She no longer wants to be in a primary-secondary open relationship model? (Wants co primary? Monoship? Something else?)
• It's easier to be in NRE pink fluffy lala clouds than deal with relationship realities with you (The 2 year mark is past NRE point on this side of the V.) Is she an NRE junkie?

What are her wants, needs, and limits at this time?

Your wants, needs, and limits?

His? Is he wanting a monoship model or a co-primary model?

...because she's spending more of her TIME over there with him? And not enough TIME over here working on the relationship issues on this side of things? Is this what you meant? :confused:

If so, you could ask GF to tell you where she is at? Something like...

"I see you have NRE stuff going on, GF. I am willing to share, but I need responsiveness. Over on our side of things, what behavior can I expect from you over the next chunk of time in dealing with our problems and moving that forward?"

Then could she just TELL you where she's at? Pick one?

• "Yes. I will devote TIME over here to work on our issues. Best times for me are (give dates/times). What are your best times? Let's pick the best times that work for both and get it on calendar and make a commitment to dealing with our problems."
  
• "Yes. I want to devote TIME over here to work on our issues. At this point in time I am not sure what those times are. I need time to think. I will get back to you on some possible dates by ___(give check in time__."
  
• "Maybe? I say want to devote TIME over here. But my actions are not matching my talk yet. Not looking likely to change in the near future because I don't know what I want/I do not prioritize well. We probably better talk. Where is your time limit at for responsiveness from me? By when do you need a final check in from me? Then you are not waiting in limbo for me to get on with the plan."
  
• "No. I already know I do not want to devote TIME here. I just have not told you. We better talk. So you are not stuck in limbo."

Or maybe it it something in between those somewhere. Whatever the case -- just ask her where she is at.

You state your wants, needs, and limits for this next chunk of time.
She states her wants, needs, and limits for this next chunk of time.
He states his wants, needs, and limits for this next chunk of time.

See what works out and what doesn't so you can all come to understanding of where you are all at now. Everyone can move forward then. In whatever configuration serves needs best -- together, apart, mix and match, etc.

Galagirl

wow, I thought this thread never got posted. I waited a few days after I posted it and it never got past moderation. I pm'ed the moderator but didn't get a response. I just checked back today on a whim and was flabbergasted to see all the responses. (moderator explained that it was a victim of spam filter).

Will read through the replies very soon. I really appreciate all the advice!

So it turns out that she was originally drawn to him because she was unhappy in our relationship. At the time she wasn't really aware of what was motivating her.

Also, as for the sex but no love thing, I was actually very cool with the idea of her actually "dating" him, with healthy loving feelings and real bonding, so long as her and I would still be "primary" in the sense that we'd be long term, having kids, etc.

And the sex with him was bad not because he wanted more emotionally - it was just bad because it was bad. She never told him the sex was bad, and he never said that the sex would be better if she would be with him exclusively.

She's been taking time off both of us, and dealing with other personal issues, and has been struggling to figure out what she wants. After spending time with me a couple day ago, she seems to have flipped towards me.

She's also seen a couple of women in the mean time (having never done that before, but always wanting to try). Both of the women are bisexual and have boyfriends. She found the experiences healthy, erotic, and uncomplicated. She says she feels that she only wants to see other women while we're together.

I don't think she's ready to explore other men right now. I think she needs to develop a more acute awareness of what her needs and wants are before that step could ever be taken.

Hello again :)

It's good that she's been able to recognise this and been honest about it with you.

Regardless of the relationship she had with this other guy... for the future... are you two now on the same page about this? Do you have a foreseeable agreement that doesn't involve her living in two houses, moving anyone in, or leaving you, providing she's still happy in the relationship?

It sounds like she's been confused about what she wants, for sure. I really hope that you two can work out what makes you happy together and that she genuinely stays with you for the right reasons.

That's good, at least she's outlining some of her current ideas now.

That sounds positive. It sounds like perhaps she needs a bit of that 'twenties' time (I'm still in it - God knows I still need it!) to explore and figure out what she wants.

I hope you guys can keep the lines of communication open and that she can be honest with you about whether or not she remains happy in your relationship; and you with her. :)

thanks for the encouraging thoughts sparkle :)